Roommates...Cultural?

[a2ventura]

Recently, a friend of my husband's moved in with us to see if he could get a job where my husband works. Thankfully, they hired him on the spot. He is clean, cooks and is kind with my son. He doesn't take up much space, is hardly ever at the house and is very considerate. We have a 2 bedroom, but he sleeps on the couch b/c our second bedroom is set up as a nursery which we use for our son and our soon-to-be-arriving daughter. She will be here in less than a month. I appreciate having this guest in the house b/c it will help w/ rent and I can tell my husband is happier w/ him around since there are hardly any Mexicans where we live & he gets lonely. He has been much more affectionate with me and is going out of his way to be helpful around the house. There are so many positives to the situation, but I'm not the type of person who wants a roommate w/ my family. If we didn't have children, the situation would be different. I'm starting to think this is a cultural thing. My husband now wants me to buy a trailer or a house so that we can bring more of his friends here to work since his employer has told him he will give them jobs. I want to buy a house, but my American Dream is to live in the house w/ my husband and my children and that is it!
I wasn't aware that this guy was coming to stay w/ us in the first place. My husband called me and told me that he had just showed up and needed a place to stay....later I found out my husband knew he was coming, but didn't tell me. I'm annoyed, but not too much b/c the situation really is working out for us for now. I'm just nervous for when our daughter arrives. I don't want to have to be discreet about breastfeeding in my own house along w/ the fact that we will be a family of four + a roommate!
I guess I just wanted to vent and ask if anyone else's spouse deems it normal to live w/ a roommate when you are a family. I feel like it would be different if it was a family member staying with us. Is this cultural?

[paradise7n]

Omg I'm so sorry. To answer your question, yes it is cultural, at least in my husband's family they are very used to living very communally, spending the day, eating and sleeping around a bunch of people at all times.

Honestly, its way beyond the boundaries of normal requests within a marriage for your hubby to suggest that you buy a bigger place so his friends can come and stay. The guy living with you now, nice and respectful as he is, will begin to be more and more of an annoyance to you if you already feel this way, I guarantee it. Trust me, I have to deal with my mother-in-law living with us. I know how how it is.

My advice is to use your pregnancy to get him out ASAP, quickly and painlessly. Your having a baby in 1 month is the perfect reason for him to have to find his own place- NOW. Bring up the breastfeeding. If the guy is working he should be able to find some place to stay- he's not even a member of your hubby's family!! A 2 bedroom is no place to have a roommate, and its better to have to pay the rent yourself than sacrifice your privacy. Don't let this go on too long.

[Glühbirne]

It's true that such situations are a lot more accepted in hispanic cultures than they are here.

Just because it is the cultural norm, though, that doesn't mean that it gives your husband free license to invite all of his friends over to live with you guys.

Having a young, non-related, bachelor permanently living on your couch when you have a young child and another on the way is not in the best interest of your family. I agree that you need to nip this situation in the bud before it turns into something big and ugly. Let your husband know that you are not comfortable with this situation and you don't see it working out once the baby comes. Maybe you guys can find a compromise, but letting the guy live on your couch could easily turn into one of many possible problems really quickly.

Perhaps your husband could help this friend and the others who want to come get into a rental together near you guys. That way, you'd have your privacy but they'd still be nearby so your husband could hang out with them whenever he wanted.

[Emi]

This is definitely a culture thing and I went through it on 3 separate occasions. I never could adjust to it and even when it started out okay (as you're mentioning) it always ended horribly. There are a lot of aspects of my husband's culture that I have adapted to but having grown adults living with us is not one of them. We have always been in a 2 bedroom or smaller without kids in the house and it felt cramped with roommates - I would imagine that with 2 kids added to that mix I really would have gone over the edge. I agree that you should nip it in the bud as soon as possible.

I like Glu's idea of getting these people a rental near you.

[a2ventura]

I already told the friend that our landlord said he could stay for 2 weeks, but that after that it needs to be just our family. 2 weeks is today! The friend seemed completely understanding, but my husband I think is looking at this as a business opportunity/way to save $$. The person we rent from is the father of a friend of mine. I don't want to burn any bridges. My husband has already told the others that if they want to come, there is a job, but they have to find a place to stay...not w/ us. He said that once these guys do that, our houseguest will go live w/ them. The thing is, there's not timeline! I'm the type of person who needs to know by when we will have to house to ourselves again! I'm a bit torn though, b/c I feel less pressure to cook Mexican meals now that the friend is here...he does all the cooking! I work full time and take care of our son and I'm pregnant, so cooking often is the last thing on my mind and I know that bugs my husband!
There are benefits, but I think you're both right, in the long run this could cause issues. I think the pregnancy will definitely help in moving things along. And if he's not gone before baby gets here, certainly my husband will not be a fan of my breasts being in full view of another man!

[paradise7n]

You might want to suggest that the guy look for the place where he and his friends are going to live, make it known that there is a timeline and he needs to get moving? Its ok to let your husband know that you need privacy, that you don't want to live with anyone else and are not used to it. Be a princess and tell your hubby you are not happy having this guy there, that you want it to be just you and your family- he might respect you for it. Him cooking for everyone is great, its a bonus, but you can't be expected to do that anyway, with all you are doing.

[TamHam]

Sometimes I love my husband's culture, sometimes.....not so much. I hope you get to a place where you understand him and he understands you. When a marriage crosses cultural lines, both sides need to step up and recognize the other's perspective.

[elmo120790]

it's always second nature to be helpful to someone in need, and make sure you acknowledge that it was nice of him to extend a helping hand, but your family comes first and you say the house is for your family, and you should be free to do whatever, wherever, whenever, without worrying about a third party.

[a2ventura]

Ive had it w/ the roommate being here! I told my husband & all he seems to say is "isn't it nice that hes paying rent/electric/cable..saving us $" I see that too but having the house to ourselves would be better to me. He cooks chiles that make my kids cough, lets spills burn on the stove, leaves the seat up...need I go on? I told him he needed to find someplace else to go & he told me he feels awkward living w/ us but that he doesn't know anyone else here & everywhere would want papers to rent to him. He speaks no English. I'm past the point of being nice. Its not my fault he came here w/ no resources to get himself a place & I'm tired of it. Oh and he told me my newborn daughter got diarrhea b/c I got angry & getting angry when breastfeeding spoils your milk & gives the baby diarrhea. So untrue! And I know its a cultural belief, but keep your comments about my breastmilk to yourself! Ahhh! What to do?!

[elmo120790]

Congrats on the newborn! My mom always used to tell me when she would get into fights with my father, we would constantly be fussy and sick from her milk, and she's a doctor. I know that's not the point here, but that's not the first time I heard that.

I'm sure he can meet people at places of work. When FH needed a place to live, that's what he did, he lived with a coworker and a few other guys in a town home for 2 years.