I do not want to offend anyone but need to vent [Archive]

Sabrina022203

04-17-2008, 04:25 PM

I do not want to offend anyone but this morning on a radio station here in Minnesota (KDWB), they do this program on Thursday called war of the roses where the girlfriend/boyfriend or husband/wife call the radio show and say they suspect their loved one is cheating, so the radio station calls the loved one on the air and says they are from their cell phone company and since they have been a loyal customer they want to send them or a loved one flowers. Then they ask the suspected cheater who they want to send it to and what the card should say. This is how they have busted the cheaters. To me I can usually listen and think how dumb can they be, but today hit home and made me mad. The lady who called in was married to a man from Mexico and she had already caught him cheating two times once while in Mexico and the other time while she was pregnant. You think she would have left them then. She has not trust or faith with him why stay with him? So then she went on to say how he text's in Spanish and she doesn't understand Spanish etc. It made me think what was this girl thinking marrying this man who she can not communicate with, she didn't know the culture which didn't make it any easier for her. He ended up sending the flowers to his wife but then she went on to say she still didn't trust him. Then why is she with him?? They went through the immigration process and that is when he cheated. It is sad to know the process either makes you stronger as a couple or breaks you!!

It made me think how many people are in a marriage or relationship with someone from a different culture and do not understand why things are so different. For example, why do our loved ones feel obligated to send money to Mexico, why do they make a baptism so huge when the child will never remember it, why do they eat tortillas all the time, Why do we eat bread all the time, why do we ask our parents for money and not give the money, I could go on.

Anyway I was upset thinking how blind we can be getting into a relationship with out getting a chance to know the culture and vise versa. They are very different. My BFF is going through this right now. She is in the hospital and has been in and out of there for 3 months having had 2 heart attacks at 31. Her husband is Mexican and she cannot explain to him how she feels or what is going on with her. So when you ask her husband how she is doing he say's sick as always.

I personally am very blessed because my husband is very well adjusted to America but we still celebrate and do many thing's in the Spanish culture! I know if I couldn't speak to my husband I couldn't be with him. I just wanted to say ladies be smart who you choose to be with and make sure the communication is there it is key.

Cfloresgirl

04-17-2008, 04:49 PM

Dorothea

04-17-2008, 04:59 PM

Sabrina, I agree... It just doesn't make sense to me to marry or be with someone whose culture you don't want to understand, incorporate into your lives, or celebrate!
Anway, just my 2 cents...

Laura

04-17-2008, 05:03 PM

Good thoughts Sabrina. I always wonder when I meet other "mixed" couples where either the Mexican man or the white woman (okay that is usually how it is around here anyway) seems really out of touch or completely uninterested in the other's culture.

Don't get me wrong, there are days when my husband's extra-strong attachment to his family annoys me and I am sure there are days when any number of my American white-girl-isms irritate him as well, but we strive to understand and accommodate each other. For me the differences are mostly a joy! I find it a fun adventure to navigate that bi-cultural factor... obviously many people see it as a chore though. What can you do?!

gdalicia

04-17-2008, 05:09 PM

I hear where your coming from.My family is Italian and I would have to say that there are a lot of similarities in mine and my husbands cultures his being Mexican, but I was raised Italian American so there are big differences too. When I met my husband he was more"Americanized" than many of his friends who had been here for a long time too. I got used to ok if I was to make say your average "American" meal of meatloaf,well I expect him to cover it with hot sauce and I will serve him tortillas with it. As far as him sending money home,I just have never had a problem with it. He always takes care of us first before he even thinks about sending money home. I think if we had struggles it would bother me.

When we started this immigration process we did seem closer,but more recently we are at eachothers throat and it's times like these that I feel the cultural differences..meaning the way we deal with stressful issues..

My Mom's side of the family is Italian-American as well and I can totally relate to what you are saying. I think there are a lot of similarities. That being said, there are some things about Mexican culture that drive me crazy. But it's like anything...you take the good with the bad.

