Kinderten heartbreak(racism?!?!)

[FloresFamilia]

My first baby started kindergarten on Tuesday. Today was her second day. She is a very talkative social child when confortable but, at the same time she is takes a long time to get comfortable in new environments with large groups(as many children do.) She has expressed to me feelings of wanting to play with children or talk to someone, but feeling too self concious or shy to do so. She talks of ways to work up the courage and figure out just the right way to introduce herself or approach a possible friend. At her preschool and daycare she had many friends and was very social once she got over the initial shyness. I know she spent several days during jumpstart a few weeks ago talking to no one all day and was really eager to get the guts up to play with a little girl "Ana" in her class whom she ran into at a community parade last week. Yesterday(the first day she didn't manage to do it.) But, today she made another friend during recess and then asked Ana to join them. my daughter's version:"Ana was kind of going to play with us on the bars too. She has a big sister with a green sweatshirt. She said 'Get away from that girl she is a Mexican' "
Me:"who said that?"
my daughter:"Ana's sister"
Me:"To who? Ana?"
Daughter:"ye-ah"
me:"About you?"
daughter:"yes and I didn't like that"
Me:(silently sobbing inside and trying to hide it)"hmmm I wouldn't like that at all either that would make me feel kind of bad I think. Did you say anything or did you just feel bad?"
daughter:"I just felt bad and then Ana didn't play on the bars."
Me:"Well, I am so happy you made some friends and had so much fun with them today. I am sorry that Ana's sister said that It's sad that she doesn't know that there are all kinds of different people and it is soo much fun to play with lots of different kinds of kids."
Daughter: "yeah I know. Can I have some juice."

And she then went on to tell me about the school lunch.

I was heartbroken and so hurt for her, but didn't want to make too big of deal of it to her as I didn't want her to break her innocence any more than that child had already done. What I mean is I didn't want to blow the incident up any more than what it was to her. I wanted to validate her and let her talk about how that made her feel and what she thought about it, but not influence her perceptions to make her feel even more self-concious than the she already did from that comment.

I did call the teacher to ask if I could come in before school to visit about a concern. She returned my call promptly and said "why wait till morning if it's bothering you now. What's going on?" I retold what my daughter had said and what my response was. The teacher gasped when I repeated Ana's sister's comment. She was shocked as she said she had had Ana's sister(Sam) last year and they had done so many multi-cultrual appreciation activites and discussions and studies of various cultures. She then told me that Ana's family is going through some hard times and that she coudl be wrong, but she believes Ana's father is Mexican as well!!! She said she would talk with Sam right away in the a.m. as she had a good repoire with her. I reiterated that I didn't want to make a big deal about it and blow it up more in the children's eyes. She agreed and said she would just question Sam as to what she meant and why she would say that and explain that those comments hurt people's feelings. Both of us agreed it was hard to imagine a first grader actually making that kind of comment and actually fully realizing what they are saying (she was propbably repeating some one else's comment.) I know children recognize differences in people and I have experienced this first hand. But I have never heard a child that young attribute value to one nationality/skin color/ race/culture. I was happy with the teacher's response. But, my heart still aches for my baby girl. I was just telling my hubby the other day about how it seems like just yesterday I was rocking that 5lb tiny infant and tearing up thinking about some day sending her off to school and how she would someday come home crying because someone would hurt her feelings. And now we are already sending her off. I just didn't expect the hurt feelings to happen on the second day and be soooo shockingly disturbing!!! I just feel bad that we had to encounter this already. I want her to get to be little child who feels strong a confident and innocently blind to the cruelties that happen when adults cannot get past our differences. I am just feeling so sad....do you all think I responded correctly?? Has anyone else experienced this and do you think I should have more of a conversation with her about it if she does not bring it up?? I have sooo many things I want to tell her, but I do not want her to be overwhelmed.
http://i222.photobucket.com/albums/dd31/sarahflores25/2007immigration059.jpg
http://i222.photobucket.com/albums/dd31/sarahflores25/june07018.jpg
http://i222.photobucket.com/albums/dd31/sarahflores25/wedding6-07020.jpg

[nsoto]

That is sad. I would hope that children wouldn't know of racism so young. That is a horrible thing to say. I"m really sorry. My son is starting Kindergarden next year, and I"m concerned about him as well as far a making friends and being comfortable..

Hang in there. It's heartbreaking, but your daughter sounds like she handled it really well. You did the right thing about calling the teacher. I would have done the same.

[djones9714]

I am so sorry your daughter had to go through this. However, it will not end and unfortunately you will have to be the one to teach your daughter the right and wrong way since other parents don't. I am saying this because I have been through the exact same thing. My kids are bi-racial and they are stronger because of this -- however, this strongness only came after lots of hurt from other people -- including family members. I wish I could say racism will go away but it never will.

I would sit and talk to my children about this all the time -- discrimination for one reason or another. As I told my kids, there is always someone who is out there who is not going to like you -- wrong skin color, wrong hair color, they don't like your clothes.

I am a U.S. citizen with red hair. I remember when I was in school, red hair was "unnatural" and everyone called me "woody wood-pecker." It hurt and it hurt a lot.

