What do you tell your spouse?

[mi_corazon]

So I was on the phone with my husband last night and we were talking about what month waivers that DHS was working on...and he seemed so excited to hear that people from roughly mid September had been receiving their approval letters. You see we filed ours in October and it entered DHS on the first of November...so we are close. I told him...yeah so close, but yet so far away. It feels like things have slowed down a bit. He still remained positive though.

I just didn't have the heart to tell him how far out the pick up dates are...he desperately wants to be home and see our almost three year old and his son that he hasn't even met yet. Not to mention he wants to be the "man" and help to support his family. I think that he feels guilty that right now I am the one working and taking care of the kids and sending money to him in Mex. So I haven't yet told him the news of the pick up dates. I do realize that at least we would have a date to work toward, but he just seemed so positive for once that I didn't want to ruin that. I never keep things from my husband, but it had been so long since I heard that positivity. So my question is...have any of you kept anything from your spouse...whether it be about the process or anything else?

[Chula]

I tell him everything that way I am not trying to find excuse after excuse as to why they aren't moving along it's hard on him I know but it will be soon you will see.

[gdalicia]

I didn't tell my husband about the pilot program right away. I just didn't want to break his heart! And since it didn't really affect us one way or the other, I thought...what's the point? But then I realized that if I was in his position and he was the one who had all the information that I would want to know EVERYTHING...the good, the bad, and the ugly....So I told him about the four month pick-ups so that he can start to accept the idea that we still have a long road ahead of us. Also, it's probably good for them to understand that anything can happen in this process and not to get too attached to the idea of things happening a certain way. But I totally understand the desire to protect him!

[mi_corazon]

I know that I will tell him soon, but I just couldn't take that postivity away from him...you see...he is the "realistic" one...so it was nice to see him finally realize that we are getting closer. I know that when I talk to him on Wednesday that I will tell him...just wondered if anybody else was in a similar situation.

[aprilstorm]

I didn't tell my husband about the pilot program for awhile. I knew that he would be upset.....he usually was the strong optimistic one but he was starting to get depressed so I didn't want to tell him. Thank God we finally got approved. We didn't have to wait as long for our appointment as you guys now. I think he would have been happy just to know he was approved and was coming home then still wondering if it was ever going to happen.

[bamajoey]

For me, Once I get the approval the waiting four months is a piece of cake. Just knowing that she will definetly be here takes out all the fear factor. The not knowing and what if is what drives me crazy. It will be much easier once the approval has been finalized.

Take, Bamajoey

[bloom]

when i told my husband about the pick-up dates, he said he really didn't want us to talk any more about immigration until there is some good news. we had been so hopeful with the way things were moving for a while that we both kind of expected it would just be a few more months to go. i told him i really don't expect him to be back before the end of the year anymore-- there has just been so much false hope that i just don't want either of us to feel let down again. but we both agreed that whatever the answer is, it would be so much better to know and have to wait than just keep living in limbo with that constant fear of the unknown.

[3inmexico]

I didn't tell my wife about the long pickup dates. When I got the approval letter she was very happy. About a week or so later I called and got the pickup date and then told her. She was disappointed of course. I just didn't want to give her such bad news while she was waiting. Now I still haven't told her about the pilot program. Is that bad?? I just don't want to break her heart and let her know if we had just waited some more months we could have used it. We are going to be apart 12 months this month.

[Dorothea]

I waited a while before I told my husband about the pilot program.
I usually tell him when there is a big wave of approvals going on around here, sometimes I talk about wishing I was in that line...
He says he doesn't care and tells me I should be reading this website at all because sometimes I'm sad about it...
Well, sometimes it hurts, but a lot of times it makes it easier too!

[Glühbirne]

I always told my husband everything, even when I knew it would make him angry/discouraged/disgusted etc. I want him to always be as honest as possible with me, so I try to be so with him. His famiy would constantly ask about it every single time they called, and that did bother me a little. I guess I can see thier side of wanting to know that thier brother/son's future was going to be better, but nevertheless, sometimes I felt like it wasn't any of thier business. I have to admit that in many ways I did, and still do, feel like it was more my battle than anyone elses, even my husband. Of course, our situation was different in that we didn't have children that were being affected. Those additional parent-child relationships didn't come into play for us. That would have made it a whole different ballgame.

Before we moved to Juarez, he didn't really care much and usually didn't pay attention. After we got to Juarez when he got sick of living there and before he got used to it, he would ask me on a daily basis about it. Sometimes he would be extremely whiny about it, begging me to let him just "go back" (and he didn't mean the legal way). Other times he would be angry or disgusted, blaming someone or something for the fact he was so miserable , and it usually ended up being me (who was definately not less miserable than him). Sometimes in the deepest of deep dark secret thoughts, I would wonder if he loved the United States more than he loved me. I would ask him if he would have fallen in love with me if I were the exact same person but a poor uneducated illegal alien from Mexico like him, rather than a middle class white American girl. Of course he said Yes, but still, my insecurities would sometimes plague me more than I would have admitted at the time.