My husband once commented (in the middle of an argument before he left for Mexico) that all we did was fight since we started the immigration process. :D It's just so stressful, and it's natural that you will bicker about it.

christytorres

04-17-2008, 05:09 PM

Sabrina..I have a friend who was with this mexican guy..ok..for like 4-5 years..and well she always complained about the mexicans..and how they eat mexican food all the time..and her biggest problem was he sends to much money..my god..his dad will live for ever..he's had so many surgeries..and replacements..she always put the family down..but yet never looked in to what she got herself into..coming to America..is new..just like when we go there..its all new to us..she put him and his family down all the time..and why do they get married at 14..she went on..long story short..he left her..and now she's depressed..and wonder what went wrong..I was told by another friend..that her ex told her..I got tired of her putting down my family..and talking about us Mexicans..and how we live..I put up with it for a long time..I got tired of it..its true..know what you are getting into..before your marry..I do have friends who married Mexican men..and well they went along with what ever..and enjoyed the culture..and learning new things..and learning to speak spanish..

angela256z

04-17-2008, 05:15 PM

That girl should not be with that man.

Many people here know that my husband cheated on me before when we were just BF/GF. We broke up for a few awhile and then decided to work it out. I made a decision that if I was going to try it again that it must start fresh. I have to trust him and he has to prove that to me. If I had anymore doubts on him it would ruin our relationship. Anytime we have a fight I tell myself I can't bring that up as I have left it in our past and our marriage is our future.

This girl needs to make a choice. I mean choosing to send his wife flowers is not the guarantee that nothing is happening, but if she has doubts a radio show is not the place to get your proof. If she still thinks he is being unfaithful and can not learn to trust him she needs to let him go.

When my husband and I broke up because he wanted to be with someone else I moved, change my number, and I had just got a new job so he had no clue where I worked.

He found me somehow. He got the 800 number to my company and got transferred and transferred until he finally got my voicemail. I know that some people would be like that proves nothing, but it was something to me.

That girl should really move on. It sounds like they have a child and that should be no reason to keep a marriage going that is just going to hurt her.

seasun

04-17-2008, 05:26 PM

My boyfriend is from Macedonia and honestly there are a lot of things I dont know about his culture cause he is very much like me we are not really in to customs, we do whatever we like, and we have always been very open minded about it there are things that I dont do that my family does, like lets say its 4th of July, neither me or him are concern about it, basically we are not in to holidays and stuff like that we do our own thing, but maybe he was like that cause he was here but now that he is in his country he just mention theyre celebrating something soon and now I am concern cause when I go there I dont know much about his family traditions cause I really dont do any of mine either, but I do understand them but now I may not understand his, and his family does not speak english or spanish and I dont even know how I am gonna talk to his mom and dad, What if they dont like me? I will not even know and I may say I dont care but I do those are my future in laws, how to communicate with them? He tells me not to worry but I do, I only know Hi and By and maybe where is the bathroom? And another thing I am a little older than him and divorce and three kids, I wonder what they really think, he says they dont get in his business but still I am worried. They saw me on video and heard me talk and stuff and he says they cant wait to meet me in person and that what he tells them they see I am a wonderful person but still I am scared...
and they say they are happy for him they seem to be very nice people but I wish I could learn theyre language I am gonna try I hope two months is enoug..wish me luck!!

seasun

04-17-2008, 05:32 PM

One thing I forgot to mention is that in his culture they always drink and party and I love that, and I do listen to his music too and he loves mine, he learned to dance bachata, reggeton, merengue we dance to everything, we are good toguether I miss him so much, and I am gonna do everything I can to learn his language cause he even speaks pretty good spanish, and when my mom came to visit he talked to her in spanish He sounds so qiut, I love him so much I reallly hope everything works for us...

chikaprada

04-17-2008, 06:15 PM

I am replying to the "why-is-she-with-the-guy-if-she-doesn't-trust-him??" part. I personally don't see the point of being with someone who I don't trust. Since I consider trust one of the main pillars to have a strong relationship. To have in the back of your mind "is he cheating on me" "will he cheat on me again" all of the time is just annoying, and not worth at all. I told my now fiance that if he were to cheat on me there's no "let's work it out" because I won't ever trust him again, ever.

As for the culture part...well if we all were the same it would be too boring, wouldn't it?

Cfloresgirl

04-17-2008, 07:13 PM

As for the culture part...well if we all were the same it would be too boring, wouldn't it?

