How do you forgive your family for past things?

[angela256z]

I need a little advise guys. This really is not a rant, but I thought it was a good place to pour out my story.

I grew up in a bad home. My real mother and step father were both into hard drugs. I live in what would be classified as a crack house. I got myself adopted at 17 years old. I lived a great life with my adopted family after that point.

My sister got caught up into the things that my mother was doing, but in 2000 I moved back and moved my sister in with me to get her going on the right track. She got clean and stayed clean. She got her own apt and everything. Yet I feel like deep down I didn't give her the respect she deserved because she reminded me of our mother.

Now my sister is gone and I feel lots of regret for not caring more or being there more and for treating her bad and stuff. I am learning to deal with that, but that is not where I am having the issue. Before she died I started to tell her that I loved her. I never told her that before because I just couldn't tell my real family that, but I started to say it right before she died. I know she really appreciated it because she called our mom and told her that I had said it and it made her feel good.

I am having a hard time forgiving my mom. She is really sick. I never tell her that I love her and I know that hurts. She thinks the reason I grew up to be such a good person is because of her. What I think is because I taught myself. I had some horrible things done to me when I was little. I was shot at when I was 16, sold for drugs, and some other things. I started working at 13 to support myself because the welfare check she got for me was all spent on drugs. There were even times when she would charge me $50 to cash my check cause I didn't have an account.

Now I am older. I do love her and she is not on drugs anymore, but I don't say it. I have been thinking of writing her a letter, but am having a hard time doing it. If she passes and I have not told her that I do forgive her for the things in the past then I fear that I will be much worse than when my sister passed. I take care of my mom because she can not walk much and she is weak. She has got worse within the last month and I have been trying to write this letter to her, but I feel like she is just going to hurt me again like she did before.

I think about going on in life without her cause I know one day she will die before me. When she passes I will be the only one in my immediate family left. My step dad and sister are gone. I have my adopted family which I love very much, but even with all the things that happen to me while I was with my real family I still think I will feel like they left me alone.

Anyways. That is how I have been lately. I see my mom almost daily and I know that an addiction was not her fault. She tried to stop and get help, but it is so hard to forgive and forget for me. I need to though and I am not sure how to do it.

[ojos_de_alicia]

hugs angela... i know it must be super hard.. i also cannot forgive and forget esp. with certain things related to family... but if you feel that you will regret not saying something i would say just write the letter... and see how it goes from there... i think its very important we tell people how we feel before its too late...but also let the person know about how they chose to live their life affected you very deeply and made you go through things that a child should never have to live with... just so they get the picture the way you see it in your eyes.. good luck!

[Autumnstarr71]

Wow, you need to be open and honest with your natural mother. Tell her how you feel and felt. If a letter is easier for you then by all means write the letter. You have to get it out do not keep it inside or it will eat at you forever. Get it out and close the chapter and open a new one. Take care....

[angela256z]

Thank ladies. Yes I think writing a letter would be better. I have tried to just tell her that I didn't like the way I grew up and she goes off and starts to say that she gave me a good life and that I would never had turned out to be the person I am without her. Needless to say she doesn't let me get out what I want to say and she denies any part of my life before I was adopted. I will try to write the letter again.

[YRuth]

Angela write a letter to your mom and tell her how you feel, how you felt as a child. If your mom tells you that she gave you a good life etc... then just listen to her, but at least you told her how you felt and it's going to be off your chest. Your mom is ill and arguing with her is not worth it. Deep down she knows that she did wrong,she's either in denial or stubborn.

Good Luck,

[ojos_de_alicia]

yea that can be difficult to try and talk to a person that doesnt want to listen and absorb all that you want to tell them.. i think writing it would be best like u said i would put int he very beginning that i want her to please read the whole letter first before going off about it

[Cfloresgirl]

Let me just say first of all reading this post really shows even more what a sweetheart you are.You have been to He** and back with your mom and are still by concerned for her. I just wanted to say,if you feel in your heart that you have things to say to her whether they are good or bad then tell her. Yes writing a letter is easier and you might be more open with her that way. Just to share something with you...Growing up I had a lot of issues with my mom around her alcohol use and for a long time I wasn't honest with her and once I did put everything on the table I felt like I had resolved things that were keeping me from living my life for ME in the present.I was for awhile there living in my past and constantly re-living some of the bad things that happened,instead of the good.