He didn't care much about this website, nor did he pay attention to it, until he got to meet a few couples from here. After that, he had a better idea of what it was all about. I think meeting other couples helped him to see that other people (flesh and bone people) were going through the same things as we were. Now, he asks me about the website. He asks about some of the people we met by name. He knows who Chula is, too, because she used to call me when I lived in Juarez. :-)

After six months or so, we found a supportive church and we both got close to God. Mr. G started reading the Bible on a daily basis. The spiritual growth really helped him be more content with the life we were living. We started to realize more deeply that we were there for a reason, and we had to trust God to bring us out in HIS time. It was nice to trust God. There was a year or so there, where I'd say that our marriage was better than it had been (or has been since.) That was when we were both seeking God together in the same church.

[ratito921]

I always told hubby everything eventhough my friends kept telling me not too. He and I were up and down during the process but now we're doing great. It's like the downs never even happened. I think honesty is the best policy even though it might hurt and pray a lot and find your faith in something.

[Glühbirne]

So rat, now that Mr. R is home, is the attempt at baby-making going to start in earnest? :bounce::love:

[ratito921]

So rat, now that Mr. R is home, is the attempt at baby-making going to start in earnest? :bounce::love:

it's already started dahlin! we find out on the 17th if this round of clomid worked or not. If not, we try again. Persistance I say!! :wink:

[egonzalez1975]

I ALWAYS called my husband immediately whenever I found anything out. I truly felt like this was us going through this together and he needs to go through the emotions with me.

If I didn't tell him and something made my emotions either sad, angry, or really happy and I hadn't told him what he would have gotten angry with me for holding it in anyway. So for me the only option was for him to know everything every step of the way during our process.

[amlopez]

I quit telling my husband anything having to do with immigration. The last thing I told him was about the 4 month pick up dates and he said I dont know what I am talking about, where did I here that. I told him about everyone on the site having their date and he told me I need to stay off of the internet. :wha: He says anything can happen and doesnt want to think about it. I think he is having a hard time knowing that I am here alone with the kids and doesnt want to think of having to wait that much longer. If not talking about immigration helps him cope then I am all for it.

[inlimbo]

aw poop. I just wrote a long response and then the site logged me out and ate my response! anyways...I just wanted to say this was a comforting thread to read because many of the things that other people are describing are things that I've gone through myself with my fiance, even though we aren't at the point of waiting for our visa pick-up, unfortunately!

like gluh said, i feel that in many ways this immigration battle has been my own battle. my fiance gets really frustrated when I start talking about all the details, so i've learned that it's better to just give him the big picture, even though that too is very frustrating. I just feel that it's best for him to have a realistic idea of what could happen so that he isn't putting all his hope into 'getting our lives back' by the end of the year. Living in Mexico in some ways makes it harder because it's harder to see your partner suffering than to just suffer through it on your own, you know?

In the past 7 or 8 months I've definitely learned that we handle stress differently, for me it's all about learning about the problem so I can have a better picture of the future, but for him it's too overwhelming. My only concern sometimes is that if things don't work out with immigration stuff, will he blame me for spending all of our time and money on this since I've been the one who is mostly responsible for it? Sometimes it is a lot of pressure to handle on your own.

[mamacita]

Hi Mi Corazon,
You and I are only a couple of weeks apart in our waiver filing. My husband was interviewed on Nov 2nd and turned in the waiver on Nov 5th,,,,,so if CDJ is currently working on Sept/mid then it shouldn't be hopefully too long before we get our waiver approvals (I am being positive only about this.;)

Maybe toward the end or middle of next month is my guess if they keep on working on the waivers and don't slow down, of which I have noticed they have gotten a little slower than the beginning of June when we saw all of those massive approvals?:thumbup:

I would love to know we could each have our husbands back home by Christmas for a wonderful Xmas present, each other and our family back together once again!

I'll keep you and everyone else in my prayers that Oscar and Warren have kinds hearts and are carrying an Angel on their shoulders to get us reunited and back home with our spouses very soon!:go:

God bless!

Mamacita:go:

[gdalicia]

Inlimbo my hubby and I also handle stress VERY differently. I need to talk about it, obsess, talk some more, call my friends, did I say obsess??:wink: Hubby is very quiet and seems to get even quieter when he's stressed out. He does not like to hash out every little detail because it just makes him feel worse, and he hates talking about "what ifs" and little hypothetical scenarios. I very much relate to the feeling that this is really my struggle and that he's just along for the ride at times. Other days I am so grateful that one of us is able to be strong and calm because if he was falling apart all the time this would be so much worse! Through it all I feel like we have learned so much about each other and we have grown even closer. So I let him be who he is, and he lets me talk his ear off everyday for an hour. :D And even though this has been one of the hardest things I've ever been through, it has taught me so much about what loving someone really means.

[Dorothea]

I know exactly what you mean gdalicia! Sometimes when I'm having a good moment I just think how much this process reminds me that I am really in love with my husband :love:

When we were here together struggling to pay bills, etc... that was really easy to forget!