That is EXACTLY how I feel about it!

jeannie

04-17-2008, 07:19 PM

Even though I come from a Mexican family, I was born and raised here. The biggest culture problem we have is FOOD! He loves home cooked meals. He won't eat anything that is from the microwave. Even when it is really late and we just want a quick meal he will still cook some eggs a la mexicana. Because his mom always cooked for the family.let me tell you he is a really good cook.When I am feeling lazy I will eat some cereal or something. He won't. That is the biggest difference we have.
The reason this is a problem is we need to eat 3 times a day, and we can never agree.
The always sending money part, is really bad. His mom is now in the process of building a new bathroom and we have to pay for it. Even though we never agreed.
We live on one income, but we are rich ,Right?
And it seems like every month mom is always breaking something and she needs money!

DosEnamorados

04-17-2008, 07:19 PM

O.k. guys, I tried to stay out of this conversation because it really makes me mad, but here it goes.

I totally agree. If you don’t understand the culture and aren’t wiling to understand it then don’t marry some one from a different culture. (in this case Mexicans)

About the part of “loved ones feel obligated to send money to Mexico”.

That is because (at least that is the situation for most people I know) the main purpose of moving to the US. Was to come to work and help their family in Mexico……. Why many reasons… main one they were so poor in Mexico and so if they can change that future for their parents or family members they will.

A lot of us are writing that poverty, economy and not being able to find a job in Mexico part in our HSL. So maybe the answer is right there.

But again it all goes back to the culture part and how much you truly relate or understand it.

Sabrina022203

04-17-2008, 07:34 PM

As for the culture part...well if we all were the same it would be too boring, wouldn't it?[/QUOTE]

I agree with this but it will take learning each other's culture and language, to make it work. I just don't understand how people can be with someone if they do not understand each other and the culture? We all have made a sacarfice in our relationships and that is what makes them work. I know to many people who have been in this situation and now since I have my bf going through some serious things she can not even explain to her husband has her own family questioning how they make it work. How can you I had to learn many things. My husband is one of the guys who does send money to mom and dad, I use to get upset because I didn't understand but after I went to visit his pueblo I knew why and it was an eye opener for me and even for my hubby. Now I feel good when we send money which is every two weeks!

Us all going through this immigration process need to understand that communication is very important and if it is not good now it will not be good when the loved one gets back. Try to make the best of it and understand the cultures. I have learned so much. I was so shocked when I went to my husband's town and saw some of the guys that were here in MN. The reason I was so shocked was because here they were messing around with many different woman and even some of my friends and they would always say they were not married, but when I saw them they were like Sabrina this is my wife and kid. :wha: please don't say anything about what I did in the US... All I could think of is how blind we are as woman!

Autumnstarr71

04-17-2008, 09:13 PM

Okay well when I met my husband I knew nothing of his mexican culture. He spoke english so I did not have to know a word of spanish and that is just how it was, after 9 yrs you wouldnt believe how much we have learned from each other. Yes I do have regrets, one my twin daughters do not know much spanish and wish we would have done that differently. When I met him I did not look at his color or nationality I just fell in love almost instantly. That is my new motto, Love sees no color no nationality it just happens.

lisa7078

04-17-2008, 09:31 PM

I listen to the war of the roses on KDWB and I heard the same thing this morning. I feel the same way. I sit and think how can you stay with someone you don't trust. I'm just glad my husband and I have great communication and trust for each other.

Kikigurl1

04-17-2008, 09:48 PM

I definitely cannot stay with someone I don't trust... hence the reason I left that other moron I was with before Rocael. Thank God though, seriously.

I have definitely already made sacrifices already in a way for Rocael... seeing as how he doesn't speak much English, it has forced me to learn Spanish and WOW what a benefit it has been! (He's slowlllly learning English too... but he "doesn't have time".. ha.. he'd just rather watch his novelas in the time he does have :) ) But as far as being interested in the culture... I can't tell you how much of my time spent here at work is spent researching Guatemala and the city he's from, and looking for information on Mam (his fam's language) I find some pretty interesting stuff :D

Oh and he also sends money home to the family even when he doesn't have much, but I've seen pictures of their home and he tells me about how life is over there and I understand it and support him in whatever he decides to do. Once we're married though I hope he does it after our bills are taken care of.

