Now the whole family's mad at me...

[brezarenee]

My husband's cousin asked us to lend him money to pay a coyote to cross his girlfriend. I refused, because even though it's family, I don't want to have anything to do with illegal activity. I'll be welcoming and surely help with language and cultural stuff when she arrives as I do with the rest of the family, but want nothing to do with the actual crossing. The cousin got really upset because in his mind my husband owes him the favor, and went and told the whole family (very tight-knit extended family who all live next door to one another) that I think I'm too good for the family. My husband was actually talking to my MIL last night and she didn't know she was on speaker phone and started saying how everyone there now thinks I'm "presumida, egoista, and no quiere ayudar a lo demas familia". I've always known that they think I'm rich and spoiled, etc., but I have always sacrificed an enormous amount of myself for the entire family, so these words really hurt.
For one thing, we don't even have the extra money for this right now. But moreover, is it right that I should be obligated by the family to help with illegal behavior? Now I'm a bad person because I didn't want to help someone to break my countries laws. :dontgetit:

[Dorothea]

I'm sorry... what a bad feeling.
I hope your husband stood up for you and said he agreed with your decision.
If I had money I would let my husband's family use money when they needed, but I agree that I wouldn't want it to go towards crossing the border illegally. Try not to worry what they are saying... it's so frustrating, but they are not going to understand where you're coming from...

[JustMe]

I am so sorry but you are absolutely right. Don't do anything illegal this can backfire on you.

[brezarenee]

I am so sorry but you are absolutely right. Don't do anything illegal this can backfire on you.

I know, right? I kind of feel like a hypocrite putting my foot down on this since I am after all married to my undocumented husband! I told one of my friends about the situation and she was actually surprised that I wouldn't just lend them the money. She figured since I was married to my husband, that I wouldn't have any problem with it. It's an awkward stuck between a rock and a brick wall type position.

[mouse7r]

I think if it was me I would lend his parents the money.. and make it clear its just a loan to the family and that you dont want to know how they use it... I know you already kind of know... but I think I just wouldnt want to know anymore if that makes sense? That they not even discuss this with you again?! On the other hand I can understand you not wanting to do it at all... it is illegal!! But its hard when you are dealing with family.... What ever you decide to do will be the right thing! Dont beat yourself up about it too much!

[carlosalica]

I'm not saying you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I just wanted to put it in their prospective: Did your husbands cousin or family help him to come here?? If so maybe that is why they're mad. I guess in my husbands family that is how it is, when someone comes, everyone pitches in with everything, money, food, time to find a job, everything. So I know if my husband couldn't or didn't help someone everyone would talk bad sayig oh what now he has his papers (or whatever) and he's too good to help us, doesn't he remember who helped him.
Again I'm not saying what you're doing is bad, you should stick up for the way you feel. I just wanted to share my experiences.

[IBMMuseum]

My husband's cousin asked us to lend him money to pay a coyote to cross his girlfriend...

Beside the legal point raised this is also very dangerous right now. Show him the stories about how common things like rape and ransom are for the women crossing in this way. If he truly loves her I don't see why he would put her through that.

[Cfloresgirl]

I understand where your coming from.If anything I would think you of all people have seen what a struggle anyone coming here illegally is facing.I know personally I had no clue until I married my hubby.So maybe you can use that in your answer as to why your against supporting the money for the "coyote".I know it's tough when it comes to the inlaws...

[brezarenee]

Beside the legal point raised this is also very dangerous right now. Show him the stories about how common things like rape and ransom are for the women crossing in this way. If he truly loves her I don't see why he would put her through that.

I've been making that point to him for a few weeks now. That really is a factor for me too...it frightens me that anything would happen to her. The cousin claims that he's found a more expensive coyote that can guarantee her safety. Well, I call b.s. on that one - no such thing as a coyote who can guarantee safety. Anyway, I kept expressing my fear. The cousin got upset at me for thinking negatively and told me that I need to have more faith that god and la virgen will protect her and make sure nothing will happen to her. When he took it there, there was nothing I could say, I already knew his mind was made up.

