Ugh!

[Luckysprite]

Ok - I don't vent here often - but lately something has just been eating at me. Background on the story - I lived with my mother up until 4 years ago when she 'reconnected' with her highschool sweetheart. Sold everything here, divorced her then husband and ran off across the country to marry this man. She lived there for 3 years and little by little grew more and more unhappy. So - she developed a pretty nasty gambling additction.

She moved back home Nov. 2006 (still married to the new man) and moved in with my sister - as she can not afford a place of her own due to money problems and where we live (a rental townhouse) they don't allow dogs. (she has 2). Gambling continued and worsened, depression continued and she is not the same 'mom' I've always known. Sister and I tried and tried and tried to get her to see she needed help. She refused and is in denial most of the time. And she lies about most things now. Finally got her to go to the dr. for depression. Takes meds now. Here's the kicker though ... a few weeks ago she left again to go back out to CA. She said it was to pack up the rest of her belongings and try one last time to make it work with her husband. It is not working and she wants to come home ASAP. She has NO money.

This is the problem ... she wants me to take out one of those 'quick cash' loans or whatever so that she can come home before christmas. She has all of her things packed and ready to go - but cannot afford a moving company. I want her home, I really do - she needs to be around the support of people who love her and want her to get help. I want her here for our kids and just in general - I think its better for her to be here than out there. I just don't think I can be the one to financially do it. I don't have great credit and my husband and I have really been working on that for the past year so that we can get a house of our own someday. I am afraid to lock in financially to something that she will leave me hanging with because of her gambling problem. We can not afford to take up on this if she screws it up. I am not saying that she would - but its a huge risk for me to take. And everytime I talk to her on the phone now I just get the guilt trip about how miserable she is, how she wants to come home, etc .... She says she can not take out the loan herself because she is only working for a temp service now and they want someone who is working steadily. How do you give 'tough love' to your parents?!?

[Laura]

Lucky - I'm so sorry this is happening. It sounds like you are having to act as a sort of parent figure for your mom, which is terrible. That's a really hard situation, and ultimately, I think you have to make the decision that is best for your family. Is there no way for your mom to take out the loan? Is there other family members who could chip in and pool together, rather than you taking on all the financial burden? Her owing to a number of people might be more of a motivation for her to get her stuff together than owing just her daughter. Anyway, I would not take out one of those quick cash loans! They charge a ridiculous amount of "interest," fees, whatever.

Good luck and again, sorry for this terrible situation!

[DeBenny]

I am in complete agreement with Laurafern11. What ever you decide avoid those quick cash loans because they do charge literary an arm and a leg in interest. Good luck!

[JennyM]

Lucky,
I had the same problem with my brother except his was drugs...he wanted to move in with me but once an addict always an addict unless they get treatment. I knew if he moved down here then he probably would have stolen from me and its not fair to me. I didn't have good vibes about it like you don't have good vibes about giving money to your mom. One of my uncles's still owes me $400 from 1998! Believe me, I won't ever see that. My father owes my 5k plus interest since June. (I am paying it off) I love my father and he hit hard times, I know he will pay me back, he always has it just takes longer. If you can't pay for a loan by yourself, DON'T DO IT. I know its hard but is it worth bringing your financial status and family down. Don't give her money unless you are able to pay it off. It is possible she might take the money and gamble that away too? I say follow your gut.

[Luckysprite]

thank you guys for the replies. I agree that those types of loans need to be avoided at all costs!! I am afraid of it impacting my credit - and if she doesnt pay - I know we can't afford to right now.

Sadly - my sister is unwilling to help her (a lot more emotional damage from when she left the first time and when mom lived with her when she moved back - my sister felt like an 'enabler' of her addiction because she never enforced 'rent' therefore allowing my mother to be even more irresponsible.) I think she has borrowed money from everyone she knows. We just found out after she left (the second time) that she borrowed almost $10000 from my dad over the last year. Mind you - they have been divorced for atleast 25 years. My dad would give anything to you if he knew you needed it - and I hate to see him taken advantage of like that. She even used to borrow money from my son (who's 12) when she was here. He is the only one she ever paid back, granted she only borrowed about $80.

At this point though - my thought would be to approach my dad and ask for his 'guidance'. He has helped me in the past in hard times - and he would do anything to keep me from messing up again! (Love ya dad!!) My thoughts are that he would offer to help me, help her - but knowing what she has done to him in the past, I am not so sure. Is that fair to do to him??!

We just want her home, especially for the holidays, but nobody trusts her anymore ... rightfully so. I don't think she would gamble the loan away - I think she really would move home with it - but its the paying back part I think she would run into problems with.

[Marie]

I agree with everyone. Talk to your dad and see. It's very hard with people like that. My brother in law once stole my daughters piggy bank contents....sad isn't it?

Where is she going to stay when she gets back?

