Roommates...Cultural?

[a2ventura]

That's what I've been hoping could happen but all the other Latinos that work there are families too. He can't communicate w/ the people who speak only English so I don't see him finding a place w/ one of them. And now my husband is getting upset w/ me that I don't want him here. He says I'm weird b/c I can't accept others living w/ us & for him that's normal. He tells me I'm making him feel like he has to ask me permission for everything. That's not the case, I just would have liked tohave made this decision together rather than him just telling him he could come live w/ us! I don't want to fight w/ my husband! I told him id give it a little longer.

[elmo120790]

there are a lot of cultural differences, it's a give and take, not give give give give give and no take. what I mean by that is, just because he is used to living with other people doesn't automatically mean you are too. had it been another time in your life, not when you have babies, maybe you would have been okay with it. at one point, I did have another couple living in my living room. even though I was single at the time, it still gets uncomfortable.

is this guy single? perhaps this is an opportunity to suggest he go out to "have some fun" - perhaps he'll meet someone. idk what area you're in, but there's a few hispanic clubs by my home and most of the guys there don't speak english very well if at all. chances are, he can find someone and eventually move in with her. what other choices do you have without fighting with your husband? i hope it works out.

[Imp]

This "roommate" was never discussed with you- having someone live with you is not the kind of decision a spouse should ever make without discussing it with the other spouse. Its not a matter of asking for permission, to make this decision without consulting you is plain rude.

Additionally, however normal it may be in your husband's culture and country, it is not normal in yours. And you and he are choosing to live in yours. It clearly wasn't paining him to live without this man, and it is clearly paining you to live with him. IMHO your husband is being extremely insensitive.

Its very sad that this man has no immediate place to go, but that is not your concern. Talk with your husband and set a deadline for him to go. Be reasonable, but be firm. Get upset if you have to- if someone had made this decision "for me" and my family, I sure as heck would be! How would he feel if you had selected a random man to come live in your home without discussing it with him? I doubt he'd be as mellow about it.

After all is said and done, you and he should probably discuss the kinds of decisions that should be made as a couple, and the kinds of things that can be decided without the other's input. Obviously major changes in living arrangements would be in the prior category.

[a2ventura]

I suggested atimeline that he be gone by the end of April. In the meantime I'm going to let things cool down & if it becomes too unbearable I have a plan: the landlord is often around & we have a nosy neighbor. I'm going to use both of these things to my advantage & tell my husband the landlord spoke to me & said he knows there is another adult in the apt & that according to codes only a family of 4 can live in a 2 bdrm apt & that he can't authorize him staying. How can my husband argue with that? Then we really should have the conversation suggested about what decisions can be made solo or have to be made together.
Apparently he has met a woman but shes a gringa & speaks almost no Spanish & him almost no English so he hasn't been responding to her text msgs. I was hoping it could work out for them & he'd move in w/ her. No such luck I guess.

[GraysiasMama]

I'm sorry. My brother-in-law is living with us right now, and even though I love the guy, he is driving me nuts!! It is very difficult to share your home. I wish I had more advice for you, but good luck! I think the timeline is a good idea!

[mrs_salazar09]

Before hubby and I got married he lived with his friend and his wife who had a baby and his friends dad in 2 bedroom apartment. At one point my husband's brother lived there as well. Definitely cultural I would say. My husband was at my house a lot of the time, but he did contribute to the bills there. A friend of his had his brother living with him, his wife, and their 5 children in a 2 bedroom house. It's just cultural differences, and I think it's really hard to break the barrier on that.

[Imp]

It may always feel "normal" to him, but it doesn't mean he has to do it, especially when it upsets his wife and feels very not-normal to her. Being a "cultural" doesn't, at least not in my book, always equal a free pass to do something. Just my 2 cents, tho.

[MarthaJimenez]

I went through the same thing too. Actually, still am. When I got pregnant I moved in with my husband and his brother's family and his wife (my sister-in-law) was so hateful to me that as soon as I had my son I worked my butt off to get out of there. My brother-in-law wanted us to stay with them and live there and build extra rooms on but I wouldn't because of my sister-in-law made my life difficult. So a few months after we bought a three bedroom trailor he asked me if a friend could come live with us! Then a couple of years later his brother came. We bought a house and I told him that both couldn't come with us because it was in a higher class neighborhood and we can't have all these cars parked out and pled my case so his brother was the only one who came. Every couple of months I decide to try to get his brother to move out and ask my husband when he is going to live with someone else and he doesn't budge. At first he said that his brother would help me with the bills when he was in Guatemala (he didn't) then it was that his brother lives with us so he can help his family back home. He does have his own room but it still irks me. The best I can do is raise his rent and be mean to him and hopefully he will move out soon (just kidding). Anyway, I am sorry for your inconvenience but you have all the right in the world to be angry and annoyed especially since you just had a baby and you need bonding time minus the roommate. Good luck to you, I have been dealing it with years.

[sandra191406]

I'm sorry to hear you're in this tough situation. If you husband doesn't see that there's a problem it will be difficult to get your house guest out. Letting your house guest know of your frustration is good so that he is aware of how you feel. Also, the deadline is a good idea...but be sure to stick to your guns or April might come and go and your hubby may think it doesn't bother you so much if you don't go through with the plan. Keep us posted and good luck.

[JMRJ]

I'm on the fence whether living with friends is a cultural phenomenon or not because in my husband's small town, I don't see friends living in friend's house but then when it comes to living here in the U.S., they tend to help each other out which is a good characteristic in my opinion.

I suspect (oh no, here is JMRJ again with her suspicions ) The other type of cultural practice your husband has displayed to you is where you have no say and he can decide without your permission because he's the "man in the house" aka head of household. Yes, I'm talking about negative machismo of this specific form. And I don't mean to draw inferences to the entire Mexican population but most of us know that it's a cultural trait commonly accomodated by males of Mexican society and is passed through generation after generation. Yet in today's day and age, you play an equal role in raising your family and your role is even greater with children involved. Aside from making money to make ends meet, you may very well tend to childrearing, cooking, cleaning, catering to your husband and the list goes on and on. Yet your husband may have refused to acknowledge that you should be involved in a decision-making as well such as having someone lives with you. It's not acceptable and it's not fair for what an American feminism stands for. There are a lot cultural differences we compromise with our SOs, but when equality and respect are at stake, .....

I, too, have lived it with my husband. It's cultural for both of us to help our parents as much as we can but when he made sole decisions like giving some stuffs that I bought with my own sweat to his parents without consulting me and giving his parents permission to spend MY money without MY knowledge, that's when I drew the line. I thought I'm in charge as well. I recognize it's easier said than done because he may not like telling his friend 'oh you need to move out because my wife has said so" but when your husband makes decision like that and it bothers you, there comes a time when you have to put your feet on the ground. And I'm not saying you two should consult a divorce lawyer. Just let him get your message.