Am I being selfish?

[fashionista]

Starting this whole immigration process really got me thinking lately that even though CDJ has a high approval rate there is still a possibility of my husbands waiver being denied for whatever reason. I absolutly love my husband so much and believe he is my soulmate. However when I think about the possiblity of his waiver being denied and him having to stay in Mexico, my first thought is I do not want to live in Mexico or any other place else. I have worked so hard for the career I have and what I have, I am so close to my family , I am so use to the way my life is and the way I live and I want to get another degree. I know I have to think positive but lately I've been really depresed and I cant get these negative thoughts out of my head. Have any you felt this way? I feel really bad about thinking this way and i feel that I am being selfish.

[laluna]

i feel exactly the same way. i worked very hard for my career. all my family lives near me. sometimes i think about moving to mx, because i am beginning to hate the u.s. gov't, but i know i am better off in the U.S. i have been to mx and i can tell you that you will suffer more, in many ways, if you move there.

[mtrujillo]

I think we all feel the same way at some point.

[lilly]

hello sorry i replied here but i need to start a new thread but i cant can someone explain me how? thx

[SHELLYFCO]

hello sorry i replied here but i need to start a new thread but i cant can someone explain me how? thx


Go to Immigrate2US
Go to the Forum your thread would apply to
Click New Thread
Type your message
Then post.

[SHELLYFCO]

Starting this whole immigration process really got me thinking lately that even though CDJ has a high approval rate there is still a possibility of my husbands waiver being denied for whatever reason. I absolutly love my husband so much and believe he is my soulmate. However when I think about the possiblity of his waiver being denied and him having to stay in Mexico, my first thought is I do not want to live in Mexico or any other place else. I have worked so hard for the career I have and what I have, I am so close to my family , I am so use to the way my life is and the way I live and I want to get another degree. I know I have to think positive but lately I've been really depresed and I cant get these negative thoughts out of my head. Have any you felt this way? I feel really bad about thinking this way and i feel that I am being selfish.

I think we've all been in your shoes to some degree at one time or another. My hubby told me at one point he was sure that I would dump if we didn't get an approval. He knows how hard life in Mexico is, especially for a USC who has never had to live there on a permanent basis. I can admit now, I honestly don't know what would have happened if we didn't receive our approval. Selfish or not, you have to follow your heart and do what you feel is best. Unfortunately for most of us, we are suffering the consequences of past offenses by our Significant Others. . . try to think positive even on the darkest days.

[DeBenny]

fashionista: I know exactly waht you mean. I need to keep myself busy because then I would wonder off to the what-ifs. I dont think there is a clear answer of how to handle this because this is a normal feeling that we all share. These are life changing events if we are denied or backlogged, you know. Also, it is very difficult to talk to people about this because no one could relate to what is going on. I send you a hug! My best advice is to to try to keep yourself as "mentally" busy as possible. Hang in there ;).

[MH&L]

Fashionista- I can't tell you how many feelings I went through with all of this process. Last winter I barely talked to any of our mutal friends while my husband was gone. I wouldn't call him for days, I didn't really have anything nice to say about him and none of it was his fault. All of it felt too hard and I kept thinking, why am I in this. Then you get to the end of yourself and realize, I married him for all of these reasons and if he doesn't get approved, I am just not going to be married, I wasn't supposed to be married. It took me until close to a year of him being gone that I realized truly in my heart, how much I love him. Since the moment I met him, it has been years of stress and complex feelings. In the last 14 months, we (our son and myself) have gone to Mexico three times. This of course, confirmed for me that I never ever want to live there forever- especially while I am working.

I worked hard for my career as well- 6 years in college, 8 years experience. I don't want to give that up. I didn't know if I was ready to give all that up to be together. In the last few months, I have realized, we would just have to work it out. I am stubborn, it may have taken much more time for me than others. But I do know deep inside me- this seperation has completely clarified our relationship to me. It isn't about just doing the laundry and putting our son down at night and all the other tasks that come with keeping a household.

Our relationship comes first. For so long, immigration came first before our relationship. Once immigration is behind you or you see the end in sight, you start to see who you are as a couple. Not just one American and one Illegal immigrant.

All of those feelings are so normal. I have 3 friends who have gone through this process- two of which had to be seperated. The two who were seperated went through a similar process of feelings.

