jveli
04-01-2008, 04:08 PM
OK...I am going to put myself out there, take a chance with you guys…please don’t judge...because I really need to get stuff out of my head. Some days I just don't think I can deal with it anymore!!!!!!:gaah:
Its like I am supposed to be strong for everyone else…but have no one for me.
I know my children and I should be seeing a therapist but it is prohibitively expensive…husbands insurance has a $700.00 deductible per person for therapy before they kick in at 80/20…and we have immigration expenses and regular life bills/things…
Just the stats...
-7 year old son has documented sleep disorder...long journey to get to diagnosis/meds
-Husband dealing w/immigration (and the rest of us)
-Unemployed since October 2007: cannot seem to find a job that pays decent, and within reasonable distance to home. The area I live in has highest unemployment rate for state, I have years of customer service/office experience and almost have finished my bachelors of Criminal Justice...BUT I do NOT want to do office jobs and office type jobs look at my resume and don't want to hire because I am pursuing CJ degree, but regardless I need a job, and CJ type jobs cannot hire me because i have not finished my degree...unemployment will run out eventually...but not working is also doing my family wonders with me being home full time...plus the minute I go back to work I will make too much money to stay on section 8...
And the WORST...
15 year old son having MAJOR issues: when I say major...geesh...he has a documented learning disability that affects him socially and emotionally too. I have been dealing with this since he was 2 years old. This past September we found out he had done something inappropriate at private in home daycare over the summer...yes, daycare because he is not mature enough to be a latchkey kid/stay home alone during summer...
Anyways, in September he moved to NH to live with his dad and go to a private day school and we put him in therapy for this incident and many others. The therapist also saw him when he was seven.
Therapist stated that my son should have been reported to Child Protection for what he did over the summer...didn't know that...in January my two youngest sons, 7 & 8, disclosed sexually inappropriate actions/behaviors that my oldest did to them...while we were home...I called DSS and reported my own son hoping to get help...they declined to have the case "founded" because their defintion of child abuse is that a PRIMARY CARE GIVER is the one doing it and since my 15 yr. old is not a PCG...NICE!!!
BUT we could opt for voluntary services, and they would place him in the "least restrictive environment" meaning counseling and case management from within the community, but the 15 year old would have to move back home and be entered into public school. Obviously, we did not opt for this because it made no sense to bring him back into the home with the two children he had violated (hands off type offenses).
The therapist states "he is an opportunist, and is showing a lack of proper attachment, which manifests itself in apparent lack of remorse, willingness to exploit others (e.g. sexually), pathological lying, lack of empathy and self-centeredness. I completely concur that he feigns ignorance and trying to pass off his misdeeds as being "joking", misunderstandings, etc. I do believe that he is aware of the wrongfulness of his acts but does not, for whatever reason, feel that he must conform his behavior to social standards. I fully share your concerns about his future if these behaviors continue. He presents evidence of deviant sexual interests and behaviors and this would support a diagnosis of Sexual Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. Of equal concern is evidence of emerging psychopathy which increases his risk for future non-sexual and/or sexual offending."
His father and I have been calling everyone and every place we can think of to get help for our son before he does get in trouble with the law and gets a record/label. Even called DCYF in NH hoping they would help, but they stated because his younger sibling in that state has not disclosed anything there is no current abuse. It just seems that no one wants to do anything mainly because the course of action he needs and they KNOW he needs it and his therapist (clinical forensic psychologist specializing in sex offenders/testifies in court all the time) recommends is VERY expensive. He states he should be in a residential therapeutic school, and that seeing him or any other counselor once a week is NOT going to be enough.
My son has not been adjudicated, and there are no programs out there that are proactive in their approach with juveniles. So now, my son is staying with my parents where there are no other kids, so he can finish out the school year at the private high school and until we can figure out what to do.
The problem here is that my son being at my parent’s house would not be his father's first choice or mine. But currently it is the only place available for him to be at, where he is not around children/does not have the opportunity to perpetrate further violations, and finish out the school year until we can figure out what to do next/get help. This is only meant to be a temporary situation, or at least that is our hope.
However, there exist a significant difference in opinion between my parents, particularly my mother, and us as to the wrongfulness of my son's acts, and what the different characteristics/traits he has shown mean to him and his future. They are not educated in this area, and their general opinion is that most therapists are quacks. My mother’s opinion is that there is nothing wrong with what he did, that it is a normal part of adolescent sexual exploration, and that “everyone does it”. Additionally, the traits/characteristics he has shown are normal and that it is “just a kid thing, everyone does it”.