My daughter had a terrible episode when she was about 13 and made up excuses for not wanting to go to school for 3 days (had a tummy ache) until I questioned her. Come to find out, there was a girl that was making fun of my daughter (because her hair was so thick) and when she told me about it, I called the girl's mother and had a discussion with her. The details of the discussion were: the girl lived with her grandmother because her mother did not want her, the girl was bi-racial (same as my daughter). I could not figure out what the problem was then! As I explained to my daughter, people that are going through rough times will always try to hide their problems and feelings and make themselves feel better by offending someone else.

What a cruel world!!!!!!!

[slvjvm922000]

That is so sad. I went through it with my son in his preschool class but my son is so loving and caring he didnt care what they said he didnt even tell me. I had to find out from a friend that i worked with because it was her neighbors daughter. Her neighbor one day said that the daughter was in preschool and she was aloud to play with everyone except for the little mexican boy. my friend asked her neighbor what school and class her daughter went to and the neighbor told her my friend said oh is the little boys name jose and she said yes my friend flew off the handle and told her neighbor that little boy is american and mexican that his mother is white and his father is mexican and there is nothing wrong with him she was so mad when she told me what happened. So i informed the teacher what was going on why the girl is not aloud to play with my son and she said that is really aweful that parents have to teach there children racism. It drives me crazy all 4 of my children are american and mexican. I hate to see that they have to go thru this racism. but unfortunitly it will never stop.

[ladyb082]

OMG I cannot believe your stories that is so cruel. I don't know what I would of done. Now I'm a little worried about sending my babies to school when we go back to the states, I don't want them to put up with this, all I know is that I'll be pretty pist off. I'm sorry that this happen to your daughter tell her that she is beautiful because of what she is.

slvjvm922000 if that would of happend to me that "lady" would of heard me lound and clear, who the hell does she think she is,.:angry::curse: Gosh this pisses me off. Ignorant people.

[Paige]

Your daughter is so beautiful. I think you had a very good response. You validated her feelings without making a really big deal out of it and without letting her see how upset you were. I think you did very well. Tears are running down my face now though, just thinking about the situation and how you must have felt and knowing that my beautiful little 2 year old daughter will probably somtime experience the same type of thing. We need to ask God for much wisdom to respond correctly in these situations. We definitely don't want to teach our children to respond hatefully in return.

[madrika]

That is so sad and your daughter is so beautiful! The only place these kids are hearing these things is from their parents.

Makes me want to tell a story.
My sister has 2 girls that are half Mexican like my little guy. Anyway....they have a friend that comes over to play a lot (he doesn't come around much anymore), but he used to. He was over at their house. (Let me mention my sister is not with their father anymore and is in Mexico) My niece said "I miss my daddy" and their friend said "WHY?" She said, "because he is my daddy and I love him" The little boy said "Well I never liked your daddy when he was here!" My niece said "WHY??" He said, "because he's Mexican and nobody likes Mexicans." My sister came in and said "now what did you just say?" he repeated himself and my sister said "well, these 2 little girls are both part Mexican" and he said "ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I LIKE 2 LITTLE MEXICAN GIRLS...that is CRAZY!"
This little boy is 6 YEARS OLD! It made me SOOOOOO mad!!!!!!!!! 1st of all what right do parents have to teach their children these things! My mother is racist I will admit it, but we were not raised that way. My father I think had part in that! But the fact that he referred to HER FATHER means that his parents had to have specifically mentioned HER FATHER in front of their son as being "MEXICAN"!!!! I told my sister what did you do? She said nothing they continued to play! I said, "I would have called his mother and had a talk with her...calmy...and ask her to come over so they could all sit down and talk"

[slubberry]

My son had his first 2 days in Kindergarten and it was interesting to say the least.

After the first day, when I asked him if he met any new friends, he gave me some names then also said "a Chinese girl." When I asked him her name, he didn't know her name and said that the other kids called her the Chinese girl.

The next day, school was dismissed early because of a bomb threat and he said it was the stupid Arabs' fault. When I asked him where he heard that, he said he heard a woman at school say that.

The irony in this is that he is of mixed descent, Asian/Morrocan, and he falls into both catagories. After making fun of him and hurting his feelings, I got my point across and he promised to learn the girl's name and tell the other kids that they are being stupid. We'll see today what happens.

[aguilar1115]

Two of my babies are "mixed" and three are "white". I hate to even use those words but it seems the only ones available. My oldest son had the same problem..didn't want to go to school..he was getting teased but it was because he is "white". And it was a girl teasing him no less. He got over it but he is so sensitive when people don't like him.

I am "white" but people assume I am Spanish because I have dark hair, kind of tan skin, last name, etc. I was discriminated against by an old old "white" man at the border and detained for three hours because I had an apple in the car from the hotel we stayed at (so I was smuggling...yeah right). He kept asking me was I a legal resident of the US. I am a USC!!!! My kids don't really know about racism and the separations and I don't want them to learn the hard way but like you said..but what do you tell them. How every race doesn't like every other race? It makes my cry to know what all of our children will have to go through and it really doesn't matter what race they are or WHERE they are. It's always something.

[corazoncita]

You handled the situation beautifully!! You didn't make a big deal in front of your daughter, and I think that was definitely a good move. Your girl is absolutely gorgeous... I just bawled when I read your story. I don't know what I'll do when this inevitably happens to my daughter. We already had one run-in (posted somwhere in the Soap Box forum) but I don't know how I will react when my daughter is actually old enough to feel pain caused by the words of others. I can't just go around beating everyone up, so I'm going to have to think of something tactful-- like you did. I am SO sorry this happened to your lil princess...