My cousin's husband cheated on her...

[ncruzrangel]

My cousin's husband cheated on her with a girl from his work. So my cousin made him quit his job. Then the girl just shows up at their baby's baptism party. So what should my cousin do in this situation. She is wanting to try to have her deported. She has old phone records of when the girl would call them a lot and she wanted to get her deported since she knows she is working without a social security card since she is illegal. Any advice for her on her marriage.

[mpls-mexico]

Isn’t her husband equally at fault in this? Getting rid of the girl isn’t going to make him rid of his patterns unless they address what the real issue is. Sounds like some good old marriage counseling would help.

I obviously don’t know the intricacies of the situation but he is getting away with disrespecting her by her continually trying to “clean up” his mess (make him change jobs, deport the girl, etc.). Half the world is made up of women, she can’t get rid of them all.

I wish her well but to me, deporting the girl isn’t the answer nor will it make him stop cheating.

[ncruzrangel]

What she told me about her husband is that she no longer is really checking his calls anymore because he got his cell phone company to stop sending them the detail listing of his calls and she said that that are mad at each other over that girl showing up at the party. He tells her that no he did not invite her but that he did invite one of her friends and that is how she may have found out.

[Auntlily]

I agree with Mpls-Mexico.

Getting rid of the girl won't solve her problems. I think the problem here is the husband.

[YRuth]

I'm sorry, but it takes two to tangle and your cousin's husband is not an angel. My opinion he's the one to blame, if he loved your cousin so much why fool around with another women? Getting the other girl deported is not going to solve anything because he could do it with someone else. Your cousin needs to straighten things out with her husband, otherwise she's better off by herself.

[JennyM]

Sounds like they had issues BEFORE he cheated...they either need to make up or get out...I agree with everyone else, deporting the girl will not solve the underlying problem.

[nineten]

mpls-mexico, I agree with you.

The husband is the one having the affair, not the female, he's the one that violated the marriage vows. Why does everybody want to go after the other woman? Deal with the husband.

My husband had a relationship outside our marriage. I only wanted to stomp on the gal when she called my cell phone and I did file police reports on her to no avail. Whose fault was it? It was my husband's fault and the main fault of her was that she wouldn't back off like I told her but during that period of time we had chats on the phone where we were cussing each other and other chats where we were more civil.

If you think about it wisely, the female is full of information that the husband might not disclose. I'd prefer to get along with her, really, because if I didn't then I'd not know as much as I needed to know while dealing with my husband accordingly since she hadn't held a gun to his head. I'm not going to totally blame her, it's the guy you go after.

After it all was said and done, long after, I called her and we had a nice chat and she reinforced the fact that it was not going to occur again. I was nice enough to tell her that if the door was ever open for her again to step back in as before, that I'd be more than happy to give her all of my husband's files for the immigration process and let her take over, I told her about the cost and it would relieve me of that burden if she could carry that financial burden, etc.

Needless to say I rested assured she no longer had any interest when she heard about the process and the cost which she'd never stand a chance of even being able to petition.

Am I ever worried it will happen again? No. And if so, by then, I'm sure everybody will know that I'll have a concealed gun permit since I travel a lot anyway.

Point is: Blame the man, not the other woman.

btw, I even offered to introduce her to some guys that I know. Women normally don't have a 'buddy system' like men do where they get over things, women hold grudges forever, I think more along the lines of the way men think. Men would often get over this, women no. I can unless it occurred again which is highly doubtful.

[carlosalica]

I guess I'm just not the type to have someone "deported." In my life I have done things illegal, I'm pretty sure we all do even if it is just speeding, I dont' want anyone to "tell" on me. AND when my husband was here illegaly I wouldn't want anyone to have him deported. I say i should be perfect before I tell on anyone else, but I know not many people feel like this.
I agree with mpls, I think the girl should work on her marriage before she worries about deporting other girls. If she can't trust her husband it's not going to help if the girl he cheated with is two miles away or two million.
Also, I've heard that just because a USC is "mad" at an illegal doesn't mean that ICE will waste their time with one person. My brother and sister in law were having problems with a USC, she stole their van but that's a whole nother story, but anyway the USC kept saying oh if you don't give me money you better be careful becuase immigration might show up. When she said this my brother and sister in law did some checking into things and basically they were told unless they have a criminal history ICE will more than likely not show up at their door.

[JennyM]

I ALSO blame the women if she KNOWS he's married!

[ncruzrangel]

I will be giving her all of your advice. She has just been asking me to give her information on how to contact immigration or if she could also file a police report to have proof of the problems she has been having with her. She is said she would call me today to let me know how things have been going.

[nineten]

JennyM, yes, I agree but she's not the one that steps out of the relationship, the man is. I'd read in an advice colunm once that the problem with the female would be more so when a wife tells her that they're trying to work things out in their relationship and she disrespectfully doesn't back out. That'sreally crossing the line.