She feels that my son should be treated only for his depression, suicidal comments, but that the sexual aspect is receiving too much attention. She completely disagrees with Dr’s diagnosis that he is at risk for future sexual crimes, and states, “He is wrong about him, you need to get a second opinion, and there is nothing anyone can say that will convince me that he is right.”
I have explained to her several times that we HAVE spoken to other professionals and they all say he needs help.
She does not understand:
-that in order for him to receive psychological treatment, it has to be by a person who also deals with the sexual aspect
-that his IEP has to also consider his sexual issues
-why so many professionals have declined to treat him
I have explained numerous times you must treat a whole person, not just different parts, and for a professional to treat outside of what they have been trained for/licensed for is wrong.
Anyways...sorry it is so long but believe me this is the abridged version...I had a HUGE fight with my mother on the phone Sunday about all of this...
Sometimes I just cannot stand her, but I am grateful that she has given my son a place to stay.
I just cannot believe that she would argue that what he has done to his brothers is normal. Her words, "your uncle XXXX did it, your step brothers XXXX and XXXX did it...its normal...he is 15 and everyone does it"
I feel like she is not taking into consideration the turmoil this has caused to my two other children, HER grandsons...as if their feelings do not count...she never asks how they are doing. It is as if we should all just accept it as normal and move on.
But why should I expect anything different from her...when i disclosed to her what my step brothers did to me...years afterwards, but still a kid...she says, "well why didn't you say something before, well there is nothing we can do now, it is water under the bridge" AND as an adult she expects me to show up to family gatherings, forget what happened to me because it is in the past, she says, "their your brothers" and I tell her "no they are NOT, they were only step brothers and as far as I am concerned they are nothing to me...they are white trailer park trash!!! I refuse to go to holidays or family gatherings and instead spend that time with my birth father and that side of the family.
I just do not understand why she does not understand that her position is wrong. It invalidates victims, their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. What because he didn't sexually penetrate its OK?!?!
She does not understand that by her making excuses for him, she blames everyone else, everything else, never making him take responsibility…she is rationalizing and neutralizing his behaviors, thus enabling him, and at the same time perpetuating the negative plight of so many victims.
As a mother, all I want is for my son to get help before he does something that will cause him to have a criminal record. She thinks I am just out to crucify my oldest and I am not, but if I do nothing, the message that is sent to my son is, "oh well I got away with this little bit...so lets up the ante".
My thoughts are that at some time in her youth she was violated, and for her to acknowledge/accept the wrongfulness of the acts perpetrated by my oldest son would mean she would have to look at her own situation with the correct lenses and that would be too much for her. It is easier for her to say it is normal, because than what happened to her was normal.
It frustrate me to no ends...
I only get to see my son every other weekend…his father has him the other weekends…and my parents have him the rest of the time. But even when he is here for the weekend it is just horrible…we have to be Nazi police the whole time he is here…he is not allowed to be alone in a room with either of his brothers…there is constant bickering between them…and it is obvious he is mad with them and when they do something that pisses him off (usually something minor and stupid) he over reacts…and most times in a violent manner…of course we are there to immediately stop it…but what if one time he does something really bad? I feel guilty because I think it would be better if he did not come here for the weekends, we just visited here, and there…I have to think about my two other children’s safety.
Plus, if he does do something worse, what kind of position does that put me in as far as endangering my other two children even though DSS declined to have his case be “founded.
My husband says leave him in NH, he knows what he is doing is wrong, and he keeps doing it...so if he goes to jail, that’s his problem, not yours...we don't need that kind of problems in our home ( he is afraid of DSS and because of immigration he doesn't want any attention)...and part of me agrees...and it would be soooo much easier to walk away...but I am his mother and I would not feel right unless I do everything I can in my power to get him help. And if I do not visit with him regularly will he think I have abandoned him? But part of me cannot help but think because of his type of learning disorder there is very little hope.
I asked him Sunday if he missed us and he said, “yeah, I guess, kinda”. Do you miss your dad? “No, not really, why should I? Its always been that way with my dad…only seeing him on the weekends.”
The only hope we have now is that when the school district here does their tri-annual review/evaluation for his IEP, with the thought in their mind that he will be doing 10th grade in their school that they will state he cannot be in the mainstream setting and be legally obligated to pay for a placement...otherwise...I don't know what we will do. If he stays with my parents, I can see him turning into a backwoods redneck conservative with prejudicial views...