Allow yourself to feel what is normal and natural and don't beat yourself up over it. You are doing the best you can under the circumstances. As difficult as this all is- it requires such soul searching- even if you don't want to do it- (like I didn't) You are NOT selfish.

[Glühbirne]

We all go through those feelings at one point or another. There used to be moments when I would suddenly be gripped with fear. All the "what-ifs" would start to fill up my mind until the future looked so bleak that I felt like burying my head in my pillow and hiding from the world forever. I think they're probably normal emotions for someone in our situation to go through.

When you think about all you have accomplished in your life, don't think about how afraid you are to lose it. Rather, think about how it proves that you are capable at succeeding. Look back at the obstacles that stood in your way in your past. Even though they might have seemed insurmountable at the time, you got over them. You now face this obstacle, and just like you got over all the others, you will get over this one.

You are an intelligent person and no matter where you end up, you are able to turn it into something positive. Yes, there's a small chance that you might have to move to Mexico and live your life there. Don't let it weigh you down. Just say to yourself, "So what?" Just put it in God's hands. After all, if He wants you in Mexico, then you're not going to be able to change that. Take this burdon you are carrying and give it to the Lord. Stop leaning on your own understanding.

Don't focus on the ifs of the future. Focus on your marriage in the here and now. You married this person for better or for worse until death, greencard or no greencard, Mexico, USA, or Antarctica. I think that like me and almost everyone else on here, you knew what you were getting into when you married him, but decided that he was worth it. Smile to yourself, and remember that you may someday have the priveledge of moving to a foreign land to be with your soulmate. Rejoice that you have the joy of being in a marriage with your soul mate, and thank the Lord that your soulmate is from a place so near your home. After all, you could have fallen in love with someone from China and be facing the possibility of living out your life there. When you look at it that way, Mexico doesn't seem half bad, does it? LOL

[djones9714]

Reading these posts gives me hope and I pray that each and every one of you get approved. However, from a mother's side of things -- how in the world can I live without my daughter if she has to move to another country. Reading these posts and knowing what each one of you are going through only makes me sad thinking that I may lose my daughter through all of this and this is not fair! So even though I am not going through his nightmare myself, I am indeed going through this as a mother who would kill for her children.

[IBMMuseum]

...sometimes i think about moving to mx, because i am beginning to hate the u.s. gov't, but i know i am better off in the U.S. i have been to mx and i can tell you that you will suffer more, in many ways, if you move there.

Letsee, a month living in a big sandpit with rolling duststorms every day. Years aboard tiny, old ships (on occasion in live minefields) that had raw sewage overflow in the bathrooms on a regular basis. Approaching 22 years of service doing whichever odd thing at the behest of that government.

So that some paper-pusher that may not even have that many years alive can now try to make me jump through whichever hoops they want to...

Yes, it's a crazy world...

[ratito921]

I felt that way. Right before we got our approval I was talking on the phone to my husband and told him that I'm going to start making arrangements to get rid of everything so I can go to Mexico and live there with him. I also started writing a new letter and figuring things out in case we were denied. I completely hit rock bottom that night. It was all the stress of it and I couldn't get a grip on it. I didn't want to be going through it anymore. He left 6 months before his appointment, because he wanted to be with his family, then a month after he left he was ready to come back and there was nothing he could do to come back.

This entire process is a roller coaster ride. It's emotionally stressful and if you're working 2 jobs, chasing your kids, not getting any sleep it is so physically demanding. And unless you're financially well off that can be the thing that really gets you. I know that on my measly salary it was so hard to support 2 households but we made it. By the grace of God we made it.

All I can say is be strong and don't give in to those feelings. Don't let those thoughts over take you unless it actually happens.

[SHELLYFCO]

Reading these posts gives me hope and I pray that each and every one of you get approved. However, from a mother's side of things -- how in the world can I live without my daughter if she has to move to another country. Reading these posts and knowing what each one of you are going through only makes me sad thinking that I may lose my daughter through all of this and this is not fair! So even though I am not going through his nightmare myself, I am indeed going through this as a mother who would kill for her children.

My Mom expressed the same emotions, made even more difficult by the fact that both my parents love my husband as much as they do me (at times more since they seem to take his side these days). This is a long difficult journey and you will be tested every step of the way. Hang in there and know that you'll make the best decisions that you are able to.