My dad rescued me from those bad times and a my rough home life when my mom was drinking.Like you did with your sister,I got in the habit of telling him I loved him and how much I appreciated him and was thankful for it when he died of a heart attack totally out of the blue. So I think I understand the guilt you feel around your sisters death,but I'm sure she knew your true feelings for her.

I understand when you talk about when your mom passes you being the only one in your immediate family left.I have slowly watched my immediate family shrink and that is a hard part of life.You sound like a strong person and you will figure out the best approach with your mom.If you need a friend I am here.

[joy&pain]

Wow, Angela- you have lived a very hard life and it is amazing to see the person that you have become despite the rough start you were given... Beauty from Ashes!

Angela, you forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you need to forgive them for yourself in order to heal. You withholding forgiveness from others blocks God from being able to extend forgiveness to you when you need it. In prayer, ask him to show you how to forgive. God Bless You!

[liley99]

Angela I have dealt with the same issues all of my life, same senario, my mom couldn't support us, but I didn't know my father, went through 2 step fathers who were real pieces of you know what.

I have learned that I can't keep the anger inside, although I blow up at times with her honestly do not respect her, but I do love her, and have dealt with being a little more emotional toward her, especially seeing that she has come a long way! Try and look at some of the positive and go from there. I know that you will never forget the past, because I have not! But just try and let it go! You can try and forgive but you will never forget!

Have you tried to talk to her about the past get out what you feel, that would also help!

Remember that the letter doesn't have to be much, just let her know that she inspired you to do better in life, and just thank her for getting better, and let her know that even though you went through what you went through, that you still care for her. I am sure she will appreciate that. You don't have to tell her you love her, just tell her u appreciate her.

Just start writing and it will flow, you just have to open up your mind and allow it to come out!

Good luck!:wink:

[angela256z]

Angela write a letter to your mom and tell her how you feel, how you felt as a child. If your mom tells you that she gave you a good life etc... then just listen to her, but at least you told her how you felt and it's going to be off your chest. Your mom is ill and arguing with her is not worth it. Deep down she knows that she did wrong,she's either in denial or stubborn.

Good Luck,

My mom is both in denial and stubborn. She is going through a hard time right now with being so sick and I am trying to be supportive as much as I can. You are right that arguing is not worth it. This weekend I may try to write the letter again.

[angela256z]

yea that can be difficult to try and talk to a person that doesnt want to listen and absorb all that you want to tell them.. i think writing it would be best like u said i would put int he very beginning that i want her to please read the whole letter first before going off about it

Thanks I am going to write this weekend.

[angela256z]

Let me just say first of all reading this post really shows even more what a sweetheart you are.You have been to He** and back with your mom and are still by concerned for her. I just wanted to say,if you feel in your heart that you have things to say to her whether they are good or bad then tell her. Yes writing a letter is easier and you might be more open with her that way. Just to share something with you...Growing up I had a lot of issues with my mom around her alcohol use and for a long time I wasn't honest with her and once I did put everything on the table I felt like I had resolved things that were keeping me from living my life for ME in the present.I was for awhile there living in my past and constantly re-living some of the bad things that happened,instead of the good.

My dad rescued me from those bad times and a my rough home life when my mom was drinking.Like you did with your sister,I got in the habit of telling him I loved him and how much I appreciated him and was thankful for it when he died of a heart attack totally out of the blue. So I think I understand the guilt you feel around your sisters death,but I'm sure she knew your true feelings for her.

I understand when you talk about when your mom passes you being the only one in your immediate family left.I have slowly watched my immediate family shrink and that is a hard part of life.You sound like a strong person and you will figure out the best approach with your mom.If you need a friend I am here.