And for those readers who don't really know or care about your husband's/wife's culture... take a dive and learn! It really is amazing and a great way to occupy time and sometimes.. even a pleasant shocker to your loved one!!

mymexicanman

04-18-2008, 01:35 AM

gringoenterprises

04-18-2008, 03:11 AM

i care about my husbands culture. I am european and there are many foreigners even mexicans.... but to tell u all the truth i have NOT yet met one mexican that cares about any other culture then theirs...
You could well be right but there are a lot of factors involved that you aren't taking into consideration. You can't fault someone for holding on to something that is part of them. I admire the Mexican people for holding onto their language and culture. I wish my great grandparents felt the same when they came from Germany in 1886. They let go of everything that made them German. That part of my family's culture is gone. Europe is an ocean away but Mexico is very close and accessible to most. Also most of the generation that is born here embraces American culture while holding on to being Mexican. I see it in my nieces and nephews all the time. When I married my wife I accepted here as she was, her language and her culture as she has accepted mine. I know Spanish well enough to get along in most situations and she knows English equally as well. We chuckle when we go to dances and I am the only guy there with blue eyes. Sure we have small issues from time to time. But you know what I wouldn't change anything about it.:thumbup:

Kikigurl1

04-18-2008, 03:20 AM

We chuckle when we go to dances and I am the only guy there with blue eyes.

Hahaha I know exactly how that is.... I bet you get lots of stares too huh :D When I go to stuff like that and i'm the only one there with light skin and blue eyes... women and men alike all stare.

losguerra

04-18-2008, 04:13 AM

I also can't understand how people can get into a marriage with someone from a different culture without demonstrating a desire to learn their language, customs, and values. Unfortunately, when a person chooses to consider their SO's culture "not important" or "not a big deal", they also are expecting their SO to adapt completely to their own. In reality, a balanced equation involves both people sacrificing a lot to make the other's culture their own. I also think if there's one part of a person's culture that attracts you, then you've got to be willing to accept the whole of it, good and bad. Sometimes this is hard for me...

i care about my husbands culture. I am european and there are many foreigners even mexicans.... but to tell u all the truth i have NOT yet met one mexican that cares about any other culture then theirs...
Well, I hope someday you can meet my husband so you can think differently. He takes pride in his Mexican culture, but he LOVES other cultures. He knows all these Albanian and Bulgarian traditions, has close friends from Kenya, Norway, and Vietnam, etc. He speaks Italian and Catalán conversationally. Most importantly, he respects and tries hard to learn about the Italian-American and Guatemalan parts of my heritage. I guess that makes him not normal, but he's also Mexican.

Glühbirne

04-18-2008, 04:54 AM

I think most people bring a lot of unrealistic expectations into marriage, period. Coming from two different cultual backgrounds adds another obstacle to an already difficult social institution.

Every marriage has it's difficulties, and in our cases, one of those happens to be culture.

Someone's culture is an important facet of who they are...... you can't understand the whole person without learning about thier culture. I can't imagine how Mr. G would be able to understand me at all without attempting to understand my culture. And he does. He tries just as hard as I try to understand his.

I can't become a Mexican women and he knows that, he knew it when me married me. I know that he will never be the all-American boy and I wouldn't want that anyway, because that's not him. I want who he is. I take him as is.

IBMMuseum

04-18-2008, 06:15 AM

Another fabulous topic on I2US!...

Because I have been a New Mexico native the jump to understanding my Mexican family's culture hasn't been too much of a jump for me. In fact I say that transformations that other areas in the United States are trying to force on the country as a whole would change MY culture. If someone wants everyone around them to speak only English, change the laws in their own state, not mine.

I'm also hit with the irony that often only I will listen to a local Spanish radio station while other members of the family change to an English broadcast. Yes, I sometimes worry that my family will "Americanize" too quickly, as I see other local Hispanic families that don't know Spanish. Hopefully we can blend and remember both successfully.

From a Mexican aspect those that lose their culture even has a (in some cases, said harshly) term: Pocho (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocho)...

Emily

04-18-2008, 08:02 AM

Like most have said, a couple must be tolerant to eachothers culture in order for there to be a happy and cohesive partnership.