[egonzalez1975]

Just remember that you have the pilot program and with a good strong letter you will be approved. I would concentrate on all of that and then make a decision if that every does happen. I know that is easier said than done.

I had a horrible war going on inside of me when I was told that he would HAVE to stay in Mexico for god knows how long. I wanted so bad to be with him but at the same time the kids needed to be in school and I had a career that I had worked so hard to obtain. I did spend 3 months in Mexico with him and honestly I was so scared to come home alone and felt angry about having to do everything that I knew I would face once I got home.

It will be okay and how you are feeling is okay. It is a normal response to what is happening and so many of us have felt the same way as you.

[djones9714]

Shellyfco: I know now how your mom felt. I am the same also. I love my son-in-law and she is pregnant. Knowing that he will not be here for the birth of his first child really makes me mad and angry. I just don't know who to take my anger out on. I love him dearly and don't want to blame him. He was only 16 when he entered and has treated me like his own mother for the last 7 years. I guess I will just keep the venting to myself because I certainly don't want him to feel guilty but it's hard.

[lexidoodle]

Reading these posts gives me hope and I pray that each and every one of you get approved. However, from a mother's side of things -- how in the world can I live without my daughter if she has to move to another country. Reading these posts and knowing what each one of you are going through only makes me sad thinking that I may lose my daughter through all of this and this is not fair! So even though I am not going through his nightmare myself, I am indeed going through this as a mother who would kill for her children.


:ditto:

[SHELLYFCO]

Shellyfco: I know now how your mom felt. I am the same also. I love my son-in-law and she is pregnant. Knowing that he will not be here for the birth of his first child really makes me mad and angry. I just don't know who to take my anger out on. I love him dearly and don't want to blame him. He was only 16 when he entered and has treated me like his own mother for the last 7 years. I guess I will just keep the venting to myself because I certainly don't want him to feel guilty but it's hard.

You should hear my Mom when she's all fired up about immigration - she scares me even. I tell her to use that energy to write our Congressman, Senator, the President etc. to voice her opinion. Trust me, you absolutely have no idea what it is all about until you are going through it so it became a real eye opener when we (my family and I) began this process. If my Mom were in a position of power in Immigration, you can trust that the process would move a whole lot quicker. So, when I submitted my HSL, while the hardships were geared toward me the USC, I did include the hardships of my family.

Hang in there everyone, this is a long tough road. . .and I pray that we are reunited with those we love.

[Amazonmamita]

We have talked briefly about what we would do if we were not approved. I try to stay positive and my husband is the one I worry about. I can honestly tell he is scared we could get denied. He told me last night that he doesn't want to go to Mexico cause the majority of his family are here. I believe we all think sometimes what would we do. I know in our case we would probably reside in a border city so I could work in the states and the girls could go to school in USA. It would be hard but God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I feel blessed in a way that I have learned another culture and made me realize how blessed we are in this country. I wouldn't trade my life for anything else!

[Glühbirne]

Shellyfco: I know now how your mom felt. I am the same also. I love my son-in-law and she is pregnant. Knowing that he will not be here for the birth of his first child really makes me mad and angry. I just don't know who to take my anger out on. I love him dearly and don't want to blame him. He was only 16 when he entered and has treated me like his own mother for the last 7 years. I guess I will just keep the venting to myself because I certainly don't want him to feel guilty but it's hard.

My mom told me countless number of of times, both directly and indirectly, to divorce my husband and "come back home," before and during the time I was in Juarez. She was rarely supportive. The only reason she ever looked forward to him getting his greencard was that she thought it would meant she would have her little girl back.

Now I live in the same town as her as she still doesn't have her little girl back. The reason is that I grew up and got married. Just like she puts my dad first, I put my husband first.

The entire situation of who I married and the whole immigration process, is what my mom blames for our lack of closeness, but unfortunately, I don't have that much in common with her and although I'll always love her a lot, no matter who I would have married and where I would have moved, things wouldn't be any different between us than they are now.

Well, that's a daughter's perspective.

[MARIPLAY]

I think I am going though this phase right now ..

my husband is in Mexico ..and I want to go and live with him so bad ..but I don't want to loose my job ..it's a good Job (I'm an accountant..) and the company i work for really helps me out ...

I am lost without my husband and it scares me to think I was starting to depend on someone and not having him here is making me independent again...and it scared me to think other things..like what if he cheats on me ...hes a man and he has urges..so all of those things go through my head and the only thing i have to keep me sane is my trust..Because I love and trust him ..

