Am I Overreacting?????

[mandee3911]

Ok, first of all I would like to say, I have trust issues. And before my husband was talking to this lady who used to sell food or something but he would call her only when i wasn't around (i can see his calls made online) anyways, I confronted him and told him not to call her anymore and delete her number. I said "you can have friends who are girls but when you're being secretive and calling her only when i'm not around thats messed up". So anyways, he deleted her number so he says, then I find out he just put it under a different name. And since I told him not to talk to her he has tried to call her 1 time (its been about 3 weeks since i confronted him) she didn't answer cause it said like 30 seconds. But it just makes me angry. The time he called was when I went to our lawyers office to give her check for part of his removal proceedings fee. I don't know if i should say something or what. agh.

[Marie]

What did he say when you told him to delete her?

That is weird that he would only call her when you're not around. I agree with you about it being ok to have friends that are girls but it is jacked up that he's only calling when you're not around.

[Rosa]

I don't know....doesn't sound too good when he only calls her when you're not around and now is even trying to hide it from you. I would probably talk to him about it because otherwise it would eat at me.

[KellyKS]

True, it is ok to have friends that are women, but to call when you aren't around isn't right at all. He shouldn't need to call another women when you aren't around unless they are planning a big suprise party for you. :innocent:

[mandee3911]

he said "ok" and i looked and her name wasn't in there but under another name (different name) was the same number, which i wasn't sure it was the same number until today when i looked at his online account and he had tried to call her Wednsday. He also told me he was only calling her because i get jealous and i would get mad. but he said he wouldn't call her anymore. I think she knows she can't answer, because the last times he's called she hasn't. but it just bugs me that hes trying.

[KellyKS]

Geez...that is no good at all. He changes the name thinking you aren't going to notice. DUH!!

[mandee3911]

yea i know right. online it doesn't say the name it only says the phone number. but the thing is, its like he only tried 1 time within like 3 weeks and i don't know if i should bring it up yet. especially since she didn't answer or try and call him back. i'm wondering if i should "build up" evidence. and see what he continues to do. he always its like "who am i with, you or her?" and its like i know he's ALWAYS here with me (since we're both not working) but...If you're talking to a girl on the phone, flirting or anything you can build a relationship that way that can end up changing who you're with.

[llanderos11]

We are all different and we need to go where our hearts tell us. I am very jealous and I told my husband from the beginning. If he did this to me, I would have been furious. The sad part is that it makes you lose trust when you question them about things like this and trust is so hard to get back. Have you talked with him about your feelings yet?

[mandee3911]

I talked to him before when he got out of jail and things like that, and when he says ok i'll delete her number and won't call her anymore. Well he did that, until wednsday, then that call popped up. agh. i just want to know why he calls her, and he just says he used to talk to her and that she's older and things. blah. I am also extremely jealous and he knows that, i even get jealous of his guy friends. but its like, if he called her when i was right there with him (even if i didn't understand everything) i would still be ok with it. its just come on, i was going to pay part of your lawyer fees for you to stay here. agh.

[Yadira86]

Mandee..Thats Crazy....I would go off on him..I would talk to him seriously..I believe you really need to sit down becasue its not fair for you to be thinking your relationship is serious when he's talking to someone else..It he makes suspicious cuz he calls when your not around...Its definately not fair for you..Its better for you to know whats going on...

..I had a similar problem w/my hubby..but it didnt have to do w/ any girl...it was just that he would let people borrow his phone and they would buy games, talk for hours,and guess who had to pay the bill...US>...I told him and he said he wouldnt do but he still did...So i blocked his phone...So no numbers can come in and go if their not on the list..and he cant add any unless you have the code,,,I know it sounds like he doesnt have any privacy..but my husband is to nice and he lets anybody borrow his phone...so when someone borrows it they realize they cant use it...just a suggestion...Good LUk..