Communication is one of the most important parts of a marriage. If there are language barriers then there will be problems from the get go. One thing I do not think too many Americans think about is just how hard our langauge is to learn. We're talking a language that is made up from literly hundreds of other languages! A large portion of American English is comming from latin America so it's not surprising just how easy learning Spanish is for us Americans, but it can be pretty intensive for a immigrants to pick up on our language.

anyways I got off subject a little there.

I think cultural tolerance plays a heavy role in a happy marriage. If you do not respect your partners heritage then you do not respect your partner!

Dorothea

04-18-2008, 12:15 PM

From a Mexican aspect those that lose their culture even has a (in some cases, said harshly) term: Pocho (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pocho)...

That's interesting, never heard "pocho" before!

dnatej

04-18-2008, 12:49 PM

Ok....well here is my 2cents: I think that yes if we were ALL the same it would be a boring world, but the important part is not being of the SAME culture but in WANTING to try to learn and "somewhat" understand the culture your partner is from. OHhhhh and my hubby accepts other cultures very well and he is a PROUD MEXICAN! Even though I am a Mexican American, my bro and I have been brought up very Americanized (as my family would say), we just embrace the culture so well, and that makes my hubby and I have a lot of differences, but he understands that we are not the same in the way that we were brought up, and I understand where he comes from. I couldnt see myself "dissin" things he does diff, just b/c I am not used to doing them, and same goes for him. And about the $ issue, well someone said it very well, most of them came in order to help their families! My hubby came w/the purpose to catch up w/me, and of course to send his family money! Of course, when we got married he started sending A LOT less, not b/c I told him to, or wanted him to, but b/c he knew he had responsibilities as my husband, and since he was the only one working at the time, we saved where we could. But I also didnt want him to cut his mom off completely either, so we would send her a SMALLER amount of money 2x a month (atleast enough to be able to buy groceries). My parents (also very americanized) would constantly remind me that helping their parents is part of the culture, so when we finally got married I was completely ok with it! And when we have time and a lil money, we go to the thrift store and fill it up w/clothes and shoes for the younger inlaws and ship them off a box full of stuff! Their happiness when they get that stuff is PRICELESS!

chilanga

04-18-2008, 04:32 PM

i care about my husbands culture. I am european and there are many foreigners even mexicans.... but to tell u all the truth i have NOT yet met one mexican that cares about any other culture then theirs...

My husband spent Thanksgiving at my parents place. My mom put him to work in the kitchen rolling out and turning lefse on the grill. He thought that 'us Norwegians' were pretty weird for putting sugar on our 'tortillas' until he tried it. Now he's a convert!

On a more serious note, my husband puts aside the 'machismo' culture that he was raised in to be very supportive of my career. Even though that means that I make more money than he does, I have to travel out of town on business and he's home with the kids during that time, and he doesn't belittle me for not cooking every single night of the week and keeping the house immaculately clean. He helps with the cleaning, and although he's most definately not a cook, it's cute to see him come into the kitchen to help out by flipping the tortillas on the comal (saying ouch, ouch, ouch the whole time as he's burning his fingers!).

gdalicia

04-18-2008, 06:16 PM

My husband spent Thanksgiving at my parents place. My mom put him to work in the kitchen rolling out and turning lefse on the grill. He thought that 'us Norwegians' were pretty weird for putting sugar on our 'tortillas' until he tried it. Now he's a convert!

On a more serious note, my husband puts aside the 'machismo' culture that he was raised in to be very supportive of my career. Even though that means that I make more money than he does, I have to travel out of town on business and he's home with the kids during that time, and he doesn't belittle me for not cooking every single night of the week and keeping the house immaculately clean. He helps with the cleaning, and although he's most definately not a cook, it's cute to see him come into the kitchen to help out by flipping the tortillas on the comal (saying ouch, ouch, ouch the whole time as he's burning his fingers!).

LOL this sounds a lot like my hubby. Although he is not into cooking (except for grilling meat), he helps out by washing the dishes, taking out the trash, vacuuming, etc. If you were to meet him you would probably think that he is really macho, but in reality nothing could be further from the truth. It's interesting because he comes from the traditional Mexican family where Dad worked and Mom stayed home and took care of the kids. He never had chores, never helped out with dishes, nada.

