stubborness!

[JennyM]

Ok, my father is burro! I asked my father before I got married "what would you do if I got married?" he told me that he would smack me in the head. Well, he didnt' know about the wedding and still doesn't know. I try to talk civil to him but all he can say is "he's illegal, and its not fair that illegals collect american benefits and don't pay etc etc." On some issues, I don't believe illegals should collect social security if they haven't paid into it, because it hurts my retirement. They shouldn't get any more special privledeges then a person who was born here. I do believe if you kill someone you should face charges and be deported. I don't believe that people who have offence after offence be able to become legal. My husband has no criminal background but I wouldn't have married him if he did. I am just very torn at this subject because there is no quick way to fix this. We are not deporting criminals, we are deporting mothers who try to get away from criminals. It just doesn't make sense. Also, I heard that the US can not deport someone that thier country doesn't want. What kind of crap is that? Its not right to the ones who want to make something of thier life.

[tasksgirl]

Wow that is harsh.. so your dad is against this? I'm sorry I wish I knew what to say.. my family has been good and if anyone thinks anything bad they have never said it to my face or to my parents..that I know of..

Hopefully in time he will come around ..

[JennyM]

When he's legal.......but other than that he likes him.

[Adriane]

I hope you dad comes around. Does the rest of your family approve? Such a shame you had to have your wedding day without your dad- he missed out on a great opportunity to walk his little girl down the aisle. Good luck with him and I hope it all improves.

[Glühbirne]

Sorry about your dad. I bet him and my mom would have a field day together, because he sounds just like her.

Perhaps next time he starts one of his rants, you could ask, "Dad, do we have to talk about politics every time I bring up Jose?"

Unfortunately, the best advice I can give you is to get used to it. Don't expect it to change after you get married, or after your husband has a greencard. You've got to realize that dealing with your dads crap is one of the many sacrifices you have to make for being married to your husband. But if he's worth marrying, he's worth it!! Good luck.

[Kikigurl1]

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is being like he is... it always sucks when your family is so stubborn. I kinda had the same problem with my brother and sometimes my mom.. but their problem is mostly just fear of me being used or hurt. Which is understandable. I wonder what's gonna happen though when he finds out about the wedding... I hope he turns around. Well keep your head up because everything that happens happens for a reason. It's so cliche, but I believe that. Try not to stress too much over it

[inlimbo]

sorry to hear you're having problems! I had a similar conversation with my dad last year, who ranted and raved about all the illegals jumping the fence. I don't have a very close relationship with him anyways, so a conversation like that left a very sour taste in my mouth! I guess I don't really have much advice, other than to second what gluhbirne said: if your husband is worth it, he's worth it, and it's your dad's loss, ultimately!

Good luck. I hope you can work this out!

[ratito921]

just stay strong and keep your head up. Some people are very hard to deal with and some come around to it. If he sees that your husband treats you well and isn't it for anything other than love hopefully he'll come around. maybe he's on the defense because you're his little girl and he doesn't want you to get hurt.

[JennyM]

what is really hard is that I hated my father growing up and my mother was out of the picture and at 20 I finally had this relationship with him. I had a real hard time in the military and always had nightmares but ever since I met my husband I haven't had them and I'm no longer scared in my house. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. My grandparents are happy about him. But the rest of the family is like "I heard he can't even speak English" I hate all those losers, they were never there for me like he is. I have my close friends who support me and that's all I really care about. We'll get married again for my family and they can accept it or be out of my life. I'm 25 and I'd like to have kids before 30.

[nineten]

Try to divert the conversation away from his being illegal.

Focus the direction of conversation on his good points that a father would want for his daughter. Point out that he has better qualities than other guys you've been interested in, etc. Express your fiances interest in assimilating into our American culture, etc. If you discuss the same issue you'll get the same results. Swing the topics of discussion into another direction and try to take your father's mind off the illegal part.