Good luck :hug:

[LilB]

I'm 24 now. When I was 18 and immature, I took out a payday loan. I made the payments ontime, then I lost my job. I ended up getting a negative hit on telecheck and to this day, I cannot write checks to anybody that checks telecheck despite the fact I have never been overdraft on my checking account for the last 4 years. It's $400. I should just pay it, but I keep putting it off and off. Don't do a payday loan. The interest rates are high. I know you want to be nice to your mom but she made the mistakes in her life, not you.

[cokezero000]

If your mother needs money so bad to move back, why doesn't she just get another job until she can come up with the money????

[djones9714]

Lucky: I know you love your mom; however, if your mom loved you and was putting you first (like mothers should) , she would not be putting you in this predicament. Please explain to your mom that you do not have the money to do this. Can you trust your mom to use the money for moving or will she just gamble it away? Ask yourself that one question before you hand over any more money -- do you completely trust her?

The reason I ask this is because I have been used over and over for the last 5 years by a sister of mine and just finally I said enough is enough. I can't do this anymore. It hurts to have to do this but it also hurt everytime I found out she lied to me and I was played the fool. The last straw was when I gave her $1500 to pay her bills and then I find out a month later, she is at the race tracks, etc., etc. and not once has she even said "Oh, here's $5.00 for you." She hasn't even said one darn word about owing me the money. This has happened to me about 5 times now with her and the same situation all 5 times. Enough!

Just recently, I found out that she is now going after my mom's money. It is so bad now that my mother is getting ready to sign over her house to me because she is afraid that my sister's creditors are going to go after her (she co-signed on my sister's mortgage 5 years ago) and if they go after her, they could put a lien on her house and she will have no place to live if they take her house.

So please, as a friend, I am begging you to please be careful.

[lyro07]

I'm sorry to hear about your mother. I know you really love your mother, but in this case, she has a gambling problem and I'm pretty sure that she will gamble the money away. First of all, she had asked you to take a loan (money that you don't have with really high interest). It shows that she tries to find whatever way to have money for gambling. Sorry to say this but if she has something to pay (really really important), she's gonna gamble the loan money first so she could get more money especially she's deep in debts. The first step that she needs to do is to realize that she has a gambling problem then go to one of the anynomous gambling group therapy or you can call one of those 800 #s. Once she's done with the therapy, she has to be out of the gambling/casino area, because if she starts it again, the problem will come back. It's a long journey and a lot to sacrifice. Not to mention, a lot of money will be wasted for gambling until there is no way out. Also, people who are addicted to gambling will talk to others in a way to make others feel bad for them. Don't take their words. Sorry to say, this is an extremely serious problem. Good Luck.

[lyro07]

When you help your mother, give them the airline ticket, instead. Don't let her have the cash. I think, it would be a good idea for you and your siblings to sit down with her and write all the money that she owes, everything even just $1. She needs to be honest about it. At this point, she is ashamed to let the family knows all her debts and she tries to pay them by herself. Well, she got no money and she will find a quick way to find it by gambling. She knows how much money she lost so far, so she tries to get them back. Also, she had won a lot of money before, more than she probably would make in a month, so she knows she can win. The problem is people get greedy, so if they win so much, they try to win some more which ended up they lose everything, including their money. Again, when you help your mother, don't give her cash, give her an airline ticket instead. She can Not hold the cash anymore. I'm sure she is a good mother, but she is not being herself anymore. Hope the best for your mother.

[KellyKS]

Sorry to hear that you are having to make this hard decision. Just make sure if you do get a loan, that you can afford to pay for it. If you can't afford to pay for the loan than it probably is better to find another way to help her.

I wish you luck on whatever you decide.

[tasksgirl]

What is the loan for? For a moving company? There must be cheaper ways.. Try to maybe get a UHAUL and do it yourself or send a brother or male relative to go and do it.. I know it's far away but I would NEVER hire a moving company lol.. Or is the loan for her to get her own place?

[MendozaQH]

Hey Lucky, everyone has basically said everything that needs to be said! Just wanted to give my encouragement to follow your head and your heart. I think you phrased it perfectly with "tough love"!

[Luckysprite]

I would like to say thank you to everyone who offered their advice or just had an opinion.

Tasks - yes, the loan would be for a moving company - that I would arrange and pay for - if I were to do this. I have gotten several quotes from Uhaul and other various places and they range from $1400 and up.

At any rate - The more I thought about this the more I do not feel comfortable doing it. Its just on 'breaking it to her' that I have the problem with. She has not called me for 2 days (which tells me she knows I don't want to do it and she is avoiding me).

On the other hand - I have thought of this 'temporary solution' to present to her when she does call. If she can afford to pack up what she can in her explorer, drive home - we will work on paying for storage of her things out in CA (if she can not afford it right now) but that way she comes home - stores her belongings and then offer help to go and get it down the road when she can afford to do so on her own. Whether it be flying out there with her - and driving a truck back, whatever - I think that in the mean time if she wants to be home so badly - she will need to find a way to do it within her means.