[J3NNI]

Hey if you dont have the money they will understand later, when he gets out here and realizes how much it costs to live then he will understand,plus if he gets caught and they track the money back to you two that would be bad. Its ok we have to be resonsable and help our husbands put their foot down when it comes to these kinds of things.

[brezarenee]

I'm not saying you're doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I just wanted to put it in their prospective: Did your husbands cousin or family help him to come here?? If so maybe that is why they're mad. I guess in my husbands family that is how it is, when someone comes, everyone pitches in with everything, money, food, time to find a job, everything. So I know if my husband couldn't or didn't help someone everyone would talk bad sayig oh what now he has his papers (or whatever) and he's too good to help us, doesn't he remember who helped him.
Again I'm not saying what you're doing is bad, you should stick up for the way you feel. I just wanted to share my experiences.


Right. This is definitely why I feel somewhat guilty here. It is a family where everyone helps each other, and the cousin has helped us a lot. On the other end, I have helped him a ton too (I'm the only one in the family who speaks English and is from here so knows the system), so I don't feel like he should be able to say we owe him.

I'm also at the point where I'm worried about having the whole extended family rely on us financially. There are already 2 other cousins in line to come here that have hinted that they'd like us to help them out. I want to help the family out as much as possible, but my husband has like 30 cousins who all come to us to send money as padrinos for birthdays and what not and I feel like we need to put a line in the sand somewhere. It's difficult, because I feel like the help we give to the immediate family is already stretching us thin...

[carlosalica]

Right. This is definitely why I feel somewhat guilty here. It is a family where everyone helps each other, and the cousin has helped us a lot. On the other end, I have helped him a ton too (I'm the only one in the family who speaks English and is from here so knows the system), so I don't feel like he should be able to say we owe him.

I'm also at the point where I'm worried about having the whole extended family rely on us financially. There are already 2 other cousins in line to come here that have hinted that they'd like us to help them out. I want to help the family out as much as possible, but my husband has like 30 cousins who all come to us to send money as padrinos for birthdays and what not and I feel like we need to put a line in the sand somewhere. It's difficult, because I feel like the help we give to the immediate family is already stretching us thin...

Oh I understand that! It is very hard to draw that line, and if you do, you're bad people. My BIL and his wife dont' exactly ask for money, but like you said, my husband and I are the only ones who speak english so it's oh will you go here and translate or go to the store and buy me this.. the list goes on.. but yet when you draw that line, than you're the bad person. SO what I have done is anything I think that my BIL is putting off on me (example, take his wife to the laundrmat when I KNOW he has time, just he doesn't WANT to) than I won't do it. I make up some excuse or something. One time they even went so far to ask if my mom (single, buying her own house ,car, etc.) would lend them money to buy a car because they didn't want to pay interest in the bank. I straight out said no, the rest of us have to pay interest. Of course I could have made some excuse but I thought maybe they would get the point from that.
Anyway your situation is a tough one, like you said there is nothing you can say to change his mind even with the great risks involved. Good luck trying to find the line, then drawing it LOL! Just don't worry if it's anything like our case they'll be mad until they need something again, which won't be too long.

[mouse7r]

If your the 'go to' couple, I can realllly understand why this is something you dont want to do, a one time thing is one thing.. but to know that theres more to come, I would want to draw that line pretty damn quick!! We have similar issues with hubbies family, his dad wont drive any where in case he gets pulled over, SO he makes my hubby do all the driving.. how does that make sense? When his daughter was in labor, about to have her baby, he didnt drive her to the hospital, he called my hubby who had been working all day and was 45mins away... so I went... anyhow familys who take advantage of you need to be stopped b4 they overwhelm you completely :)

[brezarenee]