[Rosa]

My husband is the same way. He lets his friends use his phone and they run up our minutes. Then we go over the limit and end up having to pay for it. But he's too nice to tell them no or ask them to keep it short. Instead they get on his phone and go walking away with it. It's kinda funny though that the same things that made me fall in love with him are the same things that p*ss me off. :rolleyes:

[discoviking]

If it was only one call after you last confronted him, i would not bring it up again yet. Wait and see if there is a pattern first.

[Caribbeanman]

I'm shocked to hear this mandee after all you been through for him, jail,removal proceedings (ive been there) ...you see some men don't know what they got until it's gone.

[brezarenee]

I wouldn't want to overreact about him making calls when you aren't around. I mean, I get frustrated with my husband when he's on the phone when we're together because we have such little time to spend together, I think it's rude for him to be on the phone. HOWEVER, the fact that he hid her number under another name is super sketchy. I would definitely confront him (calmly) on this. I don't think there's any reason to wait for more evidence. You're just giving yourself more time to steam, and it'd be best to get this off your chest and find out what's going on. Get down to the bottom of this - it might not be as bad as you're thinking.

[jveli]

I am sorry for your troubles. I have been there and done that, and I have SERIOUS trust issues also...just a defense mechanism after being royally screwed over in some of the worst ways...so many times by someone who was supposed to "love and honor" me. When I was reading your post it just brought up so many bad memories and experiences of my past...and I felt like typing a hundred different things to you.

Its WICKED sketchy that he calls only when you are not there and that he put her under another name. I would not confront him on the one call in three weeks, but wait and see if there is a pattern. It would help if you kept a diary on the computer. Everytime your hubby does something...anything...that seems suspicious (sp?)...no matter what...go to the diary, type the date, time, and what the situation was. And when something suspicious shows up on the phone bill even if it is NOT the same number, enter it in the diary...and wait. Even if he says something odd...write about it...and wait. After a while, if your hubby is up to no good, it will show up. AND you will have written proof. Not proof to catch him, but proof for your own piece of mind that you are not losing it or being overly jealous or suspicious of him. It will help down the road when you may have to decide to end the relationship, because no matter what he tells you, you have all the proof you need to know that you were being used/cheated on/lied to...whatever the case is.

My ex did the same thing. He had a co-worker that was a "just a friend", and they would talk on the phone constantly, but only when I was not there...because her number showed up on the Verizon bill (not cell), so I confronted him on it...'Why if you guys work together ALL day do you find it necessary to call her as soon as you get home from work, but I am not home yet? What could you possibly have to talk about?"

Turns out they were having an affair...I am not saying that is what yours is doing...but if it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck...than it must be a duck.

[y14gemini]

okay if its bothering you this bad, then call her yourself. Does she speak English? If not them have a friend translate for you. And if you do call her do not be rude or offensive, be very polite! You get more with sugar!!

[Brisa6]

They will never admit if they are having an affair, you have to find out the hard way. I'm sorry you're going through this, he shouldn't be making calls to her and that's the bottom line. Even if she is a friend he has you and should limit his friendships to men. What happens with this type of friendships is that sometimes they'll talk about spousal problems which end up bringing them closer and that's not good. You have to talk to him and be logical don't go crazy.

[jeannie]

really sounds weird that he only calls her when you are not around.
Why does he even need to be calling her. Let him know that this is not okay and that this disrespectful to you. Don't start a fight about it just let him know that you feel hurt because he does not care about your feelings. Don't treat him like a baby and tell him he "can't" talk to her,just that you would prefer for him to respect you and not talk to her.Don't let him disrespect you anymore(I watch too much dr phil)

[mandee3911]