Thanks girl. Lucky you had a good dad there. My dad tried, but got caught up in the drugs too. I finally was adopted by the mother of a girl I met when I was 10. They moved to Utah when we were 11 and I wrote letters to her. My school found out that I was not living at home and sometimes in a motel or with friends and told me get a guardian or get put in Foster care. I am sorry put foster care is not for me so I was living with my middle school teacher and asked my adopted family if I could live with them and they filed the paperwork and it was done.

This all came about when on Friday I picked my mom up to cut my cousin's and my hair. After I took her to the store and they would not take her EBT card cause the machine was down and her boyfriend would not go back to the store for her and she was crying. So I took her to another store. Then yesterday she asked me to pick her up some food cause she couldn't walk. I feel so bad, but I am glad that I moved cause I live right up the street from her now.

[angela256z]

Wow, Angela- you have lived a very hard life and it is amazing to see the person that you have become despite the rough start you were given... Beauty from Ashes!

Angela, you forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you need to forgive them for yourself in order to heal. You withholding forgiveness from others blocks God from being able to extend forgiveness to you when you need it. In prayer, ask him to show you how to forgive. God Bless You!

I know I need to forgive her. I think I need to go back to church cause I am not being very good with my faith. My husband has me pray every night, but I think I need to start going back to church. We are home on Sunday mornings now and we live about 2 miles from the church now. Thanks for your kind words.

[YRuth]

If you decide to read the letter to her or she reads it on her own and starts telling you that your wrong etc... just tell her that you will return once she feels better, but most importantly you won't have your conscience bothering you.

[angela256z]

Angela I have dealt with the same issues all of my life, same senario, my mom couldn't support us, but I didn't know my father, went through 2 step fathers who were real pieces of you know what.

I have learned that I can't keep the anger inside, although I blow up at times with her honestly do not respect her, but I do love her, and have dealt with being a little more emotional toward her, especially seeing that she has come a long way! Try and look at some of the positive and go from there. I know that you will never forget the past, because I have not! But just try and let it go! You can try and forgive but you will never forget!

Have you tried to talk to her about the past get out what you feel, that would also help!

Remember that the letter doesn't have to be much, just let her know that she inspired you to do better in life, and just thank her for getting better, and let her know that even though you went through what you went through, that you still care for her. I am sure she will appreciate that. You don't have to tell her you love her, just tell her u appreciate her.

Just start writing and it will flow, you just have to open up your mind and allow it to come out!

Good luck!:wink:

Sorry about your past too. Sometimes I blow up on my mom too. I feel really bad after too. I talk about how after she is gone I will have no one, but I forget also that really I am all she has too. She called me about two weeks ago crying because she said that my sister was the one she could alway call when she had problems or needed to talk and she wasn't there anymore.

I deep down do forgive her, but then I just get angry about the past. I mean I don't understand why I am even holding on to the stupid past because I left it all behind and moved on and so has she. Even if she is in denial on why I have become the person I have I should not care about that except the future. I know that she needs me and that is why I am here. I plan on moving her with me to Utah when my husband and I move even though she says she does not want to, but I just need to let this all go. My friends suggest that I go to couseling. I set up an appointment and then didn't go.

[angela256z]

If you decide to read the letter to her or she reads it on her own and starts telling you that your wrong etc... just tell her that you will return once she feels better, but most importantly you won't have your conscience bothering you.

True. I think really I am just going to write it and give it to her. Then she can read it alone without me and when she is ready to talk she can call me. I know that I am going to be compelled (sp?) to put in there that she was not the reason I turned out the way I am, but really I think she is cause I would look at her when I was younger and think I will never be like that. Oh that sounds so bad and I know I can't say that in the letter.

[liley99]

Angela,

As far as my rough life, it was hard and I had to learn how to be a woman and not tolerate the stuff she went through. Looking at her was an inspiration to me, to do better, and I used her as the example of what I did not want to be. I raised myself, and she sent me off because of a man, so it's all good! I actually now look back and say Thank You because now I can be the mother she wasn't and look at the mistakes she made.