Anyway, it's definitely important for both people in a cross cultural relationship to realize that they are going to have to compromise. But isn't that just the way marriage is anyway? You can be married to someone from the same culture and still have a ton of differences based on personality and the way you were raised.

ce&ll

04-18-2008, 07:42 PM

Interesting topic!

I'm Mexican-American, and my dad is actually from Mexico but being born and raised here in the U.S. still makes my husband and I very different on some issues but I would say that my husband has adapted to many American customs/traditions. He don't mind eating fast food but also loves the traditional surprises I prepare, he's willing to try new things and visiting new places. He thinks it's great that I work and focus on my career (even after the baby is born). I have even polluted his mind a little with shopping and brand names :wink: So, I can say that I'm blessed with my Mexicano!

dnatej

04-18-2008, 07:44 PM

Emily

04-18-2008, 11:15 PM

My husband spent Thanksgiving at my parents place. My mom put him to work in the kitchen rolling out and turning lefse on the grill. He thought that 'us Norwegians' were pretty weird for putting sugar on our 'tortillas' until he tried it. Now he's a convert!

On a more serious note, my husband puts aside the 'machismo' culture that he was raised in to be very supportive of my career. Even though that means that I make more money than he does, I have to travel out of town on business and he's home with the kids during that time, and he doesn't belittle me for not cooking every single night of the week and keeping the house immaculately clean. He helps with the cleaning, and although he's most definately not a cook, it's cute to see him come into the kitchen to help out by flipping the tortillas on the comal (saying ouch, ouch, ouch the whole time as he's burning his fingers!).

My family also eats Lefse, my husband thinks it tastes horrible, lol! My family is of German, Norwegian, and Native American on both my moms and dads side. My husband has been really respectful of our customs, and our strange food preference (strange to him). How funny I can toltally see his face when you guys were pouring sugar onto your tortillas, lolllll! I like mine with butter;) I will say though that my husband about lost it when grammy brought out the blood pudding; me to:(

jveli

04-19-2008, 02:55 PM

While I agree that communication is a key to a good relationship, I am not sure it has to be a situation where one or the other person does so with 100% fluency in the other's language. As far as the person who is sick...that couple could use a hospital translator...they are not there just for when the Spanish speaking person has a doctors appt. Yes, fully understanding or being fluent in the others language makes things easier, but I think the important part is that you try to communicate.

Sabrina, you had posted, "I know if I couldn't speak to my husband I couldn't be with him. I just wanted to say ladies be smart who you choose to be with and make sure the communication is there it is key."

My husband is Dominican. His English skills are not the best, even after being in this country for 19 years. He says that he never really had time to learn because he was always working....and since he lived and worked in the Spanish enclaves of NYC it didn't seem all too necessary to him.

I am Puerto Rican-American, and I never grew up around my culture/heritage/language, so my Spanish skills are definitely not the best.

I met my husband at the barbero. I had brought my boys there for haircuts that were not the standard crappy "Cost Cutters" job. Anyhoo...it was quite obvious to me when we met that communication would be an issue...I could barely make out his English due to his accent and mis-use of words...and I realize now in hindsight that I my English was an issue for him when we first met/dated....

BUT it was his actions that day and since that spoke to me more than his lack of English skills. He sat and TALKED WITH ME, not at me. He interacted with my children that day, he did not ignore them. He did not brag about himself, or act all funny like he was trying to impress me. I think he could tell I was nervous not use to the environment (nothing like being the ONLY woman in the damn barbero where you are the only person fluent in English...LOL!) He did NOT try to be the papi chulo and pick me up. When it was time for me to leave, he did not ask for MY number...he gave me HIS. And when I was stuck in my parallel spot in front of the barbero because some jerk squeezed his motorcycle in behind me...he GAVE UP his spot in the line to come out and help me get out of the parking spot...and for anyone of you who have sat and waited at the barbero...you know what kind of sacrifice that is.

To this day, we have issues at times with completely understanding each other 100%. And we are opposites in many ways. But we have also developed our own little ways. I understand his "tonto English" just like he understands my "tonto Spanish"...and if there are times when I REALLY need to get a thought/meaning/context across...that I could not do on my own or with the Spanish dictionary...I go to someone in my family for help...if it is that important.