I also heard a minister talking on the radio once and said that a member of his church was blaming another woman for her husband's affair. The minister asked why she was blaming the so-called other woman and she said that according to the bible that she'd have to divorce her husband so it was easier to blame the other woman and she wouldn't have to divorce. Go figure. Everybody always wants to throw the blame on the other woman.

And what is the first question that a female will ask about another woman: "What does she look like?" They want to know if she's prettier.

A man will make the remark that the so-called other man was probably more 'endowed' (or had a fatter wallet).

Funny are the differences in the way things are viewed by both sexes.

[nineten]

ncruzrangel, if the female hasn't carried out any threats there's probably nothing you can do. Why didn't the owner of the property at the baptism ask her to leave? If he had, and she wouldn't leave or she returned, then he could've charged her with trespassing.

Did you know in some states if your husband lives with you and he invites a guest into the home and you walk in and want that guest to leave that the police can't do a bloody thing about it because the guest was invited by a member of that home (on lease, contract, mortgage, etc). You can only do something if the guest was in there and he wasn't (or if he left and I think maybe the guest stayed, not sure on this). I've heard of this before when my neighbor wanted one of his live-in's friends to leave.

The husband might be telling the truth that he only invited a friend and they brought the gal. He has no control over her showing up. If he didn't like it, why didn't he walk over and ask her why she showed up? He had no right if it wasn't his party or his home.

If it's his party or his home, HE could've politely said "You're not welcome here."

Word gets around and the female probably knew that he was going to be there and she was going to attend or maybe she didn't go for that reason.

He obviously is hiding something if he's had the billing details deleted out of the bill.

Fix the problem with the guy or else she'll just have to work on the next one, there's a fool on every corner.

She made him quit his job? What is she going to make him do next?

Why don't she concentrate on marriage counseling and quit obsessing with about this female.

[ncruzrangel]

My cousin didn't make them kick out the girl from the party because all of her family was there and she didn't want to make a big scene or scandal over it. But yeah it was their party that they had and rented a place for it so that made it kinda public where anybody could have gone I mean they did not make it private by requiring an invitation which she could have still found a way to get it

[jeannie]

Isn’t her husband equally at fault in this? Getting rid of the girl isn’t going to make him rid of his patterns unless they address what the real issue is. Sounds like some good old marriage counseling would help.

I obviously don’t know the intricacies of the situation but he is getting away with disrespecting her by her continually trying to “clean up” his mess (make him change jobs, deport the girl, etc.). Half the world is made up of women, she can’t get rid of them all.

I wish her well but to me, deporting the girl isn’t the answer nor will it make him stop cheating.


Totally agree. Could not have said it better. The guy is the problem. Say you deport her what happens with the next girl that is a citizen? Plus I don't think deporting anyone is ever a good idea.Bad karma.

[Sabrina022203]

I do not think getting her deported will stop her husband from cheating in the future. She needs to deal with her husband first and for most. He will keep doing this if she lets him and being mad at the other lady and deporting her will do nothing, but make the other lady mad and her family mad. There still will be more then enought other women out there for him to cheat on her with. The real problem is there is a lack of trust and that is what is needed in a marriage.

[ncruzrangel]

This girl has a co-worker that she is friends with. My cousin feels like the co-worker is also to blame because she hooked them up. Well the co-worker is married so my cousin wants to call her husband and tell him if he knows that his wife goes out to lunch with the managers at the restaurant where they work. I'm guessing they must all be guys and she thinks that her husband would not go for that if he doesn't know. She also wants to cause problems for them by having girls call him at home or at his work.

[nineten]

Good grief!!! Why does she want to wreck everybody elses life? You cousin needs to mind her own business with her own husband and try to work that out. She's angry and hurt I'm sure but it's none of her business what other people are doing. If she'd focus on what is going on at home - she might very well fix it. Her wreaking havoc on everybody else that is associated with this soap opera scenario isn't going to do anything to help her situation. I can see how she feels but she needs to direct her hurt and anger elsewhere.

I'd suggest for her own welfare and benefit that she call a counselor. She needs to be counseled by a professional for her own well-being. At this very moment with what she's considering doing, she needs the counseling more so right now so she can get a grip on how to realistically deal with this.

In the long run, what might happen, is that the husband is going to be embarrassed and irate that she is wanting or (will do) these things and she might very well push him farther away if not losing him totally. She needs to think about that.

He is probably going to reach a point where he isn't going to want all the attention on him by her causing disaster all over the place and people are going to have their eyes on him as to how he will react to the end results of it. He's not going to stand being put in the limelight when everybody's lives begin to unfold and everybody's looking at him and questioning why are you staying with her, he's liable to walk out!!!

Getting revenge isn't going to help her relationship one bit.

Now it seems like it's everybody elses fault that has even one iota of a connection to this situation. Let's focus on the husband, too easy to blame others, they didn't hold a gun to his head!!!

Sounds like the "misery loves company" ordeal, huh?