I can be honest, I just recently went to a physc. and just told him I don't want to talk or anything about the past because there is nothing I can do about it, just put me on meds, I have depression issues especially now that I am without hubby!

It does take time, but I am going to be honest you will never forget because I am sure you feel like I do, how could you chose something that means nothing over your child! That was my problem with her.

She tried to attempt suicide about 8 months ago and I flipped out on her, and ever since then she has been a lot better!

But in your case, I know it's not easy to mend everything after all the pain. But realize that she is in denial, and says things like that to make herself feel better, you know deep inside what made you who you are! I would start the letter off on a solid level, just explaining to her the pain you have felt for years, but that you are happy that you guys are mending your relationship!

We women can be very difficult and if she is sick then it is even harder, because she now has to depend on the person that she at one time forgot about ( If you know where I am going with this) Plus both of you have had to deal with the recent loss of your sister.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you ever feel like noone is listening I am open to talk, it helps to talk about it, also if you write about your frustrations to yourself it will help alot. I have so many poems that I wrote when I was younger I read them now, and am amazed of how strong I felt about certain things.

But enough about all that! Try to make light of everything and look at it as a positive. By you helping her, you can feel better later if anything happens to her, that you were there to spend those years or however amount of time with her! Good luck with it all, and don't stress to much it will come out just try not to focus so much on it!

I have tried to write a letter to my dad for the longest but haven't done it! Now he is another story HEHEHEHEEH!

[JennyM]

Angela, you need to write your letter and tell her how you feel. My mother was never in the picture and disowned me at 15. It was really hard. At 20 I found out I had a brother...who was a drug addict and alcoholic who's wife died in 2007. It was really hard becuase I love my brother but I can't support anything he does. My father passed me off for his 3rd wife when I was 15 and I went into 3 homes in 8 months. I hung around a lot of people who did drugs, butI never did them. I finally graduated and went into the military..was raped..and wound up going crazy and alone.
You have come so far and you have to be proud of that. I really dispise my mother for everything she did to me, make me dress like a boy, chop off all my hair, laugh at me when I tried to hang myself with a blind cord...believe me, I've been there.
About 4 years ago, I found out where she lives (google) and sent her a christmas card. I have had no response and the card didn't come back. You know, I thank my that all that bad stuff happened because you know what, I wouldn't have bought my house at 21, I wouldn't have the best relationship with my father...that I do now (working on wife 4, but like her), I wouldn't have my husband who stuck around no matter what I did to him, and I wouldn't be the person I am, if all that stuff didn't happen. You have to be greatful...what doesn't break you makes you stonger...I'm living proof of that...

[djones9714]

Okay. Here's Mom responding. And no, I will not take up for your mother. What she did to you is unforgivable! I can't even imagine doing this to one of God's children. However, I will make this point. You are a wonderful lady Angela and you owe whatever you have become to yourself and not to anyone else. You can live in a home full of love and care, have food on the table, have the best of parents and still turn out "wrong". There are many ways we can love and hate. We can love others -- even people like yourself whom I have never met -- I love you because of who you are. I don't need to meet you personally to tell that you are someone I want in my life. We can hate others -- even people we have never met because of their actions and the way they may inflict wrong actions on others or the way they live their lives which is completely wrong.

If church is what you need in your life right now, I say go for it. Somehow being in church makes things seem a little clearer. It appears to me that you want to reach out to your mom and tell her that you love her and that's okay. Love comes in so many ways. The love you feel for your real mother will never compare for the love you feel for your adopted parents and your spouse or children but it is a love that you can feel comfortable with.

In the long run, you will always be grateful that you took this step to let bygones be bygones because harboring these feelings will never let you be free.

You need to be free and until you make peace, you will never be free to live your life!

That is just my feelings on the subject and I have always led my life going by the rule "never put off until tomorrow what you can do today" because tomorrow may never come.

