Your tips on surviving apart.....

[KellyKS]

Ok, so my husband was just backlogged this month, but by the looks of things he could be in Mexico for about a year.

I am just wanting to get ideas from others on what has helped you when separated from your spouse. Many people on here have such good ideas that I thought I would get everyone's input on this topic.

That way from the get go...I am doing things to keep our relationship strong, even though it will be a long distance relationship for awhile.

[corazoncita]

FIND STUFF TO DO.... that is my #1 tip. I have noticed that if I stay home and think about how dreadful the situation is, I become depressed. Things I have done to keep me busy are organizing things at my house, reading books, coming on i2us, doing lots of fellowship activities with my church, researching things online. You can take a painting or culinary class or something. I have even thought about taking a dance class so I can surprise my hubby with all my moves! I have also thought about taking some Spanish courses at the community college so that I can better communicate with my in-laws. You can put energy into exercise or diet goals... whatever you want!

I always try to make sure my husband knows how much I miss him, and how proud I am of him for staying strong. If my husband is happy, then I am happy. The very second my husband becomes pessimistic, it puts me in a TERRIBLE mood. Encourage optimism... if you are a religious family, talk about God and how your faith is growing through this tumultuous time. My hubby and I read our Bibles and discuss passages a lot. Focus on what you will do when he comes back. We discuss our hopes and dreams, plans for future family, buying a home, where we will live, etc. We also write each other love letters...

My marriage is a million times better today than it was even a year ago. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder!!

[Laura]

I would say try to visit as often as possible, more often than is possible really. Look for cheap flights, even if you go for an extended weekend. Our communication really suffered talking on our cell phones and things became progressively more distant. I wish I would have been a little less prudent with money and just gone to visit on long weekends when I had the chance.

Another thing that I believe would have helped would be having regular access to skype with cameras. If he can get internet access at his house you can talk and see each other and it's free (I think). That would probably be good for communication. The cell phone thing was hard for us.

[DeBenny]

I have no advice to provide on this (thankfully, I have not endure this and I hope that I don't have to). I just wanted to share this: God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. May God provide you with the comfort to endure this separation.

[elsa27]

I just wanted to let you know that I am going through the same thing as you. My husband's waiver was backlogged on march 3rd and as soon as he called me the tears just rolled down. The hardest part was when my daughter and i had to say goodbye to come back home in the US. But to be honest what's helped me out a lot is prayer and just talking everyday with him. We have a family share plan with our cell phone company so we get to talk on the phone number for an unlimited amount of minutes. The house where he stay has good signal to reach the El Paso tours. At any rate, it's been difficult, I won't lie. I miss him so much and I can't imagine living the next year without him but that's just the reality we're living. Just pray and don't lose faith is all I can say.

[ujcdv]

My wife and I talk everyday 4 times a day on the phone, sometimes it's just for a few minutes, other times its for 20 or 30minutes. We use the internet once in a while, but the qaulity of video confrencing is not very good, she just does not have enough bandwidth there at the cafe.

I go see her and the kids every 3 months for a week. I vist her family here often too (I like them more than my own family).

It was very difficult for us at first, but we both feel our marrige has solidified and become more close because this is a difficult time for us. Our relationship was never the problem, it's the crappy laws we have to deal with.

So, that is how we have been coping.

[llanderos11]

My husband and I talk on the phone almost everyday. We are happy together even when we don't have anything to say. I always tell him that I love him because I know that he needs to hear it. We also visit as much as possible. I am in KY and he is in Chiapas so it is expensive but I have been dedicated to seeing him at least every 4 months. I am going to try for every 2 months this year, even if we just fly to Mexico City for a weekend. In fact, I am going to see him this weekend. Just for 3 days but I'll take it!

Be careful with the family plans on the cell phones. That is free calling domestically but not internationally. You have to get an International plan and even then it costs me 8 cents/min and $.40/min. if I go over my plan minutes. His phone is always 80 cents/min for Intl. roaming and a million dollars/min. if we go over our plan minutes.

The first few months were the hardest. I was so depressed that it was hard to get out of bed so I worked as many hours as possible and kept busy. Now I get sad but the depression has passed. To tell you the truth, the separation has made us appreciate each other more and I think that we love each other more now than before if that is possible. One thing is sure and that is that we will never take each other for granted again.

This too shall pass. Take care and stay strong.

[nineten]

laurafern11's comment about skype with the cameras....a webcam is great and might work better if there is a landline or using an aircard since ujcdv said there wan't enough bandwidth at the cafe.

There was a thread a couple months ago that had a lot of good information about the phone cards and mentioned one company that was outstanding. I'd have to search for that thread.