If your the 'go to' couple, I can realllly understand why this is something you dont want to do, a one time thing is one thing.. but to know that theres more to come, I would want to draw that line pretty damn quick!! We have similar issues with hubbies family, his dad wont drive any where in case he gets pulled over, SO he makes my hubby do all the driving.. how does that make sense? When his daughter was in labor, about to have her baby, he didnt drive her to the hospital, he called my hubby who had been working all day and was 45mins away... so I went... anyhow familys who take advantage of you need to be stopped b4 they overwhelm you completely :)

So true! I don't want to be the 'go to' couple for the entire family!! One of my hubby's cousins is dating a USC right now, and I've got my fingers crossed that it will work out between them so that they can take some of the burden off of our shoulders - lol!

BTW love the new pic mouse! :)

[mouse7r]

Thank you :D

Ill keep my fingers crossed that your hubbies cousins relationship works out :) hehe

[ujcdv]

And here I thought I was the only bad guy in my family.

When my wife and I got married, I found out she was always helping out her "family" you know extended cousins and aunts and uncles. Because she speaks, reads and writes english.

Translations, Drivers licenses, co-signing car loans, grocery's, errands, money, you name it.

That all stopped after we got married. I told her, your parents, your bother and family, your sister and family. That's it, nobody else. No mas! We cannot afford to help everybody.

Funny how they all just went away after that, not one of the extended family has even called her to see how she is doing. Her sister told me they are all fake anyway and only care about them selves,

I guess my point is, it's ok to be the bad guy once in a while when you know your being used.

[ccdc]

I to am in that position because I work in a Drs office they think I make alot. My husband was talking to his Grandfather last night who is in Mexico and he told my husband why did you not send your dad some money so that he can come? My husband said he felt so bad but just told his grandfather that hey she is the only one working and we don't have any extra money plus I am trying to become legal so I just have to save as much as I can. Now his dad has a GC and should have saved money is the way I look at it I told my husband they can think what they want I donot care anymore I am just tired of them always making us feel bad because we are in the USA.

[carlosalica]

It is a true fact (LOL) that in Mexico many believe we all (USC's) have money trees in the backyard, and we can go pick us some money anytime we want! jk

[brezarenee]

It is a true fact (LOL) that in Mexico many believe we all (USC's) have money trees in the backyard, and we can go pick us some money anytime we want! jk

I'm just waiting for my money tree to take hold. The darn thing won't grow....

[Cfloresgirl]

I'm just waiting for my money tree to take hold. The darn thing won't grow....

LOL..mine won't either!

[jsierra1982]

It is a true fact (LOL) that in Mexico many believe we all (USC's) have money trees in the backyard, and we can go pick us some money anytime we want! jk

OH my goodness, yes! my in-laws think i am rich...i'm a teacher. i do ok, but i'm by no means rich. i think they were a little surprised when my mom sent them some pictures of the house in NJ where i grew up and it wasn't a mansion!

[AGJB]

Joining this chat late, but as the "go to person" for my husband's family for the past several years ...here are my two cents...

I have done it all...registered other folks cars under my name. I have priced out and booked flights, I have been everyone's personal chauffer. If they have problems with a parking ticket, apartment plumming, some one is in jail or anything else you can possibly imagine. I've had every single questions addressed to me - "We have family coming to town, can you get us info so that we can go to Disneyland..."

The truth of the matter is it's a lot of work!

Grant it - It can have it's rewards, there are lots of people who are eternally greatful to us. They'll remember to this day that my hubbie and I helped them get on their feet when they first arrived here years ago. And tell others about their first time going to the mall and how hubbie bought them a pair of sneakers etc.

I think it's very important that you do draw the line somewhere b/c I've learned that the fact that you've been a "Yes ma'am!" means nothing the moment you say "no" to one of their requests. At that point you are no longer good people.

If you know that there are more lined up then - I think I'd decide now - one way or the other. Like bite the bullet now. Maybe a small contribution will get them off your back??

Luckily for me my brother-in-laws have married women born here so that now aliviates some of the burden. Also
I have found that saying "No" at times has helped them empower themselves to figure it out on their own.