I did talk to him about it (calmly) a few weeks back cause he has problems about calling people when he's really really drunk and he was trying to call her then, so the next day i talked to him about it. He knows i can look online and see who he calls. And she is puerto rican, doesn't speak english, when he was in jail i had my friend call her. and my friend said that the girls number was on her phone and maybe her friend had called her and asked her if she knew my husband (but didn't say he was married, just asked "do you know ____) she said no. then when he got out of jail he called her (he said to find out why she had sent him messages before) and she told him someone called asking if she knew him and that she said no. So then i asked him if he was calling her and he said no, and i said "why are you lying?" and he said "cause you lied when i asked if you called her." and i said "my friend called her, why did she say she didn't know you". and he was like "i don't know". I was like that weird ya know, how would you feel? and he was all "ya ok no mas" and later on i asked him to delete her number and he said ok, then he wasn't callin her or anything and when he'd go outside to talk on the phone, when he came back in he'd put the phone right down in front of me to basically say "go ahead a look i know you don't trust me" and i wouldn't look because i know he would just get mad. So when he was asleep he left his phone in the living room (he leaves at laying around now after i confronted him) and I went through his contacts and her name was gone, but there was a new name and i looked at the number and it looked awfully similar to the other number. So then I looked online last night and it was the same number. and thats basically what has happened with this situation. and i don't think he's done anything because he is almost ALWAYS with me, we're both not working and we live an hour away from his friends and I'm always here too except when I go to the gym.

[y14gemini]

They will never admit if they are having an affair, you have to find out the hard way. I'm sorry you're going through this, he shouldn't be making calls to her and that's the bottom line. Even if she is a friend he has you and should limit his friendships to men. What happens with this type of friendships is that sometimes they'll talk about spousal problems which end up bringing them closer and that's not good. You have to talk to him and be logical don't go crazy.

Not necessarily true. If he has not told the other woman about his wife and/or kids then she will have no idea. (the same goes for a woman). She could be just as shocked and disgusted for him not telling her. I am not saying this is what happening but alot of times the man (or woman) will not mention what is at home so the other person has no idea. This happens alot. Then what happens is the wife/husband is upset with the "other" person in the relationship but in reality they had no idea either.

Mandee3911, I am not saying that your husband is having an affair so please do not take it that way. All I was saying is if you want to confront her then do it and if it turns out that he is be nice she might not have known about you. Maybe he is calling when you are not arund so it doesn't upset you BUT that doesn't make it right. Cheer up and stay positive, it could just be a misunderstanding.

[mandee3911]

yea well when he called her out of jail he and she said someone called her and asked if she knew him, he said it was his wife probably. so she knows i exist, maybe its why she won't answer. Maybe she is a moral person and doesn't want to cause me to be angry with him. Also when he tries to call, she hasn't been calling him back either. Its like i've already confronted him, and he stopped except for that 1 time on wednsday, and i'm not sure what i should do because it was 1 time, she didn't answer or try to call him back. Part of me is just thinking i should wait and see if it is a habit, i don't want him to know it says the number yet, i think he just thinks it says the name. Because then i can figure out if he thinks he's pulling something over on me. ya know?

[J3NNI]

i am sorry but any woman that is not a married friend of ours that he talks to would be considered wrong. Men who are married and single women cant be friends, that is what my mom says, and she has seen it many times with their other married friends that he will begin to get feelings for her and then start a relationship, men dont seem to have the same conscience (thoughts of and feelings) as us. If this was my DH i would be very worried, do you know this girl? I would go tell her straight up that she needs to lose his # or else.
Jenni

[mandee3911]

i don't know her, but she doesn't call him anymore of even answer his calls. (from his cell phone anyways, i don't know if tries on other phones) i think guys and girls can be friends, all my friends are guys. He doesn't go through my phone or anything like that (he's more trusting i guess) My best friend of 9 years in a guy and i used to be "in love" with him in high school, he's married now but we still talk occasionally. but i don't hide it from him.

[y14gemini]

I mean if its been the one time since you confronted him then wait it out like DV said. Maybe she knows who you are and like you said has morals and doesn't want to have anything to do with him. Just wait it out and do like you have been (checking the bill online, etc).

Good Luck! :)

[mandee3911]

yea, i think thats what i'll do. He still calls his ex in mexico, but he tells me about that and what she's up to. He says they only dated 3 months before he left to come here. but that he knew her and her family for years. That doesn't bother me as much, it did at first because when we fought he'd always drag her photo out and display it somewhere to piss me off. but his whole family knows about me and that we're married and i've talked to 2 of his sisters. so i don't think they'd approve of me and i don't think he'd send photos of us if there was another women there. ya know? and i wouldn't even be mad if he called her when i was around because at least its not secretive.

