The talk with husband

[angela256z]

Well the talk started out pretty bad. He was telling me that he don't know why god brought me into his life and why this or why that. So I ended that with well I can't be the person you want me to be if you don't let me know about your life. I told him I was not a mind reader and that if he has problems that he needs to talk to me about it cause that is what I promised him when I married him.

Quiet....He watches TV for about 20 minutes. Then starts to talk.

He is having problems at work because the old nice boss quit and a new guy is there. My husband is one of the longest working employees at his job and now the new boss is treating him like he is new and trying to change his schedule and give the new guy his shifts. He said that the new guy does not treat him nice at all. He is afraid to go above the new guys head to someone else because of his status and he likes his job.

He is depressed with other things too. He misses home. He misses his mom and wants to go home. He says that he feels alone that no one is there for him. I told him that I was there for him and he said I mean my other family. He says that he knows that I am there for him, but he doesn't want to put pressure on me cause he knows that I am depressed and sad right now. I start couseling in about a week. I told him that he should start and he said no I am scared. I can't really talk to a person about things cause of my situation. he is afraid that the Dr. will call immigration. He said that if it wasn't a sin to kill himself he would do it.

I asked him what could I do for him and he said he didn't know. So now I think I know this may be why he was getting all angry. He said that he tried to talk to his brother about it, but he said he wouldn't listen. he says he feels like his family does not care about him anymore.

I don't remember if I told you I had someone "read his cards". She told me that he was depressed and that soon he would have problems at work and that no matter how many people he is with he always feels alone.

What do I do guys? We talked and I thought maybe if he would cry and stop trying to be a man cause I know when I am really depressed that crying makes me feel a little better but instead he laid down and I just held him until he slept. He told me he was really sorry for all the mean stuff lately and that he is trying to be better. He said this is one of the reasons he is not ready to have a baby cause he does not feel like he is in a state for it. So I think again we are going to put that off.

He also thinks that the delay in our immigration papers is a sign that he doesn't deserve it.

What do I do? I think he is right about seeing a couselor. It would be hard for me to trust them too. His family here are all drunks and party people. His brother is good. His brother has this girl that he was dating who turns him against my husband. his girlfrind said that my husband asked to sleep with her. I know that is not true. She also said that two of their cousins asked to sleep with her too. Well my BIL was single and dating people, but now he is seeing the ex again and I think that upsets my husband too. I know that is not his problem, but she turns everyone against people. She starts problems. She is good friends with my husbands ex and she made problems for us one time when we went out dancing by calling his ex to come to the club. She is trouble.

My MIL wants my husband to come home. She is worried about him. Should I just send him home until it is time for the papers? ok I think I started to ramble here, but any advise, suggestions let me know.

Thanks for listening.

[JennyM]

Well first off, the Dr has Dr/patient confidentiality...and you can sue the dr if they release information as for all the other stuff angela, you and your husband need to discuss that, you are the only one who know if you can live without him for another year or less. You need to make that decision on your own.

[angela256z]

Well first off, the Dr has Dr/patient confidentiality...and you can sue the dr if they release information as for all the other stuff angela, you and your husband need to discuss that, you are the only one who know if you can live without him for another year or less. You need to make that decision on your own.

I know about the Dr/Patient laws cause I worked in a clinic, but that is something that I have to convince my husband of and I really don't trust people these days. I mean my own mom doesn't even know the full truth.

I know the decision on him going home is up to us. I think I could do it cause I can travel there easily, but even though he says he would like to go I don't think he is really ready.

[TorresSanchezKing]

Oh, I'm so sorry for the both of you! *sends big hugs* I wish there were a magic wand that I could wave to make things better, trust me. Would it help for him to speak with someone else in the process? I know that my hubby started coming out of his depression when he was able to speak to a couple of other guys in the same place. It's always nice to know that you aren't the only one going through this hell, and while all of us wives/girlfriends sympathize deeply I know that we can't truly understand the fear as someone in that position would.

I say that your hubby needs to figure out what will make him feel better. I started crying when I read that he wanted to take his own life, but wouldn't because it's a sin. I'm so sorry that he has hit rock bottom and again I wish that there was something that I could do to help. Even if you need us to drive up there and throw our hubbies together, then lock them in a room for a couple days I'll be happy to! *more huggles*

[JennyM]

I know about the Dr/Patient laws cause I worked in a clinic, but that is something that I have to convince my husband of and I really don't trust people these days. I mean my own mom doesn't even know the full truth.

I know the decision on him going home is up to us. I think I could do it cause I can travel there easily, but even though he says he would like to go I don't think he is really ready.

Then I guess you have your answer! :)

[MTRACKSPORT]

HANG IN THERE GIRL. TAKE A ROAD TRIP FOR THE WEEKEND AND COME OVER TO THE EAST SIDE OF THE MOUNTAINS. WE ARE JUST A COUPLE HRS AWAY. HOME AND GARDEN SHOW THIS WEEKEND AT THE SUN DOME OR COME LATER AND GO TO TRI-CITIES TO COLUMBIA CENTER FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND. (REAL STRESS REMOVER) no work,NO IMMIGRATION , NO PROBLEMS. ///THINK ABOUT IT// (((RED LOBSTER IS ON US)))

[FloresFamilia]

Angela,

I am sorry about your husband's emotional state. I knew when I read that he was lashing out at you that he would sooner or later let you know what was really going on. My husband has gone through his states of depression with too much stress/ missing home/ feeling alone at times. I have never managed to talk him into counseling. But, I have encouraged him to reach out to guy friends or talk to me about it and that has helped. Where is your husband from btw???

[angela256z]

I started crying when I read that he wanted to take his own life, but wouldn't because it's a sin. I'm so sorry that he has hit rock bottom and again I wish that there was something that I could do to help. Even if you need us to drive up there and throw our hubbies together, then lock them in a room for a couple days I'll be happy to! *more huggles*

I had no clue he was in that state either. I mean I know I am his wife and I should know these things, but he just stopped talking to me about things. Now that he has opened up I can start to be different. I have been so rapped up in my own depression with my sister, my aunt, immigration that I think no only was he not telling me, but I wasn't seeing it. Now that I know I can take a whole different look at it.

HANG IN THERE GIRL. TAKE A ROAD TRIP FOR THE WEEKEND AND COME OVER TO THE EAST SIDE OF THE MOUNTAINS. WE ARE JUST A COUPLE HRS AWAY. HOME AND GARDEN SHOW THIS WEEKEND AT THE SUN DOME OR COME LATER AND GO TO TRI-CITIES TO COLUMBIA CENTER FOR A ROMANTIC WEEKEND. (REAL STRESS REMOVER) no work,NO IMMIGRATION , NO PROBLEMS. ///THINK ABOUT IT// (((RED LOBSTER IS ON US)))

Thanks MTrack....He does like Yakima. Maybe getting away is what we need. I mean i know that I need it, but getting him to take time off is not easy. I will see. I was looking into this nice resort just last weekend.

Angela,

I am sorry about your husband's emotional state. I knew when I read that he was lashing out at you that he would sooner or later let you know what was really going on. My husband has gone through his states of depression with too much stress/ missing home/ feeling alone at times. I have never managed to talk him into counseling. But, I have encouraged him to reach out to guy friends or talk to me about it and that has helped. Where is your husband from btw???

That is a good idea, but like I said he is around a not so encouraging group of people. He has told me he has talked to people at work that has done it, but I don't think that is good enough cause the two at work got to adjust in the US.

My husband is from Edo De Mexico. A little city just outside of Toluca. What about your husband?

[bakingmama]

I'm new here but I thought I'd give me 2 cents. My fiance went thru something similar. He was lonely also bec he doesn't have close family. He left MX abt 18 yrs ago and never seen his parents or siblings again. His only family are the kids we have and me. When he felt really alone and depressed I knew right off and just cried with him and held him and told him that everything will be okay. I always tell him, "Mi amor, what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, hang in there love". I always make sure to hug him and make him smile and tell him I love him throughout the day, everyday. I let him know that he's my first priority then the kids bec without him I wouldn't have them. We are catholic too so we have made our faith our strength. I hope you feel better and just remember that there is a reason for everything.

[FloresFamilia]

My husband is from Colotlan, Jalisco (between Guadalajara and Zacatecas.

Sometimes I make the mistake of trying to advise/help my husband with work problems. To him I have discovered he feels like I am not being sympathetic or taking the others side. My intentions are just to help him see it might not be as bad as it seems. But, I have learned he really needs a listening ear to vent and b**ch with/to about work.
I think just your asking and him now feeling like he can tell you what he is feeling may help.

What about counseling through a priest/church??? They are usually very sympathetic to the immigration issues and also extremely confidential.

[1MessedUpSourPatchKid]

He is depressed with other things too. He misses home. He misses his mom and wants to go home. He says that he feels alone that no one is there for him. I told him that I was there for him and he said I mean my other family. He says that he knows that I am there for him, but he doesn't want to put pressure on me cause he knows that I am depressed and sad right now. I start couseling in about a week. I told him that he should start and he said no I am scared. I can't really talk to a person about things cause of my situation. he is afraid that the Dr. will call immigration. He said that if it wasn't a sin to kill himself he would do it.

I asked him what could I do for him and he said he didn't know. So now I think I know this may be why he was getting all angry. He said that he tried to talk to his brother about it, but he said he wouldn't listen. he says he feels like his family does not care about him anymore.




Angela, I'm going through the exact same thing as your husband. I feel so freaking lonely I can just cry for hours. This immigration process is exausting on everyone but at the end of the day we are the ones afraid of immigration picking us up. I'm terrified of being arrested or something like that.

I can't call my family in mexico every single day. I've never experienced this before. I mean I've been lonely before but I was always strong enough to overcome my feelings of sadness. Today I'm not sure that I can continue with this.

My heart breaks apart every time I see a denial on here because I think that could be me.

There is really not much you can do for your man except try to listen to him whenever he needs to talk. If he is like me he will have a hard time trying to get it out. I do that to my husband sometimes and I can see his frustration but I can't help it. My family in mexico are just a memory in my mind and sometimes when I talk to them over the phone I feel like there is no connection between us anymore.

A get away could be a good idea. If you figure out how to get your hubby out of his depression please pass the recipe because I am in the exact same boat.

[Rox&Ari05]

Well my situation was a little diff. When my husband and i started his paper work he was so ecstatic and he really didnt go throuhg a depression stage here bc all of his family is here, his mom, brothers, sister and me and my family. Well now that we have been forced to seperate he and i are really depresed. He feels now that he is lonelier then ever and ust wants to come home, but i wont let him. I try to call him every day but i think that is getting old and that is why i have made a decision to move closer to the border so that i can see him as often as i can.

I whish i can say that it gets better, but i cant bc i dont know if it does. I want it to get better, but may be a nice vacation is nice to get away from everything. We used to do that when we started everything. it was nice just to get away and not worry for once.

[tasksgirl]

Oh girl..! I am SO sorry.. I know men handle depression differently than we do and that they don't like to show it.. so it is BIG that he finally did talk to you.. you just have to really really be there for him.. I dunno how close you guys are cuz I know some couples are closer than others but this could be the time to really strengthen your relationship and your bond.. he shouldn't be feeling alone :( aww girl I am so sad !! :( I am very worried because of what he said - that he would kill himself if it wasn't a sin.. that gives me an idea.. it sounds like he is religious? Or at least has great respect for it.. maybe he could talk to a priest or find some kind of hispanic church with someone there he could feel comfortable talking to? That he knows would not judge him for his status? I know a long time ago my mom was depressed and went to some program at a church where they pair you up with a friend to counsel you and they became best friends pretty much.. churchs can have good programs and they are a lot less likely to report him..

[tasksgirl]

oops noticed someone else had mentioned the church thing.. well it sounds like a good idea.. I really hope things get better for you guys .. just try to talk to eachother more and set aside more time to be alone together..

[Emily]

Well the talk started out pretty bad. He was telling me that he don't know why god brought me into his life and why this or why that. So I ended that with well I can't be the person you want me to be if you don't let me know about your life. I told him I was not a mind reader and that if he has problems that he needs to talk to me about it cause that is what I promised him when I married him.

Quiet....He watches TV for about 20 minutes. Then starts to talk.

He is having problems at work because the old nice boss quit and a new guy is there. My husband is one of the longest working employees at his job and now the new boss is treating him like he is new and trying to change his schedule and give the new guy his shifts. He said that the new guy does not treat him nice at all. He is afraid to go above the new guys head to someone else because of his status and he likes his job.

He is depressed with other things too. He misses home. He misses his mom and wants to go home. He says that he feels alone that no one is there for him. I told him that I was there for him and he said I mean my other family. He says that he knows that I am there for him, but he doesn't want to put pressure on me cause he knows that I am depressed and sad right now. I start couseling in about a week. I told him that he should start and he said no I am scared. I can't really talk to a person about things cause of my situation. he is afraid that the Dr. will call immigration. He said that if it wasn't a sin to kill himself he would do it.

I asked him what could I do for him and he said he didn't know. So now I think I know this may be why he was getting all angry. He said that he tried to talk to his brother about it, but he said he wouldn't listen. he says he feels like his family does not care about him anymore.

I don't remember if I told you I had someone "read his cards". She told me that he was depressed and that soon he would have problems at work and that no matter how many people he is with he always feels alone.

What do I do guys? We talked and I thought maybe if he would cry and stop trying to be a man cause I know when I am really depressed that crying makes me feel a little better but instead he laid down and I just held him until he slept. He told me he was really sorry for all the mean stuff lately and that he is trying to be better. He said this is one of the reasons he is not ready to have a baby cause he does not feel like he is in a state for it. So I think again we are going to put that off.

He also thinks that the delay in our immigration papers is a sign that he doesn't deserve it.

What do I do? I think he is right about seeing a couselor. It would be hard for me to trust them too. His family here are all drunks and party people. His brother is good. His brother has this girl that he was dating who turns him against my husband. his girlfrind said that my husband asked to sleep with her. I know that is not true. She also said that two of their cousins asked to sleep with her too. Well my BIL was single and dating people, but now he is seeing the ex again and I think that upsets my husband too. I know that is not his problem, but she turns everyone against people. She starts problems. She is good friends with my husbands ex and she made problems for us one time when we went out dancing by calling his ex to come to the club. She is trouble.

My MIL wants my husband to come home. She is worried about him. Should I just send him home until it is time for the papers? ok I think I started to ramble here, but any advise, suggestions let me know.

Thanks for listening.

Ahhh this is so sad. If he's talking about killing himself that can never be good:(. Try to convince him to see a counselor. Tell him they can't call immigration because they have to abide by confidentiality rules. The only way a counselor can reveal what has been said during a session is is the person is about to commit a crime/ or the counselor has been subpoenaed by a higher court.

I actually read the cards; it is a gift that I was born with. My husbands family calls me the familia Bruja, lol. Interesting that the Tarot reader knew your husband was depressed.

[tasksgirl]

I actually believe in those cards sometimes LOL although everyone says it is just a trick.. my MIL went to one before and they knew alot even about my family and my MIL never even told her how many kids she had or anything.. Emily can you read mine somehow virtually or something?? :bounce:

[brezarenee]

angela - I'm so sorry to hear that your husband and you are going through such a difficult time. After listening to your story, I believe it is imperative that you find a way to get him to talk to a therapist, a doctor, a priest, a social worker, or someone else who has training in counseling. All of these people would be under confidentiality agreements, but to be honest, to me it sounds like this is the least of your worries. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously no matter what. They are a cry for help and a reflection of truly severe depressive thoughts - especially in young men.

I know it seems very difficult to get him to go to a counseler, but I think by expressing your love, concern, and overwhelming worry for him, he will eventually give in. I've gotten my husband to talk to a therapist a few times going this route. Telling him how much I love and will always be there for him no matter what and that my job is to take care of him no matter what. The counseler won't be able to make everything go away - he'll still feel homesick and worried about his status and the process, but the counseler can help him understand his feelings and deal with them the best he can.

I wish you all the best and I'm praying for your family. This whole situation is beyond difficult and extremely inhumane, but we have no choice but to push forward and through our love for our husbands find the strength to 'salir adelante'.

[angela256z]

My husband is from Colotlan, Jalisco (between Guadalajara and Zacatecas.

Sometimes I make the mistake of trying to advise/help my husband with work problems. To him I have discovered he feels like I am not being sympathetic or taking the others side. My intentions are just to help him see it might not be as bad as it seems. But, I have learned he really needs a listening ear to vent and b**ch with/to about work.
I think just your asking and him now feeling like he can tell you what he is feeling may help.

What about counseling through a priest/church??? They are usually very sympathetic to the immigration issues and also extremely confidential.

Yeah I think I may try and get him to talk to the priest at Cristo Rey. We use to go to that church, but now he works on Sunday's. Maybe he should start taking Sunday mornings off more often. He has been taking them off, but we have just been spending them together.

Well my situation was a little diff. When my husband and i started his paper work he was so ecstatic and he really didnt go throuhg a depression stage here bc all of his family is here, his mom, brothers, sister and me and my family. Well now that we have been forced to seperate he and i are really depresed. He feels now that he is lonelier then ever and ust wants to come home, but i wont let him. I try to call him every day but i think that is getting old and that is why i have made a decision to move closer to the border so that i can see him as often as i can.


Yeah that is a little different from us, but he was really happy to start the process too. The cards said that someone is giving him bad advice so I have a feeling someone is filling his head with doubts that it will happen.

Oh girl..! I am SO sorry.. I know men handle depression differently than we do and that they don't like to show it.. so it is BIG that he finally did talk to you.. you just have to really really be there for him.. I dunno how close you guys are cuz I know some couples are closer than others but this could be the time to really strengthen your relationship and your bond.. he shouldn't be feeling alone :( aww girl I am so sad !! :( I am very worried because of what he said - that he would kill himself if it wasn't a sin.. that gives me an idea.. it sounds like he is religious? Or at least has great respect for it.. maybe he could talk to a priest or find some kind of hispanic church with someone there he could feel comfortable talking to? That he knows would not judge him for his status? I know a long time ago my mom was depressed and went to some program at a church where they pair you up with a friend to counsel you and they became best friends pretty much.. churchs can have good programs and they are a lot less likely to report him..

I know. I am starting to feel like I have been selfish. Like shouldn't I have noticed that he was depressed? I feel like I was so wrapped up in my own depression that I failed to see his. He is very religious. More than me. We have 3 virgins in the apt and 2 crosses and he prays every morning and night. When I have a headache he will pray and touch my head too. It is so sweet. Now I kind of feel guilty now. I need to show more support to him instead of just asking him to show me support. I feel like I haven't been there enough now.

Ahhh this is so sad. If he's talking about killing himself that can never be good:(. Try to convince him to see a counselor. Tell him they can't call immigration because they have to abide by confidentiality rules. The only way a counselor can reveal what has been said during a session is is the person is about to commit a crime/ or the counselor has been subpoenaed by a higher court.

I actually read the cards; it is a gift that I was born with. My husbands family calls me the familia Bruja, lol. Interesting that the Tarot reader knew your husband was depressed.

The lady that reads our cards is really good at it too. She reads my friends cards all the time and she is right on. I never had her read our cards cause she always scared me. My friend finally just took it upon herself to ask her to read our cards. I have always thought it was interesting. My sister was into all that stuff.

I actually believe in those cards sometimes LOL although everyone says it is just a trick.. my MIL went to one before and they knew alot even about my family and my MIL never even told her how many kids she had or anything.. Emily can you read mine somehow virtually or something?? :bounce:

The lady that read our cards has never spoke to us or seen my husband and I. She lives in Ecuador. All she needed was our names and birthdates. I believe in the things that she says cause she pulled some stuff that even my friend didn't know about.

angela - I'm so sorry to hear that your husband and you are going through such a difficult time. After listening to your story, I believe it is imperative that you find a way to get him to talk to a therapist, a doctor, a priest, a social worker, or someone else who has training in counseling. All of these people would be under confidentiality agreements, but to be honest, to me it sounds like this is the least of your worries. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken seriously no matter what. They are a cry for help and a reflection of truly severe depressive thoughts - especially in young men.

I know it seems very difficult to get him to go to a counseler, but I think by expressing your love, concern, and overwhelming worry for him, he will eventually give in. I've gotten my husband to talk to a therapist a few times going this route. Telling him how much I love and will always be there for him no matter what and that my job is to take care of him no matter what. The counseler won't be able to make everything go away - he'll still feel homesick and worried about his status and the process, but the counseler can help him understand his feelings and deal with them the best he can.

I wish you all the best and I'm praying for your family. This whole situation is beyond difficult and extremely inhumane, but we have no choice but to push forward and through our love for our husbands find the strength to 'salir adelante'.

Thank you for your prayer. I think we are going to talk to the priest about it next Sunday or the week after.

Thanks everyone for your kind words and thoughts.

[HANNAH19]

I'm sorry you're going through this Angie, the truth is the stress about this immigration process is so unpredictable that we can say, think or act in ways that in our right minds would never do( I speak from experience), I hope you work things out soon, as for him leaving to Mex, I think no one other than yourself could help your hubby through this situation, MIL's, SIL's, FIL's etc.etc.etc., have no idea what we go through or the impact it has on our everyday lives, God Bless!

[angela256z]

Thanks Hannah.

[monki12]

hi angela...
first off, huge hug for you....
My hubby is sort of the same way. He has lived a very hard life. he has had a very envious and neglectful family. I, on the other hand, come from a very close family and sometimes it is very hard for me to understand how my hubby feels lonely or depressed. Right after we were married, my hubby started talking about not deserving me and how his family didnt care about him, and that he felt he was left alone in this world. This broke my heart. He left his mom at an early age because of an abusive father. when he came here, his oldest brother treated him ok until his wife convinced him that my husband was no good. At the the age of 13, they began to hide food from him, they would leave him locked home alone while they went on family vacations, they treated him like s@#t!!! He moved out, only to be treated just as bad by another sister. Anyway, its a long story. All this stuff is like a road block to him. He hasnt fully learned how to be happy and as much as i want to, i could never understand how he feels. so, i asked him, i pleaded with him, for the sake of our marriage and our future family to get help. he was skeptical, he was untrustworthy, but he did it for me. He has just started about a month ago and I can already see changes. As much as you want to help, you probably have issues of your own and he may need more help than you can provide. What he is feeling is hard to overcome and he needs to talk to someone who knows how to handle these situations. For us, what has helped too is that now everynight we pray together. AFter we started doing that, it was like a bruden was lifted from us. We also attend mass together. If anything, try that. Pray with him, be ready to listen when he needs it. Remind him you love him and that he has you. and take care of yourself too.
hugs...

[Emily]

I actually believe in those cards sometimes LOL although everyone says it is just a trick.. my MIL went to one before and they knew alot even about my family and my MIL never even told her how many kids she had or anything.. Emily can you read mine somehow virtually or something?? :bounce:

I could sure try, BUT i've never read online before, lol. Pm me sometime, and we can arrange something on yahoo chat or?

[tasksgirl]

lol I PMed you ;)

[Dorothea]

Angela, I haven't read what everyone else wrote, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry about all this... I'm so sorry your husband isn't feeling good lately. What do you think would be best for him and best for your marriage? Would having him go back to Mexico be a good thing in some ways?
I will be thinking of you... I hope the answers become clear.

[ratito921]

been there done that sister. It's always something. Let me just say that my hubby went back home because he was depressed and missed his family really bad and wanted to be there with them. After the first 4 days he was ready to come home. He had conformed to life here in the states and he was out of his element being back at home. Needless to say it took 5 months for him to get his first appointment and then another year for the approval. My hubby was gone 1 year and 8months. That's a long time.

You and your hubby need to do what's best for you, but if he can hold out a little longer on going back home then by all means get his to wait.

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope things get better at his job. There's always that one person that makes everyone else miserable. grrrr