I feel like the only recourse I have is the next time he makes a suicidal type comment is to commit him, or when if it is something different...than call the cops on him.
Its like I am supposed to be strong for everyone else…but have no one for me.
I know my children and I should be seeing a therapist but it is prohibitively expensive…husbands insurance has a $700.00 deductible per person for therapy before they kick in at 80/20…and we have immigration expenses and regular life bills/things…
Just the stats...
-7 year old son has documented sleep disorder...long journey to get to diagnosis/meds
-Husband dealing w/immigration (and the rest of us)
-Unemployed since October 2007: cannot seem to find a job that pays decent, and within reasonable distance to home. The area I live in has highest unemployment rate for state, I have years of customer service/office experience and almost have finished my bachelors of Criminal Justice...BUT I do NOT want to do office jobs and office type jobs look at my resume and don't want to hire because I am pursuing CJ degree, but regardless I need a job, and CJ type jobs cannot hire me because i have not finished my degree...unemployment will run out eventually...but not working is also doing my family wonders with me being home full time...plus the minute I go back to work I will make too much money to stay on section 8...
And the WORST...
15 year old son having MAJOR issues: when I say major...geesh...he has a documented learning disability that affects him socially and emotionally too. I have been dealing with this since he was 2 years old. This past September we found out he had done something inappropriate at private in home daycare over the summer...yes, daycare because he is not mature enough to be a latchkey kid/stay home alone during summer...
Anyways, in September he moved to NH to live with his dad and go to a private day school and we put him in therapy for this incident and many others. The therapist also saw him when he was seven.
Therapist stated that my son should have been reported to Child Protection for what he did over the summer...didn't know that...in January my two youngest sons, 7 & 8, disclosed sexually inappropriate actions/behaviors that my oldest did to them...while we were home...I called DSS and reported my own son hoping to get help...they declined to have the case "founded" because their defintion of child abuse is that a PRIMARY CARE GIVER is the one doing it and since my 15 yr. old is not a PCG...NICE!!!
BUT we could opt for voluntary services, and they would place him in the "least restrictive environment" meaning counseling and case management from within the community, but the 15 year old would have to move back home and be entered into public school. Obviously, we did not opt for this because it made no sense to bring him back into the home with the two children he had violated (hands off type offenses).
The therapist states "he is an opportunist, and is showing a lack of proper attachment, which manifests itself in apparent lack of remorse, willingness to exploit others (e.g. sexually), pathological lying, lack of empathy and self-centeredness. I completely concur that he feigns ignorance and trying to pass off his misdeeds as being "joking", misunderstandings, etc. I do believe that he is aware of the wrongfulness of his acts but does not, for whatever reason, feel that he must conform his behavior to social standards. I fully share your concerns about his future if these behaviors continue. He presents evidence of deviant sexual interests and behaviors and this would support a diagnosis of Sexual Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. Of equal concern is evidence of emerging psychopathy which increases his risk for future non-sexual and/or sexual offending."
His father and I have been calling everyone and every place we can think of to get help for our son before he does get in trouble with the law and gets a record/label. Even called DCYF in NH hoping they would help, but they stated because his younger sibling in that state has not disclosed anything there is no current abuse. It just seems that no one wants to do anything mainly because the course of action he needs and they KNOW he needs it and his therapist (clinical forensic psychologist specializing in sex offenders/testifies in court all the time) recommends is VERY expensive. He states he should be in a residential therapeutic school, and that seeing him or any other counselor once a week is NOT going to be enough.
My son has not been adjudicated, and there are no programs out there that are proactive in their approach with juveniles. So now, my son is staying with my parents where there are no other kids, so he can finish out the school year at the private high school and until we can figure out what to do.
The problem here is that my son being at my parent’s house would not be his father's first choice or mine. But currently it is the only place available for him to be at, where he is not around children/does not have the opportunity to perpetrate further violations, and finish out the school year until we can figure out what to do next/get help. This is only meant to be a temporary situation, or at least that is our hope.
However, there exist a significant difference in opinion between my parents, particularly my mother, and us as to the wrongfulness of my son's acts, and what the different characteristics/traits he has shown mean to him and his future. They are not educated in this area, and their general opinion is that most therapists are quacks. My mother’s opinion is that there is nothing wrong with what he did, that it is a normal part of adolescent sexual exploration, and that “everyone does it”. Additionally, the traits/characteristics he has shown are normal and that it is “just a kid thing, everyone does it”.