[J3NNI]

Youi are way more trusting than me, i would be pissed and he would of me if we still spoke to an ex, i gave up all my good guy friends because of this. i love him so i did it for him as he did for me

[pluan]

Do not call the woman, if she is in any way involved with your husband, she will lie to you AND tell your husband about it. Trust me, I've been there. Just quietly gather your evidence.

[mandee3911]

well if he told me i couldn't talk to my best friend anymore then we would have some problems, i know i love my husband, but i don't want to be controlled and especially since i've known my best friend for over 9 years. He lives in another state. I'm not going to call her, I really don't think she wants anything to do with him anymore. because she doesn't call him or pick up when he calls. So If I do gether more evidence and confront him, it would probably be just him trying to call and her not answering. but its still the fact that he's trying. when he told me he would NEVER call her again. I don't want him to know right now that i know he called, cause then he'll think i'm not checking his phone anymore or that i'm too stupid to figure out its the same number and see if he continues.

[carlosalica]

Yeah I agree you guys are WAYY more trusting than me. I trust my husband now, but because he has showed me that he can be trusted. That means he doesn't have any weird phone calls, etc. etc. I would be pissed if my hubby called some lady when only when I wasn't home. I wouldn't even have to watch his "pattern" I mean come on we all know what we got at home if we want to admit it or not. I've had the piece of trash who lies and says oh it was this or that or this person or whatever.. I WON'T do it again. I don't remember who exactly said it, but if it looks like a duck, quacks, like a duck, than it probably is a duck!
What would your husband say if he found the exact thing, you were talking to a man only when he is not home. I don't think he would be too happy about it.

[mandee3911]

yea i used to talk to this person in another state when i wasn't around him, but he didn't know and i didn't say anything about him. but it wasn't anything either. my hubby trust me more i guess he never went through my phone or anything. but he might think differently then i do.

[SAD ANITA]

If it was only one call after you last confronted him, i would not bring it up again yet. Wait and see if there is a pattern first.



I agree with disco ,,, I would just wait and see if there more calls after this one ,,, then I'll definatetly have proof and confront him once gaian


gurl I know ,,, this sucks:innocent:

[monicamamac]

If my husband did that, I'd go crazy! I'm super jealous, but so is he. Is it just a man thing, pulling all this sneaky stuff? I can't imagine feeling like it was ok to go around calling a man behind my husband's back.

[dnatej]

I'm sorry about this! I personally would have gone off! Especially since he was trying to be sneaky by changing the name! Whatever you decide to do, just be calm and think it thru (I knw its harder said than done), just pray about everything, and I will pray for you as well!d

[mandee3911]

I didn't really go behind his back, he just never asked, basically calling my friend when i was bored. but i wasn't like "hey i talked to blah today." ya know? I don't know, we'll see how things go. thanks for everyone's comments.

[jveli]

Mandee3911- I would just be careful. These are just a few things you have written in this thread:

“He also told me he was only calling her because i get jealous and i would get mad.” (WHY would he say or do such a thing to you. You are his wife. It makes no sense to do this.)

“when he came back in he'd put the phone right down in front of me to basically say "go ahead a look i know you don't trust me" and i wouldn't look because i know he would just get mad.” (Again, why would he trivialize your feelings by “daring” you? Is this a game?)

“So If I do gether more evidence and confront him, it would probably be just him trying to call and her not answering. but its still the fact that he's trying. when he told me he would NEVER call her again.” (yes, you are right...it is the fact that he is still trying)

All of these show that he is manipulating you, he is playing games. No, he may not be cheating, but the fact remains that he is being disrespectful. He married you, and the way I see it, marriage is a commitment, he is suppose to be committed to you and the relationship, not playing games.

[mandee3911]

ok i typed what you have as my first quote wrong, he said the only reason he would call her when i wasn't around is because i overreact and would go mad a jealous. But thank you for the comment.