Thank you guys - again - for all the kind words and support. Bottom line, this is just about so much more than money. I am sad to see the person she has become, knowing these changes have just come about in the past couple of years - and we just desperately want our 'mom' back. I feel if I don't help her come home - she will fall further into depression - which ultimately I know is not my fault - but perhaps I have not tried to 'help' her enough either. I don't want her to spend the holidays alone - and I don't want my children to miss out on their wonderful grandmother. She is just like a 2nd mom to my 12 yr old - as we lived with her until he was 9. I am sad to think that their bond is weakening and my 2 yr old will never get the chance to have that special relationship.

[aprilstorm]

I know you love your mom but there comes a time in your life when you just can't do stuff for people anymore...I know been there done that for a lot of family members snd friends. After awhile you realize that they just use you and while it hurts to say no and they lay a BIG guilt trip on you ..you have to do it...I know easier said than done. Just tell you are are not able to help her..if it would make you feel better go talk to your dad..just tell him and let him know you know about the money she got from him and tell him your not asking for the money..you just need advise!!!!

[Glühbirne]

I agree with everyone else, the payday loans are very dangerous. I used to work at a collections agency and sometimes we did a few of those. You'd probably be better off selling a kidney than taking out a payday loan.

[mami.rodriguez]

You'd probably be better off selling a kidney than taking out a payday loan.


Anyone want one??? I have an extra and need cash!!! JK LOL

[epm525]

Lucky - wow, what a rough situation! Please don't take out a payday loan. Those are nothing but bad news. Maybe your mom can sell some of her stuff to help pay to get home?

[Luckysprite]

Again - thanks guys. We got a the situation tentatively worked out, just not to my mom's liking I guess, as she hung up on my last night when talking to her about it.

It DID NOT involve a payday loan. My dad was going to help her out to get home here. I called him this past week and had a heart to heart with him - and I don't know if she was mad that I asked him for advice or if she was just mad that I made a comment about her being 'financially responsible' once she got home - but 'click'.

I called her back and her cell phone was shut off almost immediately. I don't know if it was because she was out of the service area (where she lives she doesnt get a signal, and she was driving when we were talking) or it was because I upset her even more.

More drama - I just hope she is okay. I was the last person in the family she really talked to anymore and I don't want to 'cut' that line - with her depression, it worries me.

[SHELLYFCO]

Lucky you are in a really tough situation, even more so as you may feel responsible for how your actions/decisions affect your Mom. I have a relative that has begged, borrowed, stole from so many family members but still comes out smelling like a rose. His last hope in the family was Mom who always came to his rescue, until she finally had to say enough is enough. Tough love (tougher on the party having to administer it). I always told Mom that if she didn't come to his rescue, someone else would and until he was ready and willing to take some level of responsibility for his action or lack therof, then we shouldn't take the burdon of worrying or putting out fires on his behalf.

I'm so sorry that you're stuck in the middle, even more so as you are the lifeline to Mom. Sometimes people aren't able to start picking themselves up until they've hit rock bottom. Glad you have your Dad to discuss this with and that he is able to help bring Mom home for the holidays. She is probably ticked off that he is involved, after all, they are divorced. She'll come around once she realizes how hard you're trying to bring her home for the holidays and hopefully one day will appreciate your help.

[epm525]

Good luck with everything! *Hugs*

[shannon]

been there, done that.. big mistake. If you can't pay them back right away, they keep taking huge chunks out of your paycheck (ridiculous interest) and then you can't pay your other bills. Good luck with your situation with your mom.

[joy&pain]

Again - thanks guys. We got a the situation tentatively worked out, just not to my mom's liking I guess, as she hung up on my last night when talking to her about it.

It DID NOT involve a payday loan. My dad was going to help her out to get home here. I called him this past week and had a heart to heart with him - and I don't know if she was mad that I asked him for advice or if she was just mad that I made a comment about her being 'financially responsible' once she got home - but 'click'.

I called her back and her cell phone was shut off almost immediately. I don't know if it was because she was out of the service area (where she lives she doesnt get a signal, and she was driving when we were talking) or it was because I upset her even more.

More drama - I just hope she is okay. I was the last person in the family she really talked to anymore and I don't want to 'cut' that line - with her depression, it worries me.


Luckysprite, Although it may not have worked out exactly how you planned (or how your mother would have wanted), I'm glad you did not put your family at risk financially. Emotions seem to kick in and we want to help, but realistically- getting a payday loan that you would have been responsible for when you couldn't afford it and trying to clean up your own credit and debt would have been inviting disaster. I'm glad you have your dad to give you advice and I really wish the best for your family.