[mexicanlove]

I think that pre worrying doesnt do anything good to anyone mentally, you need to focus on today, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

[djones9714]

My mom told me countless number of of times, both directly and indirectly, to divorce my husband and "come back home," before and during the time I was in Juarez. She was rarely supportive. The only reason she ever looked forward to him getting his greencard was that she thought it would meant she would have her little girl back.

Now I live in the same town as her as she still doesn't have her little girl back. The reason is that I grew up and got married. Just like she puts my dad first, I put my husband first.

The entire situation of who I married and the whole immigration process, is what my mom blames for our lack of closeness, but unfortunately, I don't have that much in common with her and although I'll always love her a lot, no matter who I would have married and where I would have moved, things wouldn't be any different between us than they are now.

Well, that's a daughter's perspective.



I am sorry to hear this because I would never tell my daughter that and she knows it. I wouldn't even tell my son-in-law anything of that sort because he is like a son to me. However, I do understand the point you made about the "little girl has grown up." I know I have a hard time sometimes figuring that one out and probably never will. She will always be my little girl. Sorry! It is just that we are so very, very close. We share everything and I couldn't imagine being so far away from her. She depends on me and I depend on her. If it happens, it happens and I will deal with it and make the most of it. I will always support her and him and we will come through this.

[Chapital]

The feelings I have when I think about having to live in Mexico if our waiver is denied definitely help me to understand why my husband chose to enter the US illegally.....

[ce&ll]

As others have stated, we all feel like this at some point during the process. With the pilot program you might have any separation process and your husband might be able to come home in a few days. When my husband was going to through this process it was before the pilot program so he did spend 1 year in mexico waiting for an approval. I love my husband dearly but couldn't stay in Mexico because I didn't want to loose my job, I had just got hired with the state. As I have said many times, I went to visit my huband 10 times during his 12 month stay in Mexico because I missed him so much but had many reasons keeping me here in the states. My husband hated the fact of living in Mexico and honestly doesn't plan on returning to live just to visit! I don't know what we would have done if he wasn't approved, keeping my husband in Mexico to live would have been a challenge in itself but I think we would have considered living on a bordertown so that I could work in the U.S. Don't loose hope and don't worry too much now, you still have time before the interview. This site will help you prepare a great HSL so that your husband gets approved at his infopass!

[fashionista]

I think that pre worrying doesnt do anything good to anyone mentally, you need to focus on today, and leave tomorrow for tomorrow.

That is so true, I am making myself sick by worring so much about the "what if's". I just need to concentrate on today and leave tomarrow for tomarrow. I should be happy that I have my great husband with me and if all goes well we might not even need to be seperated!

Thanks you guys for your advise. it really does make me feel better. This is why I love this site so much, because everybody understands what we are going through.

[Task]

Damn that sucks i know i wonder too what if i dont get approved. My wife would be depressed and i dont know if our relationship would last =( i feel like im just an anchor she has to sail with.

[tasksgirl]

WHHHHAAAT of course it would last :( yes you are my anchor keeping me grounded and happy and safe !!!!!!!!

[Rox&Ari05]

I know the feeling of thinking all the negative thoughts, but untill i found this website i never felt so confident. But now that i am living the story of being seperated from my husband, I know that i can't live with out him. It would be hard for me to live here. I also have worked hard for my career. I recently graduated from school and earned my degree and i too have dreams of going back to school to get a higher degree, but my husbad comes first and i have will make that sacrafice and move there with him. We we don't have any children so it does make it easier for me to up and move. My family lives near me, but they understand that i need to be with him and support him. Since it is easier for me to came and go as i please we decided on that. But i would foicus on what you need to get done for today and worry about tomarrow when it comes.

[LucynSergio]

Fashionista,
I know what you mean all this time I talk to my family and friends and I'm like I would not be able to live in Mexico and be happy. But since my hubby's been gone I've gone twice to visit him and really I couldn't imagine life without him at all. Even if I had to leave all the wonderful things here that I have worked so hard for I will never be happy without my soul mate. There are many things you could do. You can live in boarder town and work in US. Or you can start a new company in Mexico.
It's not being selfish it's the first thing you couldn't imagine yourself doing. Leaving your home. But it's a very hard decision to make. Good Luck