She feels that my son should be treated only for his depression, suicidal comments, but that the sexual aspect is receiving too much attention. She completely disagrees with Dr’s diagnosis that he is at risk for future sexual crimes, and states, “He is wrong about him, you need to get a second opinion, and there is nothing anyone can say that will convince me that he is right.”
I have explained to her several times that we HAVE spoken to other professionals and they all say he needs help.
She does not understand:
-that in order for him to receive psychological treatment, it has to be by a person who also deals with the sexual aspect
-that his IEP has to also consider his sexual issues
-why so many professionals have declined to treat him
I have explained numerous times you must treat a whole person, not just different parts, and for a professional to treat outside of what they have been trained for/licensed for is wrong.
Anyways...sorry it is so long but believe me this is the abridged version...I had a HUGE fight with my mother on the phone Sunday about all of this...
Sometimes I just cannot stand her, but I am grateful that she has given my son a place to stay.
I just cannot believe that she would argue that what he has done to his brothers is normal. Her words, "your uncle XXXX did it, your step brothers XXXX and XXXX did it...its normal...he is 15 and everyone does it"
I feel like she is not taking into consideration the turmoil this has caused to my two other children, HER grandsons...as if their feelings do not count...she never asks how they are doing. It is as if we should all just accept it as normal and move on.
But why should I expect anything different from her...when i disclosed to her what my step brothers did to me...years afterwards, but still a kid...she says, "well why didn't you say something before, well there is nothing we can do now, it is water under the bridge" AND as an adult she expects me to show up to family gatherings, forget what happened to me because it is in the past, she says, "their your brothers" and I tell her "no they are NOT, they were only step brothers and as far as I am concerned they are nothing to me...they are white trailer park trash!!! I refuse to go to holidays or family gatherings and instead spend that time with my birth father and that side of the family.
I just do not understand why she does not understand that her position is wrong. It invalidates victims, their thoughts, their feelings, their experiences. What because he didn't sexually penetrate its OK?!?!
She does not understand that by her making excuses for him, she blames everyone else, everything else, never making him take responsibility…she is rationalizing and neutralizing his behaviors, thus enabling him, and at the same time perpetuating the negative plight of so many victims.
As a mother, all I want is for my son to get help before he does something that will cause him to have a criminal record. She thinks I am just out to crucify my oldest and I am not, but if I do nothing, the message that is sent to my son is, "oh well I got away with this little bit...so lets up the ante".
My thoughts are that at some time in her youth she was violated, and for her to acknowledge/accept the wrongfulness of the acts perpetrated by my oldest son would mean she would have to look at her own situation with the correct lenses and that would be too much for her. It is easier for her to say it is normal, because than what happened to her was normal.
It frustrate me to no ends...
I only get to see my son every other weekend…his father has him the other weekends…and my parents have him the rest of the time. But even when he is here for the weekend it is just horrible…we have to be Nazi police the whole time he is here…he is not allowed to be alone in a room with either of his brothers…there is constant bickering between them…and it is obvious he is mad with them and when they do something that pisses him off (usually something minor and stupid) he over reacts…and most times in a violent manner…of course we are there to immediately stop it…but what if one time he does something really bad? I feel guilty because I think it would be better if he did not come here for the weekends, we just visited here, and there…I have to think about my two other children’s safety.
Plus, if he does do something worse, what kind of position does that put me in as far as endangering my other two children even though DSS declined to have his case be “founded.
My husband says leave him in NH, he knows what he is doing is wrong, and he keeps doing it...so if he goes to jail, that’s his problem, not yours...we don't need that kind of problems in our home ( he is afraid of DSS and because of immigration he doesn't want any attention)...and part of me agrees...and it would be soooo much easier to walk away...but I am his mother and I would not feel right unless I do everything I can in my power to get him help. And if I do not visit with him regularly will he think I have abandoned him? But part of me cannot help but think because of his type of learning disorder there is very little hope.
I asked him Sunday if he missed us and he said, “yeah, I guess, kinda”. Do you miss your dad? “No, not really, why should I? Its always been that way with my dad…only seeing him on the weekends.”
The only hope we have now is that when the school district here does their tri-annual review/evaluation for his IEP, with the thought in their mind that he will be doing 10th grade in their school that they will state he cannot be in the mainstream setting and be legally obligated to pay for a placement...otherwise...I don't know what we will do. If he stays with my parents, I can see him turning into a backwoods redneck conservative with prejudicial views...
I feel like the only recourse I have is the next time he makes a suicidal type comment is to commit him, or when if it is something different...than call the cops on him.