Good luck with your decision and sorry for the long post. Hope it makes sense...

Luckily for me my brother-in-laws have married women born here so that now aliviates some of the burden.

[brezarenee]

If you know that there are more lined up then - I think I'd decide now - one way or the other. Like bite the bullet now. Maybe a small contribution will get them off your back??




Geesh. Money sure is a pain! Luckily this request is just for a loan that the cousin will be able to pay off within a month. So we're not actually expected to contribute, just lend.

The contribution/money tree is another issue all together with all of the rest of the family who are in Mexico. I have a really hard time figuring out where to draw the line because if it were up to my husband, there would be no line! I'm just not a big fan of handouts because it's not a long-term solution (teach a man to fish....). We've been trying to brainstorm some sort of business we could set up for my MIL so that she is not completely dependent on us. After all she is a 46 year old, perfectly healthy woman! We're also trying to gently nudge everyone out of our house. We plan on moving into our house in Mexico this July, but currently there aren't any spare rooms because mom, grandma, and both of my hubby's siblings and their families live there. :gaah: What really gets me is that the sibs aren't very grateful about us letting them live in the house without paying any sort of rent. BIL has even told me that in Mexican culture it's a duty for us to let them live there, and only an evil person would charge rent. Just last month my BIL was complaining because my husband hadn't sent my MIL enough money to cover her portion of the utilities. I'm like wth? You are living in this house for free, in my mind, YOU should be paying ALL utilities. I was glad that my husband finally stood up for himself and chewed the BIL out and told him he only had 3 months to build his house, so better get crackin. My husband feels it's his duty to give, but I feel like his family is learning to be helpless and even take advantage.

[~MP~]

Oh geez...I dont care if it is family...I would do the same thing you did...I dont like taking part in any funny business...Dont feel bad...you are doing the right thing.

[RMJM30]

Geesh. Money sure is a pain! Luckily this request is just for a loan that the cousin will be able to pay off within a month. So we're not actually expected to contribute, just lend.

The contribution/money tree is another issue all together with all of the rest of the family who are in Mexico. I have a really hard time figuring out where to draw the line because if it were up to my husband, there would be no line! I'm just not a big fan of handouts because it's not a long-term solution (teach a man to fish....). We've been trying to brainstorm some sort of business we could set up for my MIL so that she is not completely dependent on us. After all she is a 46 year old, perfectly healthy woman! We're also trying to gently nudge everyone out of our house. We plan on moving into our house in Mexico this July, but currently there aren't any spare rooms because mom, grandma, and both of my hubby's siblings and their families live there. :gaah: What really gets me is that the sibs aren't very grateful about us letting them live in the house without paying any sort of rent. BIL has even told me that in Mexican culture it's a duty for us to let them live there, and only an evil person would charge rent. Just last month my BIL was complaining because my husband hadn't sent my MIL enough money to cover her portion of the utilities. I'm like wth? You are living in this house for free, in my mind, YOU should be paying ALL utilities. I was glad that my husband finally stood up for himself and chewed the BIL out and told him he only had 3 months to build his house, so better get crackin. My husband feels it's his duty to give, but I feel like his family is learning to be helpless and even take advantage.


Brezarenee you are so right!! My mother has been married with my father for 38 years and til this day that is an issue they have with my dads family. He had a property and had a house built for his mother and father (2) they were not living as husband and wife and my grandfather was very ill when I was growing up so he had two houses built and everybody and their momma lived in that house and no one contributes to utilities and all live off of my g-ma's pension. Which is ridiculous my dad hasn't worked in the past 3 years and he really inabled them. They were so dependent on the little he would send to them and I have aunts in their early 40's that could easily work but choose not to which in my book is ridiculous. One of them had the nerve to say that she has worked hard enough early in life that she didn't see the need to work. That is crazy and lines should be drawn but like they say the money tree is growing crazy at our house I guess.