[angela256z]

Angela,

As far as my rough life, it was hard and I had to learn how to be a woman and not tolerate the stuff she went through. Looking at her was an inspiration to me, to do better, and I used her as the example of what I did not want to be. I raised myself, and she sent me off because of a man, so it's all good! I actually now look back and say Thank You because now I can be the mother she wasn't and look at the mistakes she made.

I can be honest, I just recently went to a physc. and just told him I don't want to talk or anything about the past because there is nothing I can do about it, just put me on meds, I have depression issues especially now that I am without hubby!

It does take time, but I am going to be honest you will never forget because I am sure you feel like I do, how could you chose something that means nothing over your child! That was my problem with her.

She tried to attempt suicide about 8 months ago and I flipped out on her, and ever since then she has been a lot better!

But in your case, I know it's not easy to mend everything after all the pain. But realize that she is in denial, and says things like that to make herself feel better, you know deep inside what made you who you are! I would start the letter off on a solid level, just explaining to her the pain you have felt for years, but that you are happy that you guys are mending your relationship!

We women can be very difficult and if she is sick then it is even harder, because she now has to depend on the person that she at one time forgot about ( If you know where I am going with this) Plus both of you have had to deal with the recent loss of your sister.

I wish you all the luck in the world, and if you ever feel like noone is listening I am open to talk, it helps to talk about it, also if you write about your frustrations to yourself it will help alot. I have so many poems that I wrote when I was younger I read them now, and am amazed of how strong I felt about certain things.

But enough about all that! Try to make light of everything and look at it as a positive. By you helping her, you can feel better later if anything happens to her, that you were there to spend those years or however amount of time with her! Good luck with it all, and don't stress to much it will come out just try not to focus so much on it!

I have tried to write a letter to my dad for the longest but haven't done it! Now he is another story HEHEHEHEEH!

Angela, you need to write your letter and tell her how you feel. My mother was never in the picture and disowned me at 15. It was really hard. At 20 I found out I had a brother...who was a drug addict and alcoholic who's wife died in 2007. It was really hard becuase I love my brother but I can't support anything he does. My father passed me off for his 3rd wife when I was 15 and I went into 3 homes in 8 months. I hung around a lot of people who did drugs, butI never did them. I finally graduated and went into the military..was raped..and wound up going crazy and alone.
You have come so far and you have to be proud of that. I really dispise my mother for everything she did to me, make me dress like a boy, chop off all my hair, laugh at me when I tried to hang myself with a blind cord...believe me, I've been there.
About 4 years ago, I found out where she lives (google) and sent her a christmas card. I have had no response and the card didn't come back. You know, I thank my that all that bad stuff happened because you know what, I wouldn't have bought my house at 21, I wouldn't have the best relationship with my father...that I do now (working on wife 4, but like her), I wouldn't have my husband who stuck around no matter what I did to him, and I wouldn't be the person I am, if all that stuff didn't happen. You have to be greatful...what doesn't break you makes you stonger...I'm living proof of that...

Thanks ladies. You both have lived and got past some pretty tough things too. I am glad to see that people can move past it and be who they are. I am going to write the letter because I can't have my mom pass and still have all these feelings inside. I don't think I can take the guilt that I had with my sister again.

[angela256z]

Okay. Here's Mom responding. And no, I will not take up for your mother. What she did to you is unforgivable! I can't even imagine doing this to one of God's children. However, I will make this point. You are a wonderful lady Angela and you owe whatever you have become to yourself and not to anyone else. You can live in a home full of love and care, have food on the table, have the best of parents and still turn out "wrong". There are many ways we can love and hate. We can love others -- even people like yourself whom I have never met -- I love you because of who you are. I don't need to meet you personally to tell that you are someone I want in my life. We can hate others -- even people we have never met because of their actions and the way they may inflict wrong actions on others or the way they live their lives which is completely wrong.