It's going to be a big expense for us to change over to the walkie-talkie phones in place of the ones we now use, the new phone and contract, etc. But we plan to use the walkie-talkies and we've been practicing with the built-in webcam we have on our laptops. It's all going to be a big expense in relation to verbal correspondence. I think the walkie-talkies are the way to go with Sprints plan to Mexico with unlimited calls.

Learning Spanish would be good while he's gone so that when he returns he'll be surprised to see how much you've learned. That can keep ones mind occupied. A lot of volunteer work can make you feel better knowing you're helping others and that is 'uplifting' and can give you a mental boost.

The only thing I can say about the one-year wait is don't look at it likes it's forever. It isn't although it seems like it.

[Chapital]

I could probably go on for pages....Like others have said it is really important to find an affordable way to talk to each other. I talk to my husband at least once a day and that helps us to stay connected. I also try to keep him in the loop on decisions, etc going on in my life here. For example, house repairs, etc. I could make the decisions by myself just fine, but I still want us to be in this together, so i sharw with him, get him input and let him help in the decision making. He also tells me all about what the kids are doing, etc. We started praying together each night when we found out he was backlogged. It really gives us good perspective. I think you also need to give each other the benefit of the doubt and some slack when it comes to your relationship. You cannot always expect the same level of attention that you'd get it you were face to face. The longest we've ever gone without seeing each other in 3 months. That is a long time. I wish I could take more time off work to see them every 2 months. We also try to take a day away just as a couple. On my last visit we got a hotel downtown Mexico City for the night, went out to dinner and went shopping. It was tough to leave the kids, but made us feel more like a couple again.

For me personally, I made a list of projects that I really want to get done. Although I am often lonely, I am always busy and productive. That helps.
Probably my biggest piece of advice is to focus your attention and time on things that you CAN control. If you focus on how unfair this process is or how if you had only written something different in your HSL, etc., you will only end up sad, confused and angry. If you focus on what you can control (your attitude, your daily activites, your service to others, etc) then you will find the strength you need. I realized the other day that this expereince has changed my internal wiring. I used to be rarely crisi free in my life, yet I was always seeing the negative in others, self, situations. Now, despite a seemingly overwhelming trial, I find joy in most everything. I admit to having my moments of despair and sadness, but I come through them stronger and better...you will too!!!

[ujcdv]

Some of the coments for this topic are fantastic!

My marriage is a million times better today than it was even a year ago. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder!!

I feel the same way.

I just wanted to share this: God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

Perfect! I could not have said it better. What a great quote.

When we talk, she buys monutes for her cell there. I use a landline and 10-10-123 and my phone bill is never more than $65 dollars. What gets me is Western Union, they charge to much.

[mrs.Lema623]

This is a great thread!!! Well before I went to Ecuador the second time, we used to talk on the phone every day and I was spending at least $10.00 a day but when I went now I took my laptop and now we chat through msn messenger everyday. We talk about everything and anything, and inform each other of every step we are going to take, like what we are doing, were we are going, etc. It helps us feel as if we are close together.

I also keep my self busy, in I2us, with family, and I just started working out and going to a prayer group.

The separation it’s hard no matter what, but I believe it has made our relationship a lot stronger and we appreciate each other a whole lot more. Many people told me "this separation will either make you or brake you" and I must say it definitely made us.

[navywife03]

well i know it hard but bascially keep yourself busy..while i was in mexico i found a job something that i could do seens i cant really write to well in spanish..my husband on the other hand in the states had work to keep him busy..he also start to workout and took a few hubbys...so the time would also go by for him..yea there are times that u will break down but hey we are all human and once in awhile we will get down..cause i also that in my husband..i would think hey his strong cause his in the military but men also have feelings...i hope the best for u and remember we are hrere for u..take care

[Dorothea]

Kelly, trying to stay busy is great advise. You have kids, so that shouldn't be too hard (especially with school and work!)!!:rolleyes:
Talking on the phone helps, and you really have to work hard hard hard not to fight about silly things, and to communicate openly about your feelings. Talking on the phone can really complicate things sometimes.... But you and your husband will figure that all out soon enough. And talking via webcam is a good thing. Elias and I are only able to do it about once a month or so, but it really does help just to see his face.

For me, visiting the last time actually really set me back into a bad place. I swore I wouldn't go see him again until we KNEW when and how we would be living together. For example, if I knew for a fact I'd be going back to live with him in August I'd go in June to visit. But right now I don't know, so I can't bring myself to see him.
My mom hinted this weekend that buying me a plane ticket would be a graduation gift (which is so amazing!), but I don't think I can handle it right now... Seeing him in November and then having to leave with NO idea when we'd see eachother again really did me a lot of damage...
If it is inexpensive enough that you could visit him regularly then that would be great, but being all the way in NY and him all the way down in Qro. it just doesn't work out.
I'll be thinking about you lots... just give yourself time to adjust.

[inlimbo]

Move to Mexico! :p Just kidding. That's not an option for everyone, and definitely doesn't do away with problems and complications! For the approx. 6 months we were living apart, we spent a fortune talking by phone. Neither of us had any self-control when it came to that and we talked pretty much every day for extended periods of time. I would highly recommend finding some way to use the internet, though internet isn't exactly cheap in Mexico. One thing that might really be worth investing some money in is your husband getting a land line at home if he doesn't already have one. It is so much more expensive to call from the US to cell phones in Mexico.
Also, I think letters are really nice every now and then, even though it's not the fastest form of communication, because it's a nice surprise to brighten someone's day. My fiance used to send me little packages from Mexico every once in a while. He even ordered flowers online to have delivered to my job (that actually made me feel awful at the time but it was a sweet thing to do!!)

Visiting is also really wonderful if you can manage it financially, though I agree with Dorothea that it can be so painful and horrible also if you don't know when you'll see each other again.

The whole thing is difficult but just remember to take it a day at a time.

[dnatej]

I cant help much, because I am trying to get thru this myself, and it is very difficult! Staying busy is def a big thing, even when I cant sleep at night, I pick up a book and read myself to sleep! Just try to stay as busy as possible, and visit when you can. I knw that visiting often is not something everyone can do. For example I was with him in Nov, then again in Dec, then had to wait until March, and since my son is now down there with him, I HAVE to go, and I am flying out for like 2days next month, and after that I will plan for the next trip! Also, try and communicate as much as possible, I knw its not very cheap for some, but we found that installing a phone into the house he is staying in and me calling with a calling card, would get us a long way! Find the cheapest way of communicating, and try to talk for a while, as often as possible (we talk anywhere from 30-60minutes EVERY night). I cant say that it gets easier, but we learn to TRY and deal with it! I keep praying all the time, as my hubby does, and we have faith that we can get thru this! I will be praying for you, like I do for all of us going thru this mess, and just think: someday this will all be behind us, and just anotherl memory, and think how much our relationships will be after enduring such difficult times! God Bless...sending you lots of hugs!

[Glühbirne]

If there's any possible way you can rearrange your life enough to move to Mexico, do it! I lived in Mexico with my husband for two years. It was difficult, but well worth it. We lived on the border so that I could still work in the United States.

Being able to continue to live together as a regular couple was a HUGE asset and help to getting through the stress. Also, living in Mexico helped to grow our relationship because I got to experience Mexico on a day-to-day basis, rather than just as a visitor, which helped me to gain a better understanding of the country and culture, and therefore of my husband.

I know it's just not an option for everyone to pick up and move, but I must say that in my case, it was the best decision I could have made.

[monicamamac]

All the answers to your question were great. I've been wondering the same thing myself.

[Rox&Ari05]

i too cant give much advice bc i am going thru it myself. this is the first time my husband and i have been seperated for this amount of time. my hubby and i never imagined 2 years ago that we would be in this situation to have ten years seperating us. it is not an easy topic to talk about. but i too tell my hubby everyday that i love him and how proud i am of us that we are strong enough to get through this. we talk everyday for about 30-45 minutes everday....i think the longest we have gone without talking to eachother is three days and that was really hard. i also keep him updated on everything that is happening here and he tells me what is going on down there. we talk about our plans and when i am going to come down again and that keeps us excited. i also whish that i could go see him more bt i am one of thos people that cant go every two monts.

i would def make a decision soon what you guys are going to do about your living situation, whether you move to the city your husband is from, move to border city, or move closer to the US and mexico border to be closer to him as soon as possiple. the longer you wait the harder it is.

i have also kept my slef busy. i go visit his family as much as possible and we call my hubby when i am over there, so it feels like we are all together:blush:. i also make plans to go at visit old friends and make lunch dates. i also spend time doing projects that need to be done and i see my family on a regular basis. i even went back to church after four years of putting Jesus to the side or in a box. so keeping busy is a good thing.

all in all make an effort to talk as often as you can keep your slef busy, find your faith if you belive and remeber that GOD NEVER GIVES US MORE THEN WE CAN HANDLE AND IT IS NOT GODS FAULT! HE LOVES US JUST REACH OUT TO HIM.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE IN THIS DIFFICULT TIME. STAY STRONG YOU ARE IN MY PRAYERS.

[y14gemini]

Always stand by your man no matter how bad the fight gets and ALWAYS tell him you love him!

[y14gemini]

Let me clarify what I mean by stand by:
1. Never throw in his face the situation at hand
2. Try to understand the situation at hand (sometimes they may ramble about things that do not make sense, but still try to understand)
3. If you are able to, go and see him as often as you can
4. Send care packages from home (updated photos of yourself and kids, of the house he used to live in, clothes, love letters, etc)

And as I stated before tell him you love him!! :love:

[KellyKS]

Thanks everyone for your ideas and words of encourgement. I really needed it today, I was really missing my husband today. Maybe because it is Sunday and that is the one day that we for sure would be all together as family.

Tomorrow I start back to work after not working for about 5 weeks. So it should get better, today was a downer kind of day.

Everyone keep giving more tips, it really is encourging to hear what one can do. Sending a care package, didn't think of that. Sounds like a good idea. But through what company is the best way to send things to Mexico?

[mrs.Lema623]

GOD NEVER GIVES US MORE THEN WE CAN HANDLE AND IT IS NOT GODS FAULT! HE LOVES US JUST REACH OUT TO HIM.

:ditto:

[y14gemini]

Thanks everyone for your ideas and words of encourgement. I really needed it today, I was really missing my husband today. Maybe because it is Sunday and that is the one day that we for sure would be all together as family.

Tomorrow I start back to work after not working for about 5 weeks. So it should get better, today was a downer kind of day.

Everyone keep giving more tips, it really is encourging to hear what one can do. Sending a care package, didn't think of that. Sounds like a good idea. But through what company is the best way to send things to Mexico?


My husband is in Honduras, but try www.dipshipping.com I just found out (not to long ago) that they started service to Mexico. Other than that try some of the bodegas in your area (the ones that specialize in Mexican foods).

[llanderos11]

I stopped using Western Union - way too much. I have an account with National City Bank and I sent my hubbie a debit card. He can pull money from most any ATM in Mexico for a 2% fee plus a $1.50 transaction fee. Way cheaper and he doesn't have to go stand in line.

Some of the coments for this topic are fantastic!




I feel the same way.



Perfect! I could not have said it better. What a great quote.

When we talk, she buys monutes for her cell there. I use a landline and 10-10-123 and my phone bill is never more than $65 dollars. What gets me is Western Union, they charge to much.

[llanderos11]

I always send my stuff Express Mail. It is a little expensive but it always makes it.

Work will help so much. That is what has kept me going for over a year. I know that it is my part of all this fiasco - to work and take care of everything. He has 2 kids in college, I have 1. He has 2 kids in HS, I have 1. Between my hubby and I, we have enough kids to make a basketball team. They always need something plus I am taking care of the bills, taxes and payroll. It keeps me going.

[Dorothea]

I always go to the regular post office and ship via Express Mail. Like llanderos said, it gets a little pricey, but I have NEVER (knock on wood!) had one of those packages lost, which is a miracle. I sent a digital camera once, and it took a little longer because they opened it and then charged my husband quite a bit to pick it up ($50), but that's the only package they've ever searched.
Last week I sent him a package with 2 pairs of shoes, the last Harry Potter en espanol, and a pair of shorts (shipping cost @ $50), and I couldn't believe it only took 1.5 weeks. Usually it's 2 weeks or a little more. I love to send him packages... makes me feel like we are in touch, plus he loves presents. Can't afford to do it very much, but every couple months I try to send him something.

[Chapital]

I too have sent my husband an ATM card to access cash. It is cheaper and easier than wiring money.

I don't send lots of packages, but any time I have needed to send a legal document I also add a few flat goodies (stickers, photos, etc) to make the package a bit more fun. I have sent FedEx and DHL with no huge issues.

Kelly, this is still so recent and the emotions are fresh and raw. That's OK...it takes some time to adjust to the new normal and to develop a thicker emotional skin. Good luck...we understand!

[chilanga]

I agree with what laurafern said about visiting maybe a little more than what is possible. That's what I did to help us get through the time. In the 3 years he was gone, I went to Mexico 12 times. The first time I went, I stayed for a month. Every holiday, every birthday, I asked my family to forgo presents and just give money instead and I used that in purchasing airline tickets.

The other thing is communication. I talked with my husband everyday, twice a day. He eventually got a cell phone down there and then we added texting to the mix. Because Telmex charges them for even local calls after they pass 100 calls in a months time, the internet thing never really took off for us. We did do it on occasion and then we utilized a webcam. Otherwise, I was a regular over at Hidalgo Market every Friday picking up 3 phone cards a week.

:)

[RMJM30]

Well I'm currently in the first stage of our seperation. My husband has been gone for a total of 6 weeks. We have already gone to see him during my kids spring break and we plan to go during the 4th of July for one week. The most we have gone without calling each other is 3 days. And that was heck my kids were starting to act up because they had not heard from their dad but we decided we needed to talk to each other everyday if it was atleast for 10 minutes. But fortunately our phone company has a service that provides 3000 minutes of international time for 20 bucks per month. I figured that's a heck of a lot less than buying a 5 dollar calling card and only getting an hour a day. So we have no excuse for not keeping in touch. He sends me e-mails and those are the ones I love most because he expresses his feelings more and I don't expect them so that is extra special to me. So I think as long as you keep your lines of communication open you'll be just fine. Good luck to you and yours.

[chulatica]

You can try going to a gym for sometime and working out.
I go to the park M-F and walk around the track with my sister, nephews and my daughter. You can also try watching novelas if you like them and how about Reality shows?
I also cook and clean and when I know it the day has gone by so fast without me even realizing.
You know what kind of helps me is my family for taking me out and letting me know im not alone.

Don't ever loose communication with your husband. If you can try calling each other every day then do so. You know what to be honest my husband calls me in the night just to see what we've done so far the whole day.
Sometimes we don't have nothing to talk about and its ok so we just talk the next day.
Also try visiting him whenever you can and try looking for cheap tickets ahead of time.

Its hard but you will get through this and later on you will be reunited forever!
Lets keep faith!

[jolantarenee]

I agree with laurafern and chilaga about visiting. Because that's that we are doing, even though we can't really afford it, but at the end we'll get more and more distant if we do not see each other. He comes to visit every 2 months, which is still not enough. The phone conversations don't really work for us, either. We need to see each other.Everytime I see him, I fall in love with him all over again.It's such an amazing feeling...He is great person and he is worth waiting for.

[christytorres]

me and my husband were seperated for almost 2 years..but the good thing is that I moved to south texas where my family is. and well he was in Monterrey Mx. I was 3 hours away..We would take turns going back and forth..I would go see him and then he would come and visit me at the border town that was 20 min from my apt. we did that for almost 2 years..back and forth..I rode the bus for 3 hours..i would stay for the weekend..and come back sunday night..its hard..but we did it..good luck..

[ncruzrangel]

I visited my husband about every two months, either where he is from or at the border. Other than that we would also talk on the phone every weekend usually at least 30 minutes. We would send each other text messages during the week. We made it, but if you also have contact with his friends or family stay in contact with them too that way you feel like you are closer and know what all is going on.

[Nepthys]

I call my husband everyday. Even if it is only for 10 minutes. I need to hear his voice and have that contact. I have also went down to visit him. I spent 20 days on Dec. 2006. Then 7 weeks in the summer. Then when I went to get him in November we spent 4 days together. Now it has been months again. Contact is very important. Emails, letters, phone calls, and visits. Stay in contact. I miss him ever single day but don't tell him as much any more because it just makes him sad.

[KellyKS]

My husband and I have been calling everyday. I just went to the store today and bought some more calling cards. Plus my husband said that they will put internet in his parents house, not sure how soon, maybe once he gets working. He is also wanting a car down there, he said he can get a better job if he can drive there, but we will see what happens. If he can get a cheap car and borrow the money or if his brothers can help him buy one.

I think it is harder on my husband right now, since he isn't working yet and I am here in the US with the girls, so he is alone. Well, he is with his parents and other family, but he said it isn't the same. Because myself and the girls are his family.

I started back to work yesterday and am in school also, so I am very very busy. So not much extra time right now.

I tell him I miss him, but don't go into it to much, because he already is saying he won't last in Mexico. I said he will, that he isn't working yet and the first weeks will be the hardest.

My plan is to go and visit in the summer, but not sure when yet. Depends on whether I leave the girls there for the summer or we just all go and visit. Then I am going to really try hard to go down for Christmas. I don't have the money, but at least we have a relative that will lend us the money and we can pay back in a few years when we get back on our feet. So at least it is doable at this point in time.

Good thing too, is that I am close to his family members and feel they communicate well with me and vice versa. One of my husband's brother's has e-mailed me for years, so we have contact that way also. So I am sure I will hear about how things are going down there from his brother also. His family seems to like me so that is good also. Though me being able to communicate in Spanish helps alot with that.

Keep the tips coming...I have enjoyed the advice and ideas I have been getting here.