[NYCwife]

Jenny,

I am sorry you have to go through this with your father. I think that the immigration issue is complex and so many people just do not grasp all of the tiny issues that get wrapped up in the so-called immigration debate. It may be that you have to have a superficial relationship with your father and he can never share the happiness you have in your marriage. That is sad, but keep your head up. If you have a great husband, he will be worth it.

peace...
nycgrrl

[JennyM]

Try to divert the conversation away from his being illegal.

Focus the direction of conversation on his good points that a father would want for his daughter. Point out that he has better qualities than other guys you've been interested in, etc. Express your fiances interest in assimilating into our American culture, etc. If you discuss the same issue you'll get the same results. Swing the topics of discussion into another direction and try to take your father's mind off the illegal part.

nineten,
I do this all the time. He is just worried that there is no chance of him taking care of me....ie go to college to better himself...etc. I know he is worried but I'm not the one working on my 4th marriage or in debt upto my eyeballs....it just drives me crazy some times.

[KellyKS]

Sorry to hear that has happened. He sounds kind of like my mom. Very stubborn and set in his ways. When I got married to my second husband I didn't tell them right away either. Though with my mom it was for a different reason. She is ok with Mexicans , doesn't matter if they are legal or not. Her problem was she figured I should of stayed with my first husband and she said a lot of hurtful things when I told her I was getting a divorce. She just is very set in how she thinks about certain issues.

Actually I feel she is a very closed minded and negative individual and she would agree with me. She always says that I am so positive about things and she is more negative.

I guess, the best way for me to deal with it is just not talk about the issue. Just to agree to disagree. Easier said than done, I am sure. I learned with my mom, to not argue or say anything about the issue or she would go on and on and on. I use to do that and I would end up so upset. Now I will not really listen or change the subject.

Also I have had relatives of my mom's family says things in the past about people not speaking English and they should...etc....etc...
An uncle was saying this in front of my husband and I finally said to my uncle he can understand you, just can't respond really well. Then I asked my uncle if he could speak another language and that English is harder to learn than Spanish. He just looked at me and walked away. I guess he thought he was the only one asking questions and making comments. LOL I just had to laugh thinking poor people don't know anything.

[nineten]

JennyM - Since you mentioned he's working on his fourth marriage and in debt it might be he's judging your fiance by the way he judges his own self by the way he made mistakes.

[JennyM]

JennyM - Since you mentioned he's working on his fourth marriage and in debt it might be he's judging your fiance by the way he judges his own self by the way he made mistakes.

I'm thinking so as well! (He's my husband now) :)

[JennyM]

Actually I feel she is a very closed minded and negative individual and she would agree with me. She always says that I am so positive about things and she is more negative.

I guess, the best way for me to deal with it is just not talk about the issue. Just to agree to disagree. Easier said than done, I am sure. I learned with my mom, to not argue or say anything about the issue or she would go on and on and on. I use to do that and I would end up so upset. Now I will not really listen or change the subject.

Also I have had relatives of my mom's family says things in the past about people not speaking English and they should...etc....etc...
An uncle was saying this in front of my husband and I finally said to my uncle he can understand you, just can't respond really well. Then I asked my uncle if he could speak another language and that English is harder to learn than Spanish. He just looked at me and walked away. I guess he thought he was the only one asking questions and making comments. LOL I just had to laugh thinking poor people don't know anything.

Well, I'm just thankful I only have to deal with 1! My father. My mother left when I was five and disowned me by 15 so I haven't even spoken to her since 2001, nor do I care. I tried but some pople are "stuck in their ways" She will never see my future kids or my husband. I have 2 younger brothers as well, I just hope one day they come and find me. They are 14 & 16 now. Too bad you can't pick your family. His family has been nothing but open arms to me, I guess that is the part that hurts so much.

[nineten]

Sorry JennyM, I missed it that you were married. Maybe I was in a rush! Duh!!