If church is what you need in your life right now, I say go for it. Somehow being in church makes things seem a little clearer. It appears to me that you want to reach out to your mom and tell her that you love her and that's okay. Love comes in so many ways. The love you feel for your real mother will never compare for the love you feel for your adopted parents and your spouse or children but it is a love that you can feel comfortable with.

In the long run, you will always be grateful that you took this step to let bygones be bygones because harboring these feelings will never let you be free.

You need to be free and until you make peace, you will never be free to live your life!

That is just my feelings on the subject and I have always led my life going by the rule "never put off until tomorrow what you can do today" because tomorrow may never come.

Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. I never could understand why my sister and I were never enough to change her life. I really hate it cause she will tell me "Your sister was my street kid and you were my school kid", I mean is that really something to be proud of? My sister would have rather been her school kid too. I remember when my sister first tried Heroin, My mom HELPED HER DO IT! I just can't understand where this is all right, but I know my mother is different now. So I am going to write the letter this weekend and give it to her. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks again everyone for your thoughts, kind words, and your stories. It always feels so good to know that your not alone in more ways than one.

[nineten]

@angela256z, Write the letter to your mother. It wasn't that you and your sister weren't enough to change your mother, your mother was controlled by the factors directing her life at that time. You can forgive but you don't have to forget, you can't wipe it out as if it is now a blank slate. If I read correctly, you're wanting to reach out a little closer to her like you did to your sister. That is magnanimous on your part and you should. It might be really difficult for her to now say she is sorry for everything. It might hurt her worse than you can imagine and she might be holding it in. If she doesn't respond like you hope and wish she might, give it time. She's ill as you say and I'm certain before you mother passes from this life she is going to tell you how much she loves you and that she is sorry. She will do this when she's ready, I truly think she will but at least you will open the door and make it easier on yourself and the door will be open for her also when she's ready to walk through. You're considering doing the right thing. Good luck to you on this.

[MTRACKSPORT]

ANGELA , i know everyone is telling you to write a letter or talk to your mom about the problems in the past but i will be the only one to tell you that now is not the right time to do this. please wait until your mom is 100% healthy and you are alone somewhere other than each others house. when you give her the letter or talk to her, it will create a real stressful situation that might have unwanted consequences if she is still ill. younger people are a lot more emotional about things like this and will act instantly to resolve the problem whereas older people have seen what happens and will choose the right moment to bring this problem up . i have a friend that had a similar problem like yours and one day he had it out with his dad, brought up all the old stuff that bothered him and thought he finally told him how it was. his dad passed away in his sleep that night and Roger has had a hard time every since. he blames himself for his fathers death. please concider forgiving your mom //unconditionally// and let it go . she knows how it really was and who ?really needs her to be reminded. She WAS right that she was the cause of you being the good person you turned out to be . without the problems in your life you would have never met your adopted parents. you are better than someone looking for justification in their life. OH-WELL OLDTIMERS is kicking in and i will close. BE STRONG GIRL>LOL:shy::shy:

[angela256z]

Mtrack - I understand what you are saying. I have tried to see it both ways that if I would not have seen all the bad stuff would I be who I am, but I am afraid to wait to tell her things. I mean I don't really want to write a letter to blame her for all the past, but I have not told her that I love her in years....Since about 1996 maybe. I want her to know that deep down I do love her but I have not said it cause the past makes me mad. I went through a lot when my sister died in Nov and I don't think I would make it through it again if my mom were to pass now and the thing is my mom is not going to get better. She is sick and it will not go away this time. I am not saying that she is going to past tomorrow, but she is not well.

I do appreciate your advise and words too. I appreciate everyones. I am going to wrtie the letter. It is not going to be mean and all about the past, but kind of a closing door to let her know that it is exactly that the past and that I do love her even though I don't say it.

[nineten]

@angela256z Sometimes we can use all the reason in the world but we must go by what our 'gut feeling' tells us to do. MSPORT made some excellent points considering your mother being ill right now but it appears that you know what you want to do and feel confident with your decision. I do hope this brings you both closer together offering new opportunities to enjoy each others company, because life is after all, very short, not always affording us time to put things off.