[mpls-mexico]

AHHHHHHHHH. O.k. your cousin is starting to drive me nuts. In my opinion, she needs to STOP blaming everyone else for the problems in her marriage. Her husband is married. He cheated. That is the problem THEY need to deal with. Causing problems for other people because she feels poorly about herself and her marriage really isn’t a road I’d want to go down. KARMA. KARMA. KARMA. You know, I said something about marriage counseling in my first post but I am starting to think that she may need some individual counseling to get to the root of why she is so insecure.

I know she is your cousin and obviously you care for her so sorry for being harsh but REALLY….

[ncruzrangel]

That is ok I have just had to be the one to listen to their problems and just wish that one of them would finally just make a move to end all of this since they already have two little girls one is a baby still.

[nineten]

I'm glad they didn't make a scene at the party. Although guests would appear to be appalled at the time, it would only be fodder for some really good gossip after the party after airing dirty laundry there. Good thing it went undisturbed!

I've got an inkling that if she's having these problems with him right now, and if she carries forth with her plans, she's going to lose in the long run. Get my drift? (Lose her husband.) Sorry, but I've seen it happen before. It's best to leave everybody else alone right now, back off and cool off.

[nineten]

mpls-mexico, you said it first about the counseling and so have I. I agree.

Please persuade her to take a deep breath and call a counselor. If not for herself, then for those wonderful, innocent children.

[JennyM]

wow...she's seems to hate her life, so she trys to ruin everyone around her...hmm...she just sounds childish...tell her to grow up.

[Sabrina022203]

:ditto::ditto:AHHHHHHHHH. O.k. your cousin is starting to drive me nuts. In my opinion, she needs to STOP blaming everyone else for the problems in her marriage. Her husband is married. He cheated. That is the problem THEY need to deal with. Causing problems for other people because she feels poorly about herself and her marriage really isn’t a road I’d want to go down. KARMA. KARMA. KARMA. You know, I said something about marriage counseling in my first post but I am starting to think that she may need some individual counseling to get to the root of why she is so insecure.

I know she is your cousin and obviously you care for her so sorry for being harsh but REALLY….

[nineten]

JennyM, a lot of people are like that. The female is really hurting right now and it seems her marriage isn't undergoing any real sign of construction at this moment.

She's misdirecting a lot of shock, hurt, anger, fear, and many more mixed emotions together and she's not making good choices.

It does at first sound childish, and I'm not trying to disagree with you, but we've heard of the saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." I'm not saying it's not childish, I'm saying it's not healthy.

It applies to male and female, any age, race, etc. can experience these type of thoughts and feelings. Some people will go to any length to get revenge thinking it will fix their problem but it will only make it worse. It's a personal choice how we act out on these inner thoughts and feelings which, to a point, can be natural, but not to be acted out on. That's why they say to beat up a pillow to get the anger out or dig a hole in the ground and bury the negative (whatever) there and leave it behind.

If she acts out on these thoughts, it's not healthy for her, the relationship, and the kids overall. She's going to hurt far more people in the long run than she can ever fathom of hurting and how long will the recovery time be for everybody affected?

[nineten]

ncruzrangel, I sent a pm to you.

I'm jumping off this thread now. Good luck to your cousin and hope others here can still assist her although I think there has been excellent advise already given by all members who chimed in and I, myself, have nothing more to add since seeking professional counseling has been advised by most all. Again, I wish her the best of luck with her dilemna.

[gdalicia]

My two cents: Your cousin married a cheater, period. She can blame it on everyone and everything other than him and will remain miserable. She can make him change 100 jobs and try to get every woman who ever looked at him kicked out of her state. She'll still be married to a cheater. Whether or not she ever figures that out is another story. Some women never do. You know what they say about denial...

[jeannie]

AHHHHHHHHH. O.k. your cousin is starting to drive me nuts. In my opinion, she needs to STOP blaming everyone else for the problems in her marriage. Her husband is married. He cheated. That is the problem THEY need to deal with. Causing problems for other people because she feels poorly about herself and her marriage really isn’t a road I’d want to go down. KARMA. KARMA. KARMA. You know, I said something about marriage counseling in my first post but I am starting to think that she may need some individual counseling to get to the root of why she is so insecure.

I know she is your cousin and obviously you care for her so sorry for being harsh but REALLY….

Dang! I would have not have been able to say it this way,but you've covered it all.Harsh,but the truth.

[Auntlily]

I would NEVER deport anyone for ANY reason. Like many have said here...what goes around comes around...

Kudos to Nineten...girl you need to get your counseling license or something.

Hope your cousin finds a solution to all this mess instead of creating more havoc! I really hope that comes to a peace with herself and her situation. I understand that it is hard and that sometimes revenge seems like it would help, but it would only make matters worse.

Uhm...and I stand by my method of revenge:

throw in a red sock with his white undies and that should do the trick. Atleast it helps you feel better for a while. hehehehe :shy: