Mother not wanting to help at all...

[mouse7r]

Okay Im am really p/o with my mother... every time I mention I might need some of her info she freaks out on me... like Im going to mexico to sell her identity...

first of all I mentioned that I might need a letter from her dr. about her health problems, she said there is NO WAY she is asking a dr to write anything about her, it might be used against her in the future with health insurance. So I say okayyy then you have all you medical records right? I could just copy some parts, she says she doesnt understand how or why I would need any of her information and is very reluctant to give it.. she doesnt want her info going round the world.

So I call today (BIG mistake) to ask where I order birth certificates from in the UK? She says they dont just give out original copies, not to anyone, they would have to special order them and it would take ages. I say, uh yes they do. I can see places online, its not a big deal just expensive. So she says again, she doesnt want her info going round the world, and gets really defensive, she says a photo copy is good enough, and I say I need originals just incase, and I dont want to use yours b/c they might have to keep them. She seriously was acting like I am trying to sell her info. She says you can try if you want but your not going to get them. And you need to be SURE if you need them or not, I say it all depends on the immigration offcicer, some are more picky than others. So she goes on and on, then basically hangs up on me.

Shes really going to love it when I need there taxes to take with us as my dad is c-sponsoring... shes going to freak out.

I see myself having to sneak around her files to get medical records, and order birth cert. with out her knowing...and ordering tax info from the IRS...if you can even do that?

Its way too much trouble for her to help us... if it were me i would be offering to help in any way... and shes not, shes just being difficult... she doesnt understand why they need anyyy of her info... Grrrrrr Should I be doing something different? Should she be this way!!??

Thanks for reading my vent :)

[nineten]

I think she is really concerned about 'identity theft' and understandably so. A lot of people are.

[quote] she doesnt understand why they need anyyy of her info[quote]

Think how you can better explain this to her.

Maybe you need to find another angle to assure her of where the documents are going and not going and who is going to have access to them.

If you can pull up anything from this site and copy it so she can read it, she might understand more clearly if she can see it for herself.

[brezarenee]

This sounds really difficult. I'm sorry :(

Do you think there's anyway you can get your dad to reason with her? Seeing as your dad was the one that agreed to co-sponsor? I'm assuming they file jointly, so that's why you need all of her info too. If she's going to be really difficult about it all, do you know of anyone else that you could ask to co-sponsor? I know parents seems like the easiest route, but in your case this isn't happening. Maybe think about siblings or friends or someone else?

[mouse7r]

We really dont have anyone else we could ask...

and I have sent her waiver example letters.. and experience stories.. but she thinks they are ridiculous and that I should believe everything I read online... she doesnt understand that we are all REALLY going through this process and it takes a lot... she doesnt understand why I need any proof, if I have a marriage certificate and doesnt understand the waiver process.. she thinks Im making a big deal out of nothing.. thats why I sent her examples.. but still nothing.

[Mami-cinco]

Mouse, I will say my mom has not been that bad, but sometime close. We got in several arguments over this and she finally gave in.

I feel your pain. This process is simply hard enough and then to be told that I am exagerating is so draining. Getting the stuff from my mom took the most energy. I did finally get it and I think she finally got it too. Hang in there!

[WaitingtoExhale]

Okay Im am really p/o with my mother... every time I mention I might need some of her info she freaks out on me... like Im going to mexico to sell her identity...

first of all I mentioned that I might need a letter from her dr. about her health problems, she said there is NO WAY she is asking a dr to write anything about her, it might be used against her in the future with health insurance. So I say okayyy then you have all you medical records right? I could just copy some parts, she says she doesnt understand how or why I would need any of her information and is very reluctant to give it.. she doesnt want her info going round the world.

Does your mother object to your marriage? It sounds like she's being difficult because she doesn't agree with your choices. That's too bad. I know moms can be like that. I hope she will change her mind and start being more supportive of you and your current situation. :)

[mouse7r]

Does your mother object to your marriage? It sounds like she's being difficult because she doesn't agree with your choices. That's too bad. I know moms can be like that. I hope she will change her mind and start being more supportive of you and your current situation. :)

No she loves my husband.. though she does throw in occasionally that if I hadnt married an illegal alien we wouldnt be having this issue... so I dont know.. I hope she doesnt

[brezarenee]

Would it help if you went over her responsibilities as a co-sponsor, explaining that they are minimal, and that the main necessity there is proof of income and identity (so BC).

Taken from: http://www.uscis.gov/portal/site/usc...0045f3d6a1RCRD

"What are My Responsibilities as a Sponsor?
When you sign the Affidavit of Support, you accept legal responsibility for financially supporting the sponsored immigrant(s) until they become U.S. citizens or can be credited with 40 quarters of work. Any joint sponsors or household members whose income is used to meet the minimum income requirements are also legally responsible for financially supporting the sponsored immigrant. If the immigrant receives any "means-tested public benefits," you are responsible for repaying the cost of those benefits to the agency that provided them. If you do not repay the debt, the agency can sue you in court to get the money owed. When in doubt, ask the benefit provider whether the benefit is a "means-tested public benefit."

Currently, Federal means-tested public benefits include Food Stamps, Medicaid, Supplemental Security Income (SSI), Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF), and the State Child Health Insurance Program (CHIP). States and local jurisdictions may also designate certain of their programs as means-tested public benefits.

The following types of programs are not counted as means-tested public benefits: emergency Medicaid; short-term, non-cash emergency relief; services provided under the National School Lunch and Child Nutrition Acts; immunizations and testing and treatment for communicable diseases; student assistance under the Higher Education Act and the Public Health Service Act; certain forms of foster-care or adoption assistance under the Social Security Act; Head Start programs; means-tested programs under the Elementary and Secondary Education Act; and Job Training Partnership Act programs."

As for getting the medical evidence, well, that's a more difficult issue. My mom is reluctant on that one too, but I just keep explaining to her the system and what they require. Maybe if you explain the risk involved. Would she rather have you leave the country for 10 years or deal with the imposition of giving a copy of a medical record.

It's tough I know, but we have to just keep pushing. I have faith that our loved ones will eventuall give in when they see the huge impact this has on our lives.

[monki12]

sorry mouse......sometimes our family members just dont get it.

are they us citizens? youre parents....if they are you could use thier passport instead of a birth certificate....as for the taxes, your dad will have to request them, unless he gives you a power of attorney. its going to be difficult, especially if your mom is not helping. Im using my dads health issues in our hsl packet, but thankfully i have access to them and he is on board, if he werent it would pretty much be impossible for me to get because i would have to depend on him to speak to his docs and get his letters.......just have patience....

[Adriane]

I'm sorry that this is so hard for you. It's probably hard for your mom, too, and I know that for many people not intimately involved with this that it's hard to understand or accept that this really is the process.

It's good that you're starting early. If I were you, I'd make a list of everything you're likely to need from her and from your dad and then sit down with them together and go over that list. Some things might be able to be skipped or photocopied with parts blacked-out, other things will be crucial.

For your dad to be a co-sponsor, you will 100% need either IRS transcripts or his tax returns & w-2's. I would recommend the tax transcripts- it's less paperwork and they are free. You can download the request for yourself and take it to your dad to sign and send it out.

You will also need your dad's birth certificate and the forms will need to include his social security number.

As for medical records regarding your mom's medical conditions, there might be some wiggle room there. Obviously a letter from her doctor would be best, but in liue of that, perhaps you can include some medical records and you can always black out parts if that's the only way she's comfortable doing it. Does she have some sort of undisclosed medical issue that she's concerned about?

I think that's it's hard for people to believe that this really is how things must be done- the whole process of establishing hardship to someone who isn't even the alien- and to their extended family as well does seem really akward and when I first heard about it, I was sure it had to be wrong.

If she refuses to believe the need for these documents based on reading other people's HSLs, experiences, etc., then maybe you could suggest a consult with one of the attorney's listed here- or perhaps you could show her some of the HSLs that attorneys have written I know Lynette & jlgherrera and amanda in armenia all had letters written by Laurel Scott and I recall that amanda's letter definitely included detailed family medical history.

My dad could get the same way. He loves my husband very much but sometimes when I would explain the next step of the process and what it involved he would go into a rant about how the whole thing was stupid, unfair, etc. But that doean't make it any less true.

The good news is that you are starting early and you should have time to get what you need or change your plans.

Good luck!

[WaitingtoExhale]

No she loves my husband.. though she does throw in occasionally that if I hadnt married an illegal alien we wouldnt be having this issue... so I dont know.. I hope she doesnt

I'm glad to hear she loves your husband, Mouse! She might be in an overload situation herself and doesn't want to deal with another problem? I don't know - mothers and daughters seem to always have a love/hate situation going on. Like others here have said, maybe your dad can help to get her on board to try and be more supportive to you and your family.

[mouse7r]

Thanks :) My dad is the quiet type... but I think you are right, Im going to have to bring this up when his around! Im sure he will make more sense of it!

[Glühbirne]

My mom was difficult, too. To this day she still thinks we did it the "hard way" and that if we just would have gone down to some "office" and stood in some "line" we could have straightened things out. Of course, she also passionately dissaproved of my marriage, so her view of the whole process wasn't surprising.

I wanted information about the family history of mental retardation on her side of the family but she refused. She flat out told me that it was none of my business and that Mr. G getting legal was not even close to being worth her sharing that information with her own daughter.

When I would try to explain the process to her, she would often look at me and say, "Glu, you need to get a divorce. It was a mistake and nobody's going to blame you for leaving him. He's not worth it and I know you don't love him." My favorite was, "He's not the only man with a p&Ni$, you know. You don't have to go through all of this just to get yourself a P&ni$" Ooooh, I could write a huge post on all the ways she was the opposite of supportive. However, at the end, she did help as much as she could because she was in a hurry to get ME to come up here and she gave up on the hope that she was going to convince me to leave my husband for her.

Parents can be very very difficult.

[mouse7r]

Glu Your mother sounds a lot like mine.. though she doesnt mention divorce to me... I think she knows better! Though she did mention once 'are you really happy with mr.mouse?'

Mothers can be so frustrating.

[monki12]

:ditto: mouse, sometimes mom's are difficult.

[djones9714]

As a mother myself, I am really going to make some people mad here by my comment and I don't care really. My comment: They call themselves mothers? There is nothing that a mother would not do for their child if it helps them -- even meaning, die for their children. This makes me so mad. The question will be asked one day "where are all my children when I need them the most?"

[Glühbirne]

As a mother myself, I am really going to make some people mad here by my comment and I don't care really. My comment: They call themselves mothers? There is nothing that a mother would not do for their child if it helps them -- even meaning, die for their children. This makes me so mad. The question will be asked one day "where are all my children when I need them the most?"

I don't doubt my mother would sacrifice her life for me. I also don't doubt
she'd sacrifice her life if she knew for sure that would get rid of my husband. :bounce:

[Marie]

my mom told my husband "WHEN she divorces you she can come and live with us.." ..not if...WHEN....

It's been a rough road but we are getting there.

I hope it gets easier for you too!

[AGJB]

Sorry to hear you're going through all this extra frustration. I hope everything works out!

[Ponchetta]

This may help you with your mother. If your mother is afraid of identity theft, she needs to get some protection from a credit company. I had my identity stolen, and I call Equifax and they put a freeze on all of my credits (which is free for three months). They will not allow anyone to obtain credit without calling you first. I have pretty good credit, so I actually bought a package with them for $100.00 a year. What this package entails is the following:
1.) Allows you access to your credit 24 hours a day
2.) You get free credit report and updates 24 hours a day
3.) You are in control of your own credit. In other words, I have all of my credit locked. No one, not even the Banks can look up or approve credit unless I allow them to.

Your mother needs to realize that identity theft can occur with just her name and address. I advise you and all viewers to look this address up: Equifax.com. They are the top 3 national creditors. Please call them. They are very nice. Identity theft can occur any time. It is becoming a very serious crime. The police urged me to call these people.

[mouse7r]

Ponchetta thanks for that !! Since mislaying my SS that sounds like a GREAT idea!! :) I will also let my mother know!!!! Shes been a little better... but basically told me shes just PO that she has to be involved with this at all...

[daicha]

Maybe she is acting that way because she thinks you are lying or that someone is lying to you. I'mguessing that she also has dealt with INS, since ya'll are from Britain, and that it was very different from what your husband is going through. I don't know what to tell you in order to help, except to keep reinforcing everything that you've already told her, and invite her to be more involved in the process:ah:.i know it's a scary thought,(lol) but it may help. And it's all i can think of. Good luck!!!:thumbup: Let us know how everything goes.

[Cherokee]

Yikes, how is it that moms manage to be the most helpful and the most frustrating at the same time? Just this morning I was talking to my mom about the whole process, and she was like, 'huh, was it worth it?" and I was like, "was what worth it?" And she meant getting married.
It was really confusing, because I was not sure if she was insinuiating the whole thing was a sham or what.
She also said, "why don't you go stay with your ex boyfriend in CDJ" and then laughed for like 2 minutes and kept apologizing in this fake way. haha I guess I have had